Yeah! If he wants to stare at children he should ride a bus like everybody else!

Honestly, I’m not in favour of letting convicted paedophiles live so close to schools, but 5 miles? I’ve walked that. It’s nothing. And you can’t really increase that distance because what you’re asking for then is for paedophiles to live out in the woods, or in the countryside or something, isolated from the rest of society.

Oh, I get it. That’s actually very clever!

State-controlled alcohol? That’s a new one.

So does that mean if I write a book about what it’s like working in a call centre I’d have to give a portion of my money to Virgin Media? That’s a bit shit, Keith.

Yeah! You know we’ll do whatever you say. Just command it.

Go on, Gordon, tell us what to do. Tell us where to shit, Gordon. We’re your dirty little bitches, aren’t we? That’s right. Come on.

Yes, yes, YES, Prime Minister!

I think there’s a point in here somewhere. Also: advocating the murder of the Prime Minister!

Nobody cares.

Posted here:

• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/PianoLive/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/PianoLife/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/PianoTime/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/4Pianos/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Fish4Piano/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/JustPiano/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/PianoBrown/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/LostPianos/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Pianoinyourroom/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Pianosecret/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/PianoScent/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Pianobrain/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/PianoDemParty/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Pianopetition/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Pianoplayers/
• http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Piano4all/

“Any other islamic state”?

Maybe when you stop being such a pervert.

But… why? And oh look, some utterly brilliant and not at all homophobic signatures.

make it law that some football matches are available on free channels.

by Richard Garland

I think it’s a disgrace that to watch the likes of the English Premier League football matches, that we have to pay a ridiculous fee to a large corporation. I’m not saying that every match should be free, but on average there’s mostly at least ten matches a week in the Premiership, why can’t even one of those matches be given to a free channel? It’s ridiculous that certain companies appear to have a monopoly on this, why can’t the government intervene, and tell these companies to either stop being so tight or face sanctions? It’s simply nothing short of price fixing because they know fine well there’s no competition. Football should be for everyone.

This petition has been rejected.

Every current sitting Member of Parliament should resign over the expenses scandal.

by Mr Philip Wailing (rejected)

the disgrace of the mp’s expenses scandal has left me, and everyone i talk to with the impression that all mp,s have entered parliament for one reason and one reason only, personal gain. the general consensus of opinion is that not one single m.p. can any longer be trusted. they are a disgrace to the office they hold.

Tell you what: we’ll make them all reapply for their own jobs in a couple of months. Deal?

Sack The Prime Minister.

by mr lol lololl (rejected)

lololooo

lol

stop bad things happening.

by Mr Nicholas Evans (rejected)

Are you sick of all the bad things that happen?

Do you think your government should stop these bad things from happening?

Sign NOW so we can put a stop to this!

make the word ‘clapter’ an official word.

by Miss Bethany Gough (rejected)

We as a history class in Wales have decided that the word clapter should be a real word. This came about because we thought that in the sentence "the room was filled with laughter" there should be an equivalent for clapping e.g, "the room was filled with clapter". After taking it upon myself to research the word I could not find any definition in the dictionary but I did find a reference to the word ‘clapter’ in a book written by Amanda Filipacchi in her novel written in 1993 called ‘Nude Men’.
(This wasn’t part of our history class) My history teacher did agree and many of my friends that this should be a word and i have no made it my life time goal to make this word official.

Give that man a round of applauohwait.

Force MP3 Downlod Sites to Lower their Prices.

by Mr Tommy Grimshaw (rejected)

The reports of a law being introduced to cut people’s internet who share and download files illegally is silly. People may download illegally because it is too expensive otherwise. 99p for a song! iTunes is overpriced, and Amazon, HMV and Tesco have now upped their prices. I always buy songs legally, but am finding it harder not to download illegally, as to do the right thing, and buy songs legally is too expensive.

This isn’t perhaps a bad idea, but he could have done a better job of masking his intentions.

stop allowing islamics to protest in our country.

by george bryans (rejected)

stop allowing islamics to protest in our country about us not allowing them to build more of their mosques. even though we aren’t allowed to build churches in their country. this is very corrupt and injust

immediately release Smoking Ban martyr Nick Hogan from the unjust 6 month jail sentence he has just received for standing up for our personal freedoms.

by Mr Paul Mcilvaney of UK Independence Party (rejected)

Nick Hogan, landlord of the Swan with Two Necks in Bolton, refused to throw two World War II veterans out into the rain to smoke when a council official demanded he do so. As a result, Mr Hogan has been persecuted by that Council and after punitive fines were not paid, he has been jailed for longer than sexual assaulters and other violent criminals sentenced on the same day. This means he will not be able to stand as the selected PPC for UKIP in Chorley in the forthcoming General Election, effectively further impoverishing democracy already under seige in this country.

We do not imprison people standing up for war heroes and pensioners’ rights in this country, we should be giving them medals. Gordon Brown should recognize Nick’s heroic stance for liberty and personal freedom and release him immediately, reprimanding the over-officious council and judge for their mediaevil attitudes! He must release him before he announces a General Election (if he ever does) or he will damage British democracy, liberty and justice even further.

If you want to protest a law you consider unjust by breaking it then fine, but part of that protest will involve going to prison. And if you go to prison, you can’t expect to be an MP at the same time. That UKIP candidates don’t know this is more worrying than it is surprising.

return the Union Jack to its previous honours.

by Mr Harry Jackson (rejected)

Sadly with the growing Multiculturalism of the united kingdoms I feel that I must request the Union Jack, the former great flag of the United Kingdoms is returned to its former greatness. Rather than multiculturalism destroying our national holidays and calling any kind of patriotism ‘Racism’ due to various offences to islam and other Non-English faith’s. I don’t want racism. I simply don’t wish to be mocked or arrested for patriotism and support of the united kingdoms its flag and all of its glory.

God Bless the Queen

Don’t worry, nobody is going to mock you for patriotism.

Starting now.

Well When Would Be A More Convenient Time For You?

Pigeons aren’t stupid. Well, not that stupid. They don’t exist on a purely “stuff thrown at them by tourists” diet.

The “DEVIL BOYS”, as you insist on calling them, were ten and eleven years old. You want to put a ten year old boy in prison for the rest of his life?

The “DEVIL BOYS” are children. You make me sick.

I guess that’s because alcohol is not meat.

Please note even a small amount of alcohol is considered Haraam (Not Halal) according to Islamic Sharia. Stating just “Suitable for Vegetarians” is not enough.

Hence majority of Muslims in United Kingdom request the Prime Minister to enforce all Food related companies to state clearly that:-

-There are no animal ingredients included and its Suitable for all
Vegetarians.

-The alcohol or ethanol has not been used as ingredient.

-If they use any chemicals in manufacturing that ingredients could come into contact with and if they ensured that there was no cross-contamination with haram ingredients. This also include any chemicals used to clean the machinery.

***This will also give people trust on UK Food industry and foreign imports will be limited, because at the moment a huge amount of Halal food is being imported.

Thanks!

If you want to live your life according to an absurd list of made-up rules then by all means go right ahead but you can put the leg-work in yourself. You don’t see children petitioning the PM to ensure all paving slabs are larger than human feet so they don’t have to step on the cracks, do you? You haven’t got a right to feel hard done by if everyone in the world doesn’t play along with your delusions as if they matter a damn.

Because adults are supposedly able to make informed, sensible decisions, while children are not.

Also, your last name makes you sound like a Doctor Who villain.

Either that or it’d put a stop to marriage entirely.

Bless.

This was rejected for containing false information. Fair enough, but I put it to you that it also contains a false name.

This was rejected as an attempt at humour, but I’m less sure because

Announce to Britain the Game is up.

by Marcus James Moody (rejected)

It has come to our attention that the cessation of "the Game" shall only come into effect once the prime minister announces this on national television… As foretold by the prophecy handed down to us throughout the ages by the nameless ones.
Until then the disruption and frustration of near certain loss shall continue.

(We’ve linked to Moody’s petition before.)

It’s funny if you read “GLAZER OUT” in the voice of Cole from Scrubs season nine. “Glazer… owtt!“

Oh yes, please do put a phone number on the ePetition website. I’d love for the ePetition Team to actually hear what some of these people sound like. I imagine Keith Jones would never get off the line.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Bad news, Christine. The Science and Technology Commission’s Evidence Check on our Lord Jesus Christ did not go well for you.

Get a vile group removed from Facebook. It is a group that goes by the name of DEAD BABY JOKES!!. This site has to be removed of Facebook as the jokes are sick. There is no joke about losing a baby. I know first had as i have lost two babies, both were stillborn when i was 7 months pregnant. i would be very grateful that you could help as remove groups like this off of Networking sites, and maybe set some rules that Facebook have to vet there site better!!.

by Mrs Sherri Clarke (rejected)

Just because I know these people sometimes Google themselves and find their entry here, I’d just like to say:

STOP FACEBOOK TO BECOME A PAY SITE.

by CARL MAYO (rejected)

this is to stop facebook asking for 3.99 a mouth so please join and pass on this

I’ll pass on that, thanks.

give me a break.

by Michael O’Neil (rejected)

I WANT the ELECTED BRITISH Goverment who now reside now in Power. Who are servants of the people not the people who are servants to the goverment. Give to me a resettlement grant to leave this country to set up home elsewhere outside of the British Isles. As this Elected Goverment pays non-british persons who have not contributed to our society in any way, giving out benefits and other handout’s to persons only wanting to benefit from this institution. Also this goverment are going to pay insurgents in Afganistan not to shoot? The monies it pays to foreign persons to leave the British shores as a thank you resettlement grant is way beyound the pale. Therefore the Britsh Goverment owe it to me; MICHAL O’NEIL. The choice to become non-british and therefore have to pay me a resettlement grant to reside in another country of my choosing.

Bonus points for mis-spelling your own name.

Start a Human Culling Programme.

by Michael O’Neil (rejected)

More details cannot be shown

You may wonder why I’d include this in what is obviously a post of ‘ah, the government is generally crap’ petitions, but it was rejected because “it contained the names of individual officials of public bodies” so really it was less a sound environmental proposal than it was a hit.

Confusing: writing dates differently than the French.

Not confusing: writing dates differently than last week.

ENSURE THAT LOVED ONES OF MENTALLY ILL ARE LISTENED TO.

by SHEILA of OURLOVEDONESTOOKTHEIROWNLIVES

Please make sure that with regard to Mental Health services the parents/ next of kin or loved ones that know the patient should always be listened to and referred to. If a parent or loved one feels that their child needs to be sectioned under the mental health act then they must be listened to..they know the child better than anyone. If they are not listened to then they should be given a very good reason why and the professionals should accept the responsibility of events that could occcur by way of ignoring the request

“Oh yes, my mother is definitely unhinged. Can you put her somewhere else? We’re planning on converting her room into an office, you see.”

Considering some of the dangers police officers risk on a day-to-day basis, I think having criminals yell their name at them is probably the least of their worries.

Abolish the Children, Schools and Families Bill .

by Bob Wheeler

Attack on parental choice

Currently parents have the legal right to choose which sex education lessons their child attends, if any. But under Government plans this freedom of choice would end on the child’s 15th birthday. In future we fear that this choice could end even earlier.Homosexual partnerships are ‘valued’as normal when common decency says that marraige between a man and a woman is the accepted and moral way to live. Children should be taught that .

All primary schools will be required by law to teach children as young as seven that homosexual civil partnerships and other unmarried sexual relationships should be ‘valued’ on a par with marriage.

This is true: I was invited to a party on Facebook and I went to it.

It was good, but I suppose I got lucky. It could have been a rape-trap. I don’t know why I took the risk. It was probably all that grooming they did, spending ages being actual friends with me in real life. I’m such a fool!

Here are the Google Image Search results for “United Kingdom flag”, and here are the Google Image Search results for “Great Britain flag”. Thanks for playing.

You’re right. We should reclassify churches as entertainment.

Listen: someone else having something they don’t deserve does not entitle you to it.

It is nice to see MPs listen to reason, for a change, unless you are Ms Susan Eastwell BA Hons.

retain NHS funding for Homeopathy.

by Ms Susan Eastwell

For 200 years in the UK, and worldwide, Homeopathy has been legitimately considered medicine and funded by the NHS since inception.

Categorically there is indisputable, replicable, scientific evidence for the efficacy of homeopathic medicine according to scientific, evidence based parameters.

Like allopathic medicine, it does not claim to be a ‘cure-all’ for all conditions, but it does cure and alleviate many medical conditions. It is also very effective when used prophylactically.

Homeopathic medicine can reduces the costs to the NHS of illness, disease and accidents, by reducing the cost of prescription medications, long term cost of care, and hospital ‘in’ and ‘out’ patient days for many medical conditions

Homeopathy can without doubt be part of the solution to our current healthcare crisis and financial deficits. Omitting Homeopathy would be a false economy.

We request that free NHS homeopathic medical treatment remain inclusive in current & future healthcare legislation.
Susan Eastwell B.A. Hons

No it hasn’t, doesn’t, isn’t, can’t, can’t, wouldn’t and no.

all british soldiers deaths on bbc headline news.

by graham holmes (rejected)

bbc should make the tradgic deaths of all millitary personell the headline on the news/not following some inane worrys about the weather/or some footballers wife got a new hair doo! have some respect/the familys of the soldiers deserve more as do the soldiers you! send out

I think this guy just has 26 letter keys and one big ‘punctuation lucky dip’ key.

I think this is the case basically because it’s usually considered unethical to hit a human with a shovel and put it out of its misery.

be allowed to do extra learning at home with your child.

by keith jones

i have been told that the learning books which parents can get to do extra learning at home with they child are not good enough and that i have been stopped my the head teacher of my daughter school beacon hill primary first school. i want the public of the uk that every school should have in place where every parents can have access to what the kids are getting taught at school so we can work with the school with out getting banned for doing the extra learning

Good idea. You might want to start with the English textbooks.

Hm. I’m not convinced that he was the real Keith Jones – the one we all know and love. There wasn’t nearly enough self-righteous shouting going on in that petition. Where are you, Keith?

Oh, here you are:

make an urgent public statement to explain to the long suffering electorate of the UK why it is that the Swedish government can say ‘No’ to EU legislation (they have refused to implement the new law on Data Retention et al) when all that our government ever tells us is that ‘The EU have made the law so we – the british – are legally obliged to implement it’. Why is it legally enforceable in these islands while the same laws are not also legally enforceable in Sweden?.

by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliation

We need to put a stop to our government’s gold plating of EU regulations and laws. The blind and silent acceptance of these laws and regulations by our government is done only to put THEM in a good position for future employment in the EU monolith and ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the running of this now God forsaken country!

Ah, there we are. The indignance, the pomp, the emphasizing with capital letters – slap a request to introduce legislation to change the law on there and we’ve got ourselves a winner. And if I’m not mistaken he’s added a little extra to his moniker, too: he’s now a taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliation!

I don’t know about you, but I simply can’t wait to see what Keith has for us this year.

The people who lived in the tower blocks will simply cease to be, and the Happiness Fairy will sprinkle her fairydust on the building site and wonderful houses with beautiful back gardens will sprout out of the ground! The people in the neighbourhoods will suddenly become kind, wonderful, generous people who’ll put away their hoodies, pull out their acoustic guitars, and sing songs of joy and rapture until the sun goes down.

Then they’ll mug everyone.

means test past Prime Ministers.

by M Else

and if they have more than £66,600.00 in money, savings or assets then they must foot all of their own security bill and stop making the hard working British people pay. (any property owned by the past PM should be sold off publicly to the highest bidder to help pay the bill)

…they want the PM to pay for his own security. Because, you know, keeping the Prime Minister alive doesn’t help the country at all.

Ah, the inflated sense of self-entitlement that comes of being a parent in the UK with a poor understanding of why exactly the unemployed actually receive benefits.

Also, that’s an oddly specific amount of money.

I mean, this is just impressive. Not only has she brilliantly conflated The Hum (which can be many things, some of which are real) and electrosensitivity (which is one thing that is imaginary), she has chosen to pin the blame for The Hum, a low-frequency sound, on microwaves, a high-frequency electromagnetic wave. Then she claims that she is not electrosensitive. Of course she’s not, because that’s made up. No, Mrs Carol Wade is merely sensitive to electromagnetic radiation, specifically pulsed microwave radiation. It’s clever. It’s like someone believing in faries calling themselves a Muslim, only when asked what Islam entails saying ‘faries’.

She goes on to claim this started in the year Channel Five launched (on analogue), and ended the day they moved the digital version to another frequency, and that apparently Channel Five only broadcast after 11pm. It’s just such a rich tapestry of bullshit.

Because without a grave and a certificate for your miscarried baby you’ll just forget? You’re right – that is amazing.

I think they still have some openings left at Xenophobic Racist Shitcock University.

keep Vulcan XH588 in the sky.

by Mr Ed Davison

This is one of the most important airplanes in U.K. history and it requires saving? Remember the Falklands, the only aircraft in the world capeable of doing that bombing run (was a Vulcan) on Port Stanly Runway.

There’s a difference between “I’m not sure if climate change is happening” and “It’s definitely not happening.” One is stating a feeling of uncertainty, and the other is outright denial – and when I say “denial” I don’t mean the psychological “I’m not listening la la la la” denial, I mean the literal denial. Most people labelled as “clime change deniers” aren’t raising questions about whether it’s going on or not – they’re outright saying it’s not happening. The label is apt.

Breastfeeding may be the best way to feed a baby, but I reckon there’s something very wrong about asking the government to revoke the parents’ right to choose how to feed their baby.

Paul Ross has the warmth, grace and gravitas of Ben Shephard with a hangover. There is a shining good reason he isn’t on television much.

I asked my brother Paul to mock this for me but he said no.