Keith Jones: Introducing Legislation to Change the Law One Petition at a Time

Posted by Ben @ August 31st, 2009 12:00 pm. Filed under: Batshit Mental Rants,Couldn't If He Wanted To,Don't Worry About What THEY Want,Everyone Stop What You're Doing Because You're Mildly Inconveniencing Me,George Orwell Had The Right Idea,I Pay Taxes So You Have To Do Anything I Say,It Says So In The Daily Mail,It's Not Gay If Your Balls Don't Touch,Not Government Business,Presumably The Prime Minister Is Not Too Busy,Rejected Petitions,What A Dick — Tags:

What would we do without the increasingly mad Keith Jones, eh? I have no idea what he looks like, but I imagine a curmudgeonly old man, maybe with a ridiculously ornate moustache. His hair is thinning. The only footwear he’s worn for the last twelve years are a pair of tartan slippers his grandchildren bought him one Christmas partially as a joke. He has only the vaguest of ideas how the real world works and he thinks he’s figured out how to solve all of its problems.

And it’s through brilliant ideas like these.

by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliation (rejected)

What these people are allowed to do is not ‘get married’. What they do is covered by a civil agreement and it should be illegal to use the term ‘marriage’ to describe the condition.

Let’s make it illegal to use a word that means a thing it means. There’s no way that can lead down a dangerous path at all.

I actually think this petition would have been approved were he not such a cocky gobshite in the descriptive text. Not to say I support the petition, but Keith has a wonderful way of just being hilariously self-righteous that means that most of his petitions get rejected. I bet he thinks he’s Make A Stand, too. Tch.

I shudder to think what would happen if Keith Jones ever found this website. I imagine that the sky would crack asunder. Or something.


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    Jones’ Addiction

    Posted by Ben @ August 20th, 2009 12:23 am. Filed under: Really REALLY Bad Ideas,Rejected Petitions — Tags:

    by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliation (rejected)

    This is an area of ‘easy’ money raising activity which it is difficult to believe that our government has not taken advantage of it.

    Fantastic idea! Then we can use all that new income to fund thousands upon thousands of NHS rehab programs!


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      Taxpaying Lunatic without Political Affiliation

      Posted by Ben @ August 3rd, 2009 9:59 pm. Filed under: I Am A Brain!,I'm serious!,It's Just A Little Request...,Maybe... but not for THAT reason,Really REALLY Bad Ideas,Unreasonable Demands,We Petition The PM To Climb This Wall Of Text,What A Dick — Tags:

      Oh, hello again, Keith. You want your usual? And by “your usual” I mean “a long, mad, rambling rant about nothing wherein you demand something completely and totally Tonto”?

      by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliation

      Our present band of elected representatives have demonstrated, quite admirably, that they consider themselves to be above what is going on in the country. It is immoral, and a fraud, for them to continue costing taxpayers as much during a time of recession as they do during a period of growth. Elected representatives should be forced to endure the same situation as the people funding them and make a contribution by reducing their number pro rata with the number of people who are unemployed. The cost of government burden upon the cohort of taxpayers should be lessened in line with the amount of money being taken in taxes from the fewer number of people who are actually paying taxes.

      The question of not having a sitting MP in an area is not a consideration because the government are more than happy for Glasgow East not to have an MP through the summer period because they decided it was not important to hold an election in the normal time frame following the removal of Gorbals Mick – if they can be without an MP for five months then they can be without an MP until the recession is over!

      I tried to translate this – it seems to boil down to “Oi, Gordon! People are losing their jobs, so Ministers should lose their jobs too!”. But then there’s all that gubbins about fraud and the Glasgow East MP and to be honest I didn’t finish reading it. Instead, I went into the kitchen and made a Pringles sandwich.


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        Keith Jones, Man Of The People

        Posted by Ben @ July 31st, 2009 10:29 pm. Filed under: Don't Worry About What THEY Want,I Am A Brain!,I Pay Taxes So You Have To Do Anything I Say,I Sure Hope There's No Way This Can Be Misinterpreted.,I'm Keeping The Whole Class Back,I'm serious!,Please State The Nature of the Medical Emergency,Really REALLY Bad Ideas,Thinking Things Through Is Just Not British,Unworkable Ideas,What A Dick — Tags:

        And now, the latest edition of “Keith Jones Presents: Thoughts From A Taxpaying Pensioner Without Political Affiliation”.

        by keith jonesd of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliation

        Tanning salons cause skin cancer. That is now official. People who use tanning salons to cause skin cancer should not then be able to obtain treatment free on the NHS. Nobody who self inflicts any condition requiring medical treatment should receive treatment on the NHS. Taxes paid into the NHS should be reserved for people who contract medical conditions naturally – we already have enough of those, without taking on responsbility for everybody who makes an active choice to damage themselves.

        Right. And people who smoke and then get lung cancer shouldn’t get treatment either. And, hey, nobody has conclusively proven that mobile phones don’t cause brain tumours, so if you’ve ever used a mobile phone or if you live near a mobile phone mast you shouldn’t be able to get any form of treatment. Actually, people have been complaining about power lines and so on over the years as well, so let’s just prevent anyone who uses electricity from getting medical treatment for anything.

        Wow! Look how much money we’ve saved for the NHS!


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          They’re Taking Our Cells!

          Posted by Ben @ July 14th, 2009 7:04 am. Filed under: Gibberish,Rejected Petitions,Stop Spending My Money On Things I Don't Understand.,Thinking Things Through Is Just Not British,We Don't Take Kindly To Your Type Rahnd These Pahts — Tags:

          by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliation (rejected)

          These people are criminals in the country in which they committed the crime and were not put off because they know there are arrangements for them to be put up in our luxurious hotels (known as HMPs) funded by the taxpayer. This is an immoral drain on the taxpayers in this country and should be stopped. We, the people who fund it, should be given an opportunity to indicate whether or not we are prepared to pay for the upkeep of criminals (and their children) convicted in foreign courts.

          Keith seems to think that if a Foreigner comes to the UK and breaks the law that said Foreigner is doing so specifically to get thrown into a British prison. Which is, y’know, bollocks.

          I’ve reached a point now where I am convinced that Keith is a brilliantly constructed practical joke. Maybe Ann Widdecombe or someone is sat up on the internet late at night, writing ridiculous petitions just to annoy Gordon.


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            Britain: We Spent All Our Money On Pogs and Magazine Subscriptions

            Posted by Ben @ July 1st, 2009 5:14 pm. Filed under: Anything I Want Should Be Free,I Pay Taxes So You Have To Do Anything I Say,This Is What We're Outraged At This Week — Tags:

            Sigh. Hello again, Keith.

            by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affilation

            The number of people who have been left penniless because of government policy over the last 12 years means that many who wish to put themselves forward to challenge the corrupt Members of Parliament currently occupying seats in the House of Commons simply cannot afford to do so. There have been many utterances by socialist politicians about ‘lowering the bar’ so that more people can aspire to be MPs (some even argue that is why they were given tax free allowances and unrestricted access to taxpayer pounds in the form of ‘expenses’ in the first place) but the deposit – and the possibility of losing it – continues to put many people off. Removing the deposit is the only way that corrupt elected representatives being replaced by honest elected representatives is going to be achieved in this country.

            Because, AS ANY FULE KNO, the only man that can be trusted is a man with no money whatsoever.


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              Men Commit Crimes. BAN MEN!

              Posted by Andrew @ June 21st, 2009 8:01 pm. Filed under: Rejected Petitions,Thinking Things Through Is Just Not British,This Is What We're Outraged At This Week,Unworkable Ideas — Tags:

              We have, of late, waded through a huge number of petitions that just say ‘sack the MPs who claimed expenses’ or whatever, as if this is somehow reasonable or legal. This one takes it one step further, essentially demanding all the others be fired as well if the public reckon so.

              by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliation (rejected)

              Gordon Brown won’t bow to public and peer pressure to get rid of Gorbals Mick so he is not likely to do anything which endangers his own continued access to huge amounts of taxpayer pounds. However, the people are not happy and they must be given an opportunity – through a national legally binding referendum (conducted within the next 7 days) to ask them if they want HM The Queen to intervene and remove everybody from the chamber and get them to re-apply for their jobs.

              What I don’t understand is, how is this idea different from Calling An Election?

              There’s only one possible way to come up with a dumber solution to the expenses scandal, and I think Mr A Cliff has stumbled upon it:

              by mr.a.cliff (rejected)

              we dont need any mp gordon brown and the queen can run this country thats what there being paid to do then there wouldnt be any more of anyone spending the tax payers cash for lavish life style,if he cannot do this then its time he shipped out and let the queen run the country

              Bonus marks, though, for picking a URL that reads like the title of a Neil Gaiman short-story compilation.


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                His Hands Look Like Feet

                Posted by Ben @ May 5th, 2009 8:21 am. Filed under: I Have A Sense Of Perspective: Problems That Are Far Away Appear Small To Me.,We're British, Dammit! — Tags: ,

                Oh, hello again Keith Jones. What batshit insane thing do you want this time?

                by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliation

                We have far too many problems of our own for us to become involved in any way in the problems in Sri Lanka. They, like the rest of the world, need to sort out their own problems. If the majority of the people allow themselves to be repressed then they should stop putting up petitions on this website soliciting help from the british government and spend time helping themselves. What is going on in Sri Lanka is nothing to do with the british voter/taxpayer.

                Everybody is always in a position to solve their problems all of the time forever, regardless of social standing or personal circumstances. So let us take something away from this petition – we should all look out for ourselves, and fuck everybody else. As an example, if Keithy-boy were to get both of his arms blown off and subsequently find himself unable to reach the top shelf to get his copy of Badonkadonk Fortnightly, we shouldn’t stop to help him. Eventually he will learn to reach the top shelf with his feet, or by using telekineses or something like that.

                Also!

                by mr brad potter

                I believe the European Union is destroying our culture & British country.

                What a coincidence – I believe you and your ilk, this suspiciously growing breed of person who seems to think that keeping something inherently British is somehow more important than, say, trying to work as one part of a greater whole, are all a bunch of shitcocks.


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                  Human Rights Are Less Important Than My Not Being Even Slightly Upset By Anything At All

                  Posted by Andrew @ April 12th, 2009 3:13 pm. Filed under: George Orwell Had The Right Idea,Rejected Petitions,Xenophobia — Tags:

                  I guess we could

                  by Huw Thomas (rejected)

                  The recent murder of two UK servicemen in Northern Ireland demonstrates what will happen when politicians appease their opponents, even when those opponents are themselves criminals. No elected and remunerated public official should be entitled to refuse to condemn the murder of UK service personnel.

                  …but wouldn’t that be against their human rights?

                  by ben snaith (rejected)

                  having human rights is a disgrace. we couldnt even deport a terrorist to his homeland because he would get tortured.

                  Oh. Well, clearly you’ve all thought this through. I guess that explains this:

                  I know Keith is a friend of the site and all, but really, he can fuck right off.

                  He has massively misunderstood every aspect of this story: Binyam Mohamed is not, as far as we know, a criminal — all charges against him were dropped; he is not ‘running rings around the government — David Miliband specifically requested his release; the cabinet is not Scottish — that surely shouldn’t even need mentioning? My favourite part, though, is the URL: he likes to pretend he’s making a case about security (except when it’s about taxation), but his petition is called NoMoreForeigners.

                  But then, I can’t help love this petition for the last five words. They’re a little work of surrealist genius.


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                    Dick!

                    Posted by Ben @ January 2nd, 2009 5:04 pm. Filed under: A Rose By Any Other Name Would Be Less Funny,Anything I Want Should Be Mandatory,Hadrian's Firewall,Racism,There's Already A Solution But Don't Let That Stop You From Bothering The PM,Thinking Things Through Is Just Not British,We Don't Take Kindly To Your Type Rahnd These Pahts,What A Dick,What Have Other People Ever Done For Me?,You Know - We Haven't Banned Anything Lately. — Tags:

                    by S Israel

                    The gov’t has proscribed dozens of terrorist groups. It must proscribe al aqsa martyrs brigade for these reasons:

                    They have committed hundreds of brutal terror attacks, including the use of child suicide bombers (e.g. April 2005), that have killed & maimed hundreds of innocent victims.

                    The group has a British connection: They claimed joint responsibility for a 2003 terrorist attack carried out by two Britons on a pub in Tel Aviv, Israel. This attack has been cited as the protocol for the 2008 terrorist attack in Mumbai, India.

                    Their exclusion from the list of terrorist groups is inexplicable given that groups that are far less active, that have killed far few people, & that have no apparent connection to the UK, have been proscribed.

                    Their exclusion from the list of terrorist groups can only be explained by the political connection to Fatah. The gov’t should do its utmost to prevent terror & not give way to political persuasions.

                    It would probably be better if Gordon Brown released a statement that said, “Terrorism is, in general, a bad thing.” That way he wouldn’t have to go out of his way to proscribe every single damned terrorist organisation in the world ever.

                    by Karl Winslade

                    We request that a Compulsory National Service is introduced where ALL young persons are required by law to serve in the Armed Forces for a minimum of 3 years. We also request the formation of a “Foreign Legion” of would-be immigrants where they would ALL be required to serve for a minimum of 3 years before they have ANY rights of citizenship in the UK. Any immigrant refusing to serve will be deported immediately without the right of appeal.

                    Wow, Karl. You’re a real dick, huh.

                    by Mark Inglesby

                    Petition to change NHS prescription charges

                    Remove the right for job seekers to receive FREE medical prescriptions on the NHS after 6 months of claiming job seekers allowance.

                    Remove the right for Job seekers to receive FREE dentistry care on the NHS after 6 months of claiming job seekers allowance.

                    Bring into Law the right for Tax paying workers to receive up to 4 FREE prescriptions on the NHS in any 12 month period.

                    And this benefits… who, exactly? I’m not sure I understand your thought process here, Mark. Seems to be like you’re just being a dick. Which makes two so far.

                    by Peter Hamilton

                    I know from experience that Paracetamol destroys the Liver and Kidneys. Even small doses can be harmful. I should know because I have Cirhosis of the Liver myself due to Paracetamol overdose and I am lucky to survive.

                    Paracetamol does not need a replacement as there is still Aspirin, Ibuprofen e.t.c

                    The solution here, I think, is to not overdose on paracetamol. Comically, this is a duplicate of a petition Peter Hamilton posted a year ago that expired on March 2008 asking for exactly the same thing.

                    by lee setters

                    Immigration into Britain from the EU and beyond should be halted for the next 5 years and seriously lowered after that so the economy can get back on its feet. While we are going through this current financial crisis and the economy weakening we cannot afford to let in more migrants. Whilst they are coming in daily it is causing even more pressure on our economy and costing the taxpayer.

                    Racist, xenophobic arseholes like this fella will find any excuse to try and stop people from immigrating to the UK. And yet they still insist on buying houses in Spain and France.

                    by Jamie Steele

                    I feel that the current customer service in the UK used by the majority of large businesses is appalling and feel that tighter legislation should be set in place to force companies to care more about their customers.

                    “Virgin Media won’t reconnect my phone line even though I haven’t paid my bill for four months! Call the Police!

                    by K.Jones

                    mydeathspace is a site where its members scour the internet and newspapers for stories of people who have died. They then check to see if the deceased had a MySpace profile, and dig up everything they can about this person.

                    This is done without asking permission from the bereaved families. They simply talk about, make fun of and ridicule the dead without having known them at all. They take pictures from the deceased’s profiles and parade them on the website, and are glamourising death and the dead – which is unhealthy. Their focus on death should be stopped or they should at least need to ask permission of the families of those they wish to discuss.

                    Is the website tasteless? Yes. But then, so is Little Britain. Look, idiots of the world – you can’t ban the Internet. It’s not going to happen, so stop asking.

                    And is “K. Jones” our old friend Keith Jones? Maybe!

                    by David Morgan

                    End the granting of anonymity through judicial action in any case where the person has been convicted through a court of law.

                    Maybe when people can prove that they won’t track these people down and harass, bully and attack them as has happened in the past with the tabloids’ “Named And Shamed” paedophile lists.


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                      Keith Jones Hits Double Digits!

                      Posted by Andrew @ December 14th, 2008 10:05 am. Filed under: Racism,Really REALLY Bad Ideas,Rejected Petitions,Thinking Things Through Is Just Not British,Unnecessary Bureaucracy,Unworkable Ideas,We're British, Dammit! — Tags:

                      Serial petitioner Keith Jones has just become the first person (as far as we know) to have 10 petitions mocked on this site. But you know what’s scary?

                      This represents a tiny fraction of his inane pesterings. According to the search facility, he has submitted a total of 242 petitions to the Government, of which 60% have been immediately rejected.

                      In celebration, I’ve had a look through some of his old ones and here’s a couple of favourites:

                      This would mean a resignation every twelve hours.

                      by Keith Jones of Taxpaying Pensioner without political affiliation (rejected)

                      It is wrong that people can arrive in this country and claim AND BE GRANTED! protection under our Human Rights Act when there is no such protection for them in their home country. Foreigner arrivals in this country KNOW this and that is exactly why they continue to conduct their nefarious and criminal activities because they KNOW that our unjust law system favours them over the indigenous population.

                      Human Rights are just for British People! (more…)


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                        This is a cunning way around our ‘I Spell Paedophile The American Way’ categorisation.

                        Posted by Andrew @ December 14th, 2008 8:46 am. Filed under: ...Or Else!,A Rose By Any Other Name Would Be Less Funny,I Deserve Free Money Because Of The Credit Crunch,I Have A Sense Of Perspective: Problems That Are Far Away Appear Small To Me.,I Sure Hope There's No Way This Can Be Misinterpreted.,Not Government Business,Rejected Petitions,spelin an grammer,Stand Back! I'm Going To Try SCIENCE!,The Nasty Television Upset Me!,The PM Is The Bloke Who Runs The Football Right?,What Have Other People Ever Done For Me?,Young, Dumb, And Online — Tags:

                        by Nigel King of British Subject (rejected)

                        A accurate count is made and up dated to how many English are killed in England by being denied drugs and treatment which are available in Scotland for the Scottish.
                        The object of this is to find out who are the real enemies of the English. The Scottish prime minister and his Scottish chancellor or the extremist.

                        Do you think maybe we should invade?

                        by MARK HIGGINSON (rejected)

                        I believe that Giles Clarke has by his actions brought English Cricket into disrepute, by allowing the England Cricket Team to take part in a game soley for monetary gain rather than seeking to develop and further advance our great game. Giles Clarke should seek to act as a guardian of the game, yet has allowed an individual to blatantly purchase our national team and has showed contempt and disregard for the rules of our great game. For this alone the Government should intervene and protect our national game from potential irreprable damage.

                        Nice to see one that isn’t about the football.

                        by Madeleine Mason (rejected)

                        This petition is for people who think the BBC are in need of a long awaited cleanup the latest but not isolated of incidents by all those who thought it was a great idea to broadcast such derogatory material involving 4 humiliating telephone calls to an 89 year old pensioner and for all future incidents in the hope that all can listen and watch in view of the fact the majority are licence payers. The BBC do not have a petion page but you can voice a complaint to the BBC Trust.

                        You want to abolish Britain? What would we have instead? More France?

                        by vladas kenneth harvey (rejected)

                        Why is it that when any other country is facing difficulties we send our hard earned taxes to bail them out.If we suffer hard times the government should help us first. Typical example £42 million pounds is now being sent to the congo,what about the people over here that are on the bread line,CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.At this present time due to the recession people are losing their jobs and their homes,plus we have to deal with the fact of increased prices of food,gas,electricity and petrol.Further to this immigration is out of control,quite a few are not employed or illegal causing a drain on our countries resources

                        The life expectancy in DR Congo is less than fifty years and you think that petrol being rather expensive somehow absolves any obligation you may have to help out? How petty are you?

                        by Laura McCabe (rejected)

                        It was annouced BBC News that MSN/Hotmail was to close down due to a young girl of 8 being tricked into meeting a 34 year old pedoephile. This is not MSN/Hotmails fault. It is the LAW’S fault as the pedoephile is known. This is also at the fault of the little girls parents who have given her permission to create an account on the MSN/Hotmail site, but it is in there terms and condition that applicant must be over a certain age. Labour MP’s must have realised this and this is not the companies fault. it is the laws and the parents of the YOUNG child.

                        please reconcider.

                        If the BBC were really reporting this, and if this was really happening, and if it was actually government business, then clearly it would be US government business. Possibly McCabe can’t tell the difference between Britain and America. If so, it would half-explain why McCabe can’t spell ‘paedophile’.

                        by Keith Jones of Taxpaying Pensioner without political affiliation (rejected)

                        To ‘earn’ is an adjective. BBC employees are ‘paid’ regardless of the levels of achievement, or criminal activity which results in the BBC Licence Taxpayer being required to pay their fines, therefore to say they ‘earn’ what they are paid is a gross misrepresentation of what is actually going on.

                        Your point about semantics would be taken more seriously if you knew what the verb ‘to adjective’ means.

                        by Himal makwana (rejected)

                        Jasbir has lost his lines, Please ask him to FIND THEM!

                        Ask your mother.

                        by Steve Wonder (rejected)

                        I like my eyes with all their natural layers, they should not be burnt off by these stupid lights

                        What do you care? You’re blind.

                        by Will Bowers (rejected)

                        The new and dis-improved recipe is a different cereal altogether. Both the taste and the texture have been changed beyond recognition

                        If anyone else feels strongly about this you should write to Weetabix at:

                        Consumer Services
                        Weetabix Limited
                        Burton Latimer
                        Kettering
                        Northamptonshire
                        NN15 5JR
                        England

                        …rather than bothering the PM with it.

                        by Daniel Grout (rejected)

                        A petition the government play Metallica’s One to all Intensive Care patients. This will allow them to gain insight into their condition and make informed decisions.

                        Careful. I read in the Mail how heavy metal in medical intervention causes the autism.

                        by Keith Jones of Taxpaying Pensioner without political affiliation (rejected)

                        It is immoral that council taxpayers should have to pay twice when people they entrust with looking after their council taxpayer pounds get it wrong. There MUST be some accountability and responsibility among our councillors and the people they pay to give them advice, when it goes wrong.

                        Another winning idea from our friend Keith Jones. So that must mean that whenever the government makes a shrewd investment, ministers will get to tax you for the original large amount of money they needed and pocket the difference, yes?

                        Anything else you want, Keith?

                        Shit, we’d best stop messing with you.


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