Posted by Andrew @ August 4th, 2011 11:54 pm. Filed under: Democracy? Isn't That The One Where You Do Everything I Say?,Everything MPs Have Is Part Of The Expenses Scandal,Hanging's Too Good For 'Em!,Meta-petitioning,Racism,This was Yesterday's News Ages Ago — Tags: Alan Young, Edward Whitfield, Keith Jones, Robert Sleight, tony —
Christ, let’s see if I can remember the admin password for this site…
by Joseph BlurtonWe, the people, are idiots. Please, for pity’s sake, ignore us more often.
Hello, anyway! It’s all go in epetitionville! The coalition have finally got round to installing the new epetition website, which I can only assume has taken this long thanks to their increasingly bewildering policy of never knowingly reusing a back-end. The e-petition website crashed almost immediately under the pressure of anywhere up to a hundred people flocking to sign as many as eighty petitions, so it’s safe to assume their server-farm has been hit pretty hard by the austerity measures or they took the latest dumb pigeon-versus-broadband stunt a mite too seriously.
To make things more exciting, any petition that gets over 100,000 signatures will be debated in Parliament, unless it isn’t. Also, we’re taking out the bell so you can buzz in as soon as you’ve dismissed the idea out of hand.
Anyway, there’s something of a bumper batch to get through here, so I’m going to leave the ‘rejected’ pile for now and stick my favourites after the fold…
Posted by Andrew @ April 26th, 2010 7:05 pm. Filed under: Anything I Want Should Be Free,Lord Knows I Ask Not For Myself,Racism,Really REALLY Bad Ideas,Rejected Petitions,Wait a minute... this isn't a petition! — Tags: Keith Jones —
By some margin, the most prolific nonsense-monger on the e-petitions website is a man called Keith Jones, the self-styled Taxpaying Pensioner Without Political Affiliation. He has submitted some 227 petitions so far, of which 196 were rejected for various reasons, and the rest garner signatories numbering between a paltry five and a slightly less paltry seventy five.
Here is one I discovered recently which is broadly representative of his mindset and language:
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political nor relilgious affilationMany criminal defences are based on the fact that ‘it happened because they took drugs before or were drunk at the time of’ the offence which found them in court. If that is the case then the person who sold or supplied the substance or alcohol were accessories before the event and are therefore also entitled to be put before the court and convicted. This is a lot to with being responsible for your actions, something which is not currently in the vocabulary of our society!
Pretty mental, right?
Following a comment posted on this site last night, I’ve done a little digging on Keith Jones. I’ve looked through 141 of his old petitions (the rest having vanished into the archive), and I have discovered that…
Keith Jones lives in South Wales:
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliation (rejected)Now that the recently appointed Chairman has said he may not be able to fulfil the role, Gordon Brown has an opportunity to move away from the ‘establishment’ and to appoint someone who has no interest in become lorded, nor in making a fortune. Keith Jones will do the job diligently, always in favour of the taxpayer, honestly and with transparency and probity AND he will do it without being paid for it. His only fees will be travel costs between his home in South Wales and his office in Westminster, though why he has to have an office in Westminster is the first item on his review agenda.
Keith Jones votes BNP:
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliation (rejected)This is a party political move which disenfranchises the thousands of voters who put these people into their seats – something our current political leader has yet to achieve – and it cannot be right that a member of an opposing political party can simply order civil servants – who are paid out of the taxes of those he is disenfranchising – to refuse their requests for assistance. Big Brother is here!
This is not surprising considering how frequently he parrots BNP lines about sponging MPs, immigration and so forth.
Keith Jones would like to work in the Government:
Keith Jones thinks standing for Parliament should not require a deposit:
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affilationThe number of people who have been left penniless because of government policy over the last 12 years means that many who wish to put themselves forward to challenge the corrupt Members of Parliament currently occupying seats in the House of Commons simply cannot afford to do so. There have been many utterances by socialist politicians about ‘lowering the bar’ so that more people can aspire to be MPs (some even argue that is why they were given tax free allowances and unrestricted access to taxpayer pounds in the form of ‘expenses’ in the first place) but the deposit – and the possibility of losing it – continues to put many people off. Removing the deposit is the only way that corrupt elected representatives being replaced by honest elected representatives is going to be achieved in this country.
In last night’s blog comment, Chris pointed out to us that the BNP’s candidate for the Newport East Parliamentary constituency is a man called Keith Jones. I wouldn’t say that they’re definitely the same man, but I’m pretty sure they’re the same man.
Now I know what you’re thinking. It can’t be him, because our Keith Jones doesn’t have a political affiliation. But campaigning with Keith Jones is John Voisey. Voisey is the BNP candidate for nearby Islwyn, and yet his blog states quite explicitly
This is an INDEPENDENT site. It is NOT an official BNP site, neither is it a puppet of the BNP.
and he is apparently keen not to use his real name too near that of the BNP. Make what you will of Keith’s equivalent declaration, but the lady doth protest too much, methinks, and apropos of too little.
Scroll to the top of the page and read his alcohol petition again, and then read more of Keith’s petitions. I particularly like the one where he suggests beheading Gordon Brown. Then, when you’ve formed an opinion about the kind of person the BNP would have represent you in Parliament, go ahead and vote for anyone you like.
Lastly, I’ve uploaded a zip file containing all 141 of the petitions I managed to download, so you can dig through them for incriminating, exonerating, or amusing examples.
Posted by Ben @ April 21st, 2010 2:12 am. Filed under: Hanging's Too Good For 'Em!,I AM TALKING!,I'm Keeping The Whole Class Back,Presumably The Prime Minister Is Not Too Busy,Reject Rednesday,Rejected Petitions,The Nasty Television Upset Me!,Thinking Things Through Is Just Not British,What A Load Of Bankers — Tags: Aleksands Halamins, Keith Jones, Mrs Theresa Thomas —
Have a petition. Hey, I’m feeling generous – have three.
by Aleksands Halamins (rejected)I am sick and tired of teachers using “sick pay” advantages not to come and teach at school. Moreover, we as a taxpayer finance these sick off days and instead we have to pay the supply teacher as well as the teacher who is “ill”. Making most state school teachers self-employed will make them realize that that’s the way it goes: if you don’t come to school to teach – you wont get paid, as simple as that! Making the teachers self-employed will have its own disadvantages, however as a self-employed you will pay less tax and also you could make claims. Making the teachers self-employed will improve their attendance. Furthermore, this decision will 100% improve education in BRITAIN!
Yeah! Teachers don’t come to school at all! All they do is lounge about at home watching Diagnosis Murder and raking in the cash. This’ll teach ‘em.
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner with no political nor religious affiliation (rejected)Gordon Brown has created the worst financial situation in the history of people living on this island. There has to be some merit in considering what horrendous fate should befall somebody who has done more damage to this country than any other single person, living or dead.
Keith Jones there, politely asking the government to think about cutting Gordon Brown’s head off.
by Mrs Theresa Thomas (rejected)This is an official petition to have Frankie Boyle return to the quiz show ‘Mock The Week’. Frankie is an asset to the quiz show and British lives are not the same with out him.
The government have officially rejected your official petition, because it’s officially crap.
Posted by Ben @ March 24th, 2010 6:00 pm. Filed under: "Making Britain Great Again",Exclamation marks!!!!,Gibberish,I AM TALKING!,Reject Rednesday,Rejected Petitions,spelin an grammer,This Is What We're Outraged At This Week,We Don't Take Kindly To Your Type Rahnd These Pahts,What Would Idiot-Jesus Do?,You Can't Spell "Spam" Without The PM — Tags: Christine Maloney, Dr. Arif Anwar, Keith Jones, miss nicole abernethy, mr.a1.sino.as.s"2".ir.soegihartonotonegoro, Teresa Wright (and her best buddy Jesus) —
Have you ever played The Sims? The people in the game have their own language called Simlish. It’s more or less nonsense words and phrases, a loose string of vaguely French- and Spanish-sounding words hewn together with no real structure, rhyme, or reason.
It also makes much, much more sense than this petition which was, if the name is any indication, submitted by a glitch Pokémon.
by mr.a1.sino.as.s”2″.ir.soegihartonotonegoro,st of swissindo world trust international orbit – nuk/nkri (rejected)to executed, to press release declaration of transaction,” the great freedom “,global immunity owner money world – collateral 2. milliard. 678. 000. 000. mt. 400. kg, on the world bank. clearance program ubs. world bank us$.920. 000. 000. 000. 000. 000,-.To act. bullion big bank ratu mas kencana room a1-1a , new currency N$2. 1. 840. 000. 000. 000. 000. 000,- new grant poundsterling – us dollar – euro. swissindo world trust international orbit.to act.office the great president – big top head quarters united Nations integrated, big top president board of governor ubs. world bank. fed fed. bi, assayers & refiners London azl 18 us/as.1344 – id micro film, dewan ikatan document of internatinal, code 99. 98 series 4 assets , one personal only ,the big top owner legally corporates & institutions : sumber bina Graha 12 istaini agung ngesti tunggal, nuk.nkri-pkc.caraka – owner 101. aster – nasa. trusty prasasty dinasty national international induk army. induk bank. induk negara. badan induk – induk Dunia pusat commando agung system kekuasaan dunia, badan induk lembaga tinggi tertinggi negara bangsa ( lttb. lttn )aae.a2 ina ; 117. 113. 112.itj- icj. k.h.k – flo.
Sounds like an encrypted transmission sent to the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo. What else have you got for us, Reject Rednesday? (more…)
Posted by Ben @ March 23rd, 2010 1:11 am. Filed under: I'm serious!,Oh Yeah? Let's See You Write A Better Petition!,Rejected Petitions — Tags: Keith Jones —
Keith Jones is thirsty. Thirsty for power.
by Keith Jones of Taxpaying Pensioner without political affiliation (rejected)It is plainly obvious that the people who are currently responsible for checking and approving claims are unable to read the book of rules and MUST be removed from the task. As a tax paying pensioner I have a vested interest in ensuring that the money is properly spent. I absolutely guarantee that there is no individual nor organisation nor amount of money can hold sway over the way I would exercise my responsibilities in this post.
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliation (rejected)Now that the recently appointed Chairman has said he may not be able to fulfil the role, Gordon Brown has an opportunity to move away from the ‘establishment’ and to appoint someone who has no interest in become lorded, nor in making a fortune. Keith Jones will do the job diligently, always in favour of the taxpayer, honestly and with transparency and probity AND he will do it without being paid for it. His only fees will be travel costs between his home in South Wales and his office in Westminster, though why he has to have an office in Westminster is the first item on his review agenda.
Y’know, I’d kind of like to see this, if only to see how much Keith manages to balls up both gigs at once. Not entirely sure why he chose to refer to himself in the third person for his second petition though. I mean, his name on the thing. People already know he wrote it.
Posted by Ben @ March 11th, 2010 9:25 am. Filed under: Clearly You've Thought This Through,That's SO UNFAIR! I HATE YOU! — Tags: Keith Jones —
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner with neither political nor religious affiliationThe information contained in these books, which is invariably based on their activities while public employees, was gained while they were being paid by the taxpayer for their services. It is only right, therefore that any profits arising out of books written containing that information should be passed to the public purse. It is their information, it does NOT belong to the individual ex-employee.
So does that mean if I write a book about what it’s like working in a call centre I’d have to give a portion of my money to Virgin Media? That’s a bit shit, Keith.
Posted by Andrew @ March 11th, 2010 1:27 am. Filed under: Rejected Petitions,The ePetition Team is a Confederacy of Dunces — Tags: Keith Jones —
by keith jones of one who simply does not believe the excuses given for NOT putting up these petitions (rejected)Everybody on the planet knows that this is a blatant lie because if Gordon shouts ‘Shit’, everybody in number 10 asks "which toilet would you like me to use?" The Prime Minister is currently all powerful because we have allowed him (to our abysmal shame) to become so. Why do you, therefore, need to lie to we aspiring petitioners? why do you not simply reject our petitions with the truth ‘The result of this petition would embarrass Gordon Brown AND Nu-Labour and that, under no circumstances that we know of, can be allowed!
Yeah! You know we’ll do whatever you say. Just command it.
Go on, Gordon, tell us what to do. Tell us where to shit, Gordon. We’re your dirty little bitches, aren’t we? That’s right. Come on.
Yes, yes, YES, Prime Minister!
Posted by Andrew @ March 10th, 2010 9:48 pm. Filed under: Rejected Petitions — Tags: Keith Jones —
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliation (rejected)It must be that those who write our laws are subject to them. If these four alleged thieves are allowed to get away with this then we MUST have riots on the streets and public executions of elected MPs currently occupying seats in the House of Commons – just as they would happen in any other Islamic State.
“Any other islamic state”?
Posted by Ben @ February 26th, 2010 6:15 am. Filed under: Racism,Rejected Petitions,We Don't Take Kindly To Your Type Rahnd These Pahts — Tags: Keith Jones —
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner with a wish not to be killed by a foreigner being kept here solely to protect people who live in his home country, from being killed by him (rejected)Anybody who needs an explanation or elucidation of the point of this petition really ought to get on a plane to a Islamic country!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Posted by Ben @ February 16th, 2010 12:57 pm. Filed under: I AM TALKING!,I'm Keeping The Whole Class Back,spelin an grammer,Unintentional Irony,Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Children? — Tags: Keith Jones —
Our good friend Keith Jones took a three-month break from being mad, but he’s back.
by keith jonesi have been told that the learning books which parents can get to do extra learning at home with they child are not good enough and that i have been stopped my the head teacher of my daughter school beacon hill primary first school. i want the public of the uk that every school should have in place where every parents can have access to what the kids are getting taught at school so we can work with the school with out getting banned for doing the extra learning
Good idea. You might want to start with the English textbooks.
Hm. I’m not convinced that he was the real Keith Jones – the one we all know and love. There wasn’t nearly enough self-righteous shouting going on in that petition. Where are you, Keith?
Oh, here you are:
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliationWe need to put a stop to our government’s gold plating of EU regulations and laws. The blind and silent acceptance of these laws and regulations by our government is done only to put THEM in a good position for future employment in the EU monolith and ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the running of this now God forsaken country!
Ah, there we are. The indignance, the pomp, the emphasizing with capital letters – slap a request to introduce legislation to change the law on there and we’ve got ourselves a winner. And if I’m not mistaken he’s added a little extra to his moniker, too: he’s now a taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliation!
I don’t know about you, but I simply can’t wait to see what Keith has for us this year.
Posted by Ben @ November 24th, 2009 12:06 am. Filed under: This Is What We're Outraged At This Week — Tags: Keith Jones —
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliationThese companies are holding us to ransom. The people of this country would rather walk and freeze to death than enrich the people who are holding us to ransom. Let the people vote and tell these people to go to hell.
Actually Keith, I’d rather not freeze to death if that’s all the same to you.
Posted by Ben @ October 16th, 2009 2:39 am. Filed under: Dear Gordon - I was born without a sense of humour...,We Have To Save Christmas!,What A Dick,You Know - We Haven't Banned Anything Lately. — Tags: Keith Jones —
Can I help you, Keith?
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliationChristmas decorations have ALREADY reared their head in my home town. The use of electricity and the increase in carbon footprint for mere decorative purposes is immoral in this day and age of threat to the planet and needs to be stopped, completely.
And here are the signatures so far…
I do so love it when the British public write our commentary for us.