Posted by Ben @ March 11th, 2010 9:25 am. Filed under: Clearly You've Thought This Through, That's SO UNFAIR! I HATE YOU! — Tags: Keith Jones —
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner with neither political nor religious affiliationThe information contained in these books, which is invariably based on their activities while public employees, was gained while they were being paid by the taxpayer for their services. It is only right, therefore that any profits arising out of books written containing that information should be passed to the public purse. It is their information, it does NOT belong to the individual ex-employee.
So does that mean if I write a book about what it’s like working in a call centre I’d have to give a portion of my money to Virgin Media? That’s a bit shit, Keith.
Posted by Andrew @ March 11th, 2010 1:27 am. Filed under: Rejected Petitions, The ePetition Team is a Confederacy of Dunces — Tags: Keith Jones —
by keith jones of one who simply does not believe the excuses given for NOT putting up these petitions (rejected)Everybody on the planet knows that this is a blatant lie because if Gordon shouts ‘Shit’, everybody in number 10 asks "which toilet would you like me to use?" The Prime Minister is currently all powerful because we have allowed him (to our abysmal shame) to become so. Why do you, therefore, need to lie to we aspiring petitioners? why do you not simply reject our petitions with the truth ‘The result of this petition would embarrass Gordon Brown AND Nu-Labour and that, under no circumstances that we know of, can be allowed!
Yeah! You know we’ll do whatever you say. Just command it.
Go on, Gordon, tell us what to do. Tell us where to shit, Gordon. We’re your dirty little bitches, aren’t we? That’s right. Come on.
Yes, yes, YES, Prime Minister!
Posted by Andrew @ March 10th, 2010 9:48 pm. Filed under: Rejected Petitions — Tags: Keith Jones —
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliation (rejected)It must be that those who write our laws are subject to them. If these four alleged thieves are allowed to get away with this then we MUST have riots on the streets and public executions of elected MPs currently occupying seats in the House of Commons – just as they would happen in any other Islamic State.
“Any other islamic state”?
Posted by Ben @ February 26th, 2010 6:15 am. Filed under: Racism, Rejected Petitions, We Don't Take Kindly To Your Type Rahnd These Pahts — Tags: Keith Jones —
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner with a wish not to be killed by a foreigner being kept here solely to protect people who live in his home country, from being killed by him (rejected)Anybody who needs an explanation or elucidation of the point of this petition really ought to get on a plane to a Islamic country!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Posted by Ben @ February 16th, 2010 12:57 pm. Filed under: I AM TALKING!, I'm Keeping The Whole Class Back, Unintentional Irony, Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Children?, spelin an grammer — Tags: Keith Jones —
Our good friend Keith Jones took a three-month break from being mad, but he’s back.
by keith jonesi have been told that the learning books which parents can get to do extra learning at home with they child are not good enough and that i have been stopped my the head teacher of my daughter school beacon hill primary first school. i want the public of the uk that every school should have in place where every parents can have access to what the kids are getting taught at school so we can work with the school with out getting banned for doing the extra learning
Good idea. You might want to start with the English textbooks.
Hm. I’m not convinced that he was the real Keith Jones – the one we all know and love. There wasn’t nearly enough self-righteous shouting going on in that petition. Where are you, Keith?
Oh, here you are:
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliationWe need to put a stop to our government’s gold plating of EU regulations and laws. The blind and silent acceptance of these laws and regulations by our government is done only to put THEM in a good position for future employment in the EU monolith and ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the running of this now God forsaken country!
Ah, there we are. The indignance, the pomp, the emphasizing with capital letters – slap a request to introduce legislation to change the law on there and we’ve got ourselves a winner. And if I’m not mistaken he’s added a little extra to his moniker, too: he’s now a taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliation!
I don’t know about you, but I simply can’t wait to see what Keith has for us this year.
Posted by Ben @ November 24th, 2009 12:06 am. Filed under: This Is What We're Outraged At This Week — Tags: Keith Jones —
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliationThese companies are holding us to ransom. The people of this country would rather walk and freeze to death than enrich the people who are holding us to ransom. Let the people vote and tell these people to go to hell.
Actually Keith, I’d rather not freeze to death if that’s all the same to you.
Posted by Ben @ October 16th, 2009 2:39 am. Filed under: Dear Gordon - I was born without a sense of humour..., In Soviet Russia Petition Signs You, We Have To Save Christmas!, What A Dick, You Know - We Haven't Banned Anything Lately. — Tags: Keith Jones —
Can I help you, Keith?
by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political affiliationChristmas decorations have ALREADY reared their head in my home town. The use of electricity and the increase in carbon footprint for mere decorative purposes is immoral in this day and age of threat to the planet and needs to be stopped, completely.
And here are the signatures so far…
I do so love it when the British public write our commentary for us.
Posted by Ben @ August 31st, 2009 12:00 pm. Filed under: Batshit Mental Rants, Couldn't If He Wanted To, Don't Worry About What THEY Want, Everyone Stop What You're Doing Because You're Mildly Inconveniencing Me, George Orwell Had The Right Idea, I Pay Taxes So You Have To Do Anything I Say, It Says So In The Daily Mail, It's Not Gay If Your Balls Don't Touch, Not Government Business, Presumably The Prime Minister Is Not Too Busy, Rejected Petitions, What A Dick — Tags: Keith Jones —
What would we do without the increasingly mad Keith Jones, eh? I have no idea what he looks like, but I imagine a curmudgeonly old man, maybe with a ridiculously ornate moustache. His hair is thinning. The only footwear he’s worn for the last twelve years are a pair of tartan slippers his grandchildren bought him one Christmas partially as a joke. He has only the vaguest of ideas how the real world works and he thinks he’s figured out how to solve all of its problems.
And it’s through brilliant ideas like these.
What these people are allowed to do is not ‘get married’. What they do is covered by a civil agreement and it should be illegal to use the term ‘marriage’ to describe the condition.
Let’s make it illegal to use a word that means a thing it means. There’s no way that can lead down a dangerous path at all.
Failure to support the indigenous population on this point will SURELY put the final nail in the coffin of Gordon Brown and his scottish cronies on the cabinet.
I actually think this petition would have been approved were he not such a cocky gobshite in the descriptive text. Not to say I support the petition, but Keith has a wonderful way of just being hilariously self-righteous that means that most of his petitions get rejected. I bet he thinks he’s Make A Stand, too. Tch.
I shudder to think what would happen if Keith Jones ever found this website. I imagine that the sky would crack asunder. Or something.
Posted by Ben @ August 20th, 2009 12:23 am. Filed under: Really REALLY Bad Ideas, Rejected Petitions — Tags: Keith Jones —
This is an area of ‘easy’ money raising activity which it is difficult to believe that our government has not taken advantage of it.
Fantastic idea! Then we can use all that new income to fund thousands upon thousands of NHS rehab programs!
Posted by Ben @ August 3rd, 2009 9:59 pm. Filed under: I Am A Brain!, I'm serious!, It's Just A Little Request..., Maybe... but not for THAT reason, Really REALLY Bad Ideas, Unreasonable Demands, We Petition The PM To Climb This Wall Of Text, What A Dick — Tags: Keith Jones —
Oh, hello again, Keith. You want your usual? And by “your usual” I mean “a long, mad, rambling rant about nothing wherein you demand something completely and totally Tonto”?
Our present band of elected representatives have demonstrated, quite admirably, that they consider themselves to be above what is going on in the country. It is immoral, and a fraud, for them to continue costing taxpayers as much during a time of recession as they do during a period of growth. Elected representatives should be forced to endure the same situation as the people funding them and make a contribution by reducing their number pro rata with the number of people who are unemployed. The cost of government burden upon the cohort of taxpayers should be lessened in line with the amount of money being taken in taxes from the fewer number of people who are actually paying taxes.
The question of not having a sitting MP in an area is not a consideration because the government are more than happy for Glasgow East not to have an MP through the summer period because they decided it was not important to hold an election in the normal time frame following the removal of Gorbals Mick – if they can be without an MP for five months then they can be without an MP until the recession is over!
I tried to translate this – it seems to boil down to “Oi, Gordon! People are losing their jobs, so Ministers should lose their jobs too!”. But then there’s all that gubbins about fraud and the Glasgow East MP and to be honest I didn’t finish reading it. Instead, I went into the kitchen and made a Pringles sandwich.
Posted by Ben @ July 31st, 2009 10:29 pm. Filed under: Don't Worry About What THEY Want, I Am A Brain!, I Pay Taxes So You Have To Do Anything I Say, I Sure Hope There's No Way This Can Be Misinterpreted., I'm Keeping The Whole Class Back, I'm serious!, Please State The Nature of the Medical Emergency, Really REALLY Bad Ideas, Thinking Things Through Is Just Not British, Unworkable Ideas, What A Dick — Tags: Keith Jones —
And now, the latest edition of “Keith Jones Presents: Thoughts From A Taxpaying Pensioner Without Political Affiliation”.
Tanning salons cause skin cancer. That is now official. People who use tanning salons to cause skin cancer should not then be able to obtain treatment free on the NHS. Nobody who self inflicts any condition requiring medical treatment should receive treatment on the NHS. Taxes paid into the NHS should be reserved for people who contract medical conditions naturally – we already have enough of those, without taking on responsbility for everybody who makes an active choice to damage themselves.
Right. And people who smoke and then get lung cancer shouldn’t get treatment either. And, hey, nobody has conclusively proven that mobile phones don’t cause brain tumours, so if you’ve ever used a mobile phone or if you live near a mobile phone mast you shouldn’t be able to get any form of treatment. Actually, people have been complaining about power lines and so on over the years as well, so let’s just prevent anyone who uses electricity from getting medical treatment for anything.
Wow! Look how much money we’ve saved for the NHS!
Posted by Ben @ July 14th, 2009 7:04 am. Filed under: Gibberish, Rejected Petitions, Stop Spending My Money On Things I Don't Understand., Thinking Things Through Is Just Not British, We Don't Take Kindly To Your Type Rahnd These Pahts — Tags: Keith Jones —
These people are criminals in the country in which they committed the crime and were not put off because they know there are arrangements for them to be put up in our luxurious hotels (known as HMPs) funded by the taxpayer. This is an immoral drain on the taxpayers in this country and should be stopped. We, the people who fund it, should be given an opportunity to indicate whether or not we are prepared to pay for the upkeep of criminals (and their children) convicted in foreign courts.
Keith seems to think that if a Foreigner comes to the UK and breaks the law that said Foreigner is doing so specifically to get thrown into a British prison. Which is, y’know, bollocks.
I’ve reached a point now where I am convinced that Keith is a brilliantly constructed practical joke. Maybe Ann Widdecombe or someone is sat up on the internet late at night, writing ridiculous petitions just to annoy Gordon.