Jonestly, if an 8 year-old schoolboy hasn’t figured out how to cross the road by now he deserves to be hit by a car.

Make most state school teachers self-employed.

by Aleksands Halamins (rejected)

I am sick and tired of teachers using “sick pay” advantages not to come and teach at school. Moreover, we as a taxpayer finance these sick off days and instead we have to pay the supply teacher as well as the teacher who is “ill”. Making most state school teachers self-employed will make them realize that that’s the way it goes: if you don’t come to school to teach – you wont get paid, as simple as that! Making the teachers self-employed will have its own disadvantages, however as a self-employed you will pay less tax and also you could make claims. Making the teachers self-employed will improve their attendance. Furthermore, this decision will 100% improve education in BRITAIN!

Yeah! Teachers don’t come to school at all! All they do is lounge about at home watching Diagnosis Murder and raking in the cash. This’ll teach ‘em.

tell the electorate why he should not go the say way as the North Korean politician who has recently been executed for causing a financial disaster in his country.

by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner with no political nor religious affiliation (rejected)

Gordon Brown has created the worst financial situation in the history of people living on this island. There has to be some merit in considering what horrendous fate should befall somebody who has done more damage to this country than any other single person, living or dead.

Keith Jones there, politely asking the government to think about cutting Gordon Brown’s head off.

have Frankie Boyle return to ‘Mock The Week’.

by Mrs Theresa Thomas (rejected)

This is an official petition to have Frankie Boyle return to the quiz show ‘Mock The Week’. Frankie is an asset to the quiz show and British lives are not the same with out him.

The government have officially rejected your official petition, because it’s officially crap.

introduce into the curriculum of education starting at junior level lessons that teach our children to think more critically and intelligently about the concept of defending a nation state using God’s name in vain ‘Dieu et mon droit’, which appears on emblems on military livery in the UK; that it is not only an insult to God but counterproductive to creating a healthy mentally balanced social system.

by Mr Mark Golding of Redsky (rejected)

The idea that a nation exists because of its military power is the raison d’etre of neanderthals. Military establishments in the UK since the dark ages have used God’s name in vain when going into battle. God instructs or directs no man to murder another – this is a fallacious Jewish concept alien to Jesus Christ. The God in this context is not the Creator but the Destroyer – God’s enemy. Unbelievers cannot have it both ways. You cannot think that God is on your side when you support a killing machine that murders innocent citizens by the thousands as in Dresden. Coz He ain’t. If you want to support a killing machine then do it as unbelievers, without dragging the name of God into your conscience as a kind of sanitary towel for soaking up the blood from your hands. Choose destruction or life but don’t think that God supports destruction. He doesn’t, not even if the Queen says so. God is not with the Military.

I think the only person who really has a right to complain about having God’s name “dragged through the mud” is probably God, and He’s been decidedly quiet on the subject.

Surely it wouldn’t so much ease congestion as it would push it forward an hour, especially considering all of the parents who’d have to take their kids into school for 10am would now be starting work later, too.

That’s true. You don’t.

“Every 14, 15 and 16 year old understands the basic importance of physical excercise [sic]“? Really? Are you sure about that?

be allowed to do extra learning at home with your child.

by keith jones

i have been told that the learning books which parents can get to do extra learning at home with they child are not good enough and that i have been stopped my the head teacher of my daughter school beacon hill primary first school. i want the public of the uk that every school should have in place where every parents can have access to what the kids are getting taught at school so we can work with the school with out getting banned for doing the extra learning

Good idea. You might want to start with the English textbooks.

Hm. I’m not convinced that he was the real Keith Jones – the one we all know and love. There wasn’t nearly enough self-righteous shouting going on in that petition. Where are you, Keith?

Oh, here you are:

make an urgent public statement to explain to the long suffering electorate of the UK why it is that the Swedish government can say ‘No’ to EU legislation (they have refused to implement the new law on Data Retention et al) when all that our government ever tells us is that ‘The EU have made the law so we – the british – are legally obliged to implement it’. Why is it legally enforceable in these islands while the same laws are not also legally enforceable in Sweden?.

by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliation

We need to put a stop to our government’s gold plating of EU regulations and laws. The blind and silent acceptance of these laws and regulations by our government is done only to put THEM in a good position for future employment in the EU monolith and ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the running of this now God forsaken country!

Ah, there we are. The indignance, the pomp, the emphasizing with capital letters – slap a request to introduce legislation to change the law on there and we’ve got ourselves a winner. And if I’m not mistaken he’s added a little extra to his moniker, too: he’s now a taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliation!

I don’t know about you, but I simply can’t wait to see what Keith has for us this year.

I think they still have some openings left at Xenophobic Racist Shitcock University.

You don’t benefit from them because you’ve opted not to. And how does asking the government to give you some money back reduce the burden on the educational system? Where do you think your rebate would come from?

No they shouldn’t. That’s what parents are for, and if they can’t afford to then there are already benefits and schemes set up to help parents in this position. What you want is an increase in pocket money, young Master Kodhai, and to that I say: Sod off. Get a paper route or something.

Actually, I disagree. I don’t believe teaching kids about religion is child abuse anymore than teaching children about ancient Egypt, or the Gods of ancient Greece. As long as it’s not taught in the place of Science, and as long as it’s made clear that the religious beliefs are just beliefs with no foundation of reality or fact behind them, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.

Full Disclosure: I’m an Atheist. There is no God. Wheeeeeee!

A great idea that will prepare children for the real world by teaching them it’s okay to go to sleep whenever.

Fortunately the esteemed Miss Hounsome is only making one of these arguments. Unfortunately, she’s a dunderheaded cheese goblin.

go back to basics within education. Only teach up to Primary school children English, Science and Maths.

by Lorraine Hounsome

Only teach Primary school children the basics. Forget about I.T, R.E, ART, HISTORY ETC. Teach them English, Maths and Science and only that. When they start to attend secondary school in the first couple of years they can then start to learn other subjects. Teachers are having to spread the school day very thin due to many other lessons.

Hell, why even bother teaching Maths or Science? Any sums they’ll ever need to do in their pathetically short, sheltered lives can be solved using a simple calculator, and they’ll never really need any of that scientific gobbledy-gook. I mean, almost everything I know about science I learnt from watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, and I learnt what mitosis is from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. And if Twitter and Facebook are any indication, kids today aren’t retaining anything they’re learning in English classes anyway so you may as well scrap those as well.

So, y’know. Let’s just rename schools to Nap Centres and let the kids sleep all day. That way they won’t have to worry their little heads about anything.

Or you could get a job in a different field, save up your pennies, and then move to an area with more IT jobs when you can afford it. I mean, y’know, it’s not the government’s fault you live in bloody Manchester of all places.

Unless school uniform rules have drastically changed in the almost-a-decade it’s been since I finished High School, kids are still allowed to wear coats and scarves.

Also, you’re a ridiculous entity.

Fuck off.

Policy for teachers to report to their nearest school in inclement weather.

by Mr Michael Roots

We, the undersigned, wish the Government to implement as policy for teachers to report to their nearest school when the weather is snowy if they are unable to reach their usual place of work. Thus enabling more schools to remain open and consequently having less detrimental effect on the education of children by having fewer school closures

Ever stop to think that maybe the reason the schools are closed is not because the teachers can’t get to work, but because it’d be unsafe for the pupils to venture out into the weather to get there? No? Thought not.

stop using weather stations to control cwp triggers and use actual city temperatures as every city under a weather station has different temperatures and people are being penolised for coming under a certain weather station if by that station it is not as cold.

by miss kelly johnson

a lot of people are being penolised this winter for coming under weather stations that have not had a trigger of cold weather when in fact people that live miles away and come under it have seen temperatures fall below freezing surely this needs to be looked after or even give us all another one off payment like last jan to ensure we can put our heating on its not just elderley that suffer in winter it is sick and young children too and they dont recieve any extra winter fuel payments

And what exactly constitutes as “actual city temperatures”? Because I don’t think “my Nan’s thermometer says it’s below freezing” really counts.

Stop rationing salt stocks to local councils during this extreme period of bad weather and to help local councils to maintain their own areas without rationing essential salt stocks.

by Malcolm Saggers

Due to the lack of salt stocks in most areas central government seems to feel that they should now dictate who gets further stocks and has asked local councils to start rationing to maintain their stocks, do you think it right that central government should be telling local councils how to deal with icy roads/pavements in their local area? Surely central governments job is to ensure all local councils have what they need to deal with the current conditions without jumping in to ration salt stocks to areas who are obviously in need of essential gritting materials and equipment. Rationing does not solve the problems most councils are experiencing but could make it worse.

It sounds like you’re instead in favour of the Government keeping the supplies, and then when the cold weather snaps into place they simply transport the salt stocks to… uh… oh, I’ve spotted a potential hole in your plan.

State that the everyone capable has a personal responsibility to clear snow on pavements and roads outside their houses, so we can get Britain moving again.

by William Carver

Britain is seizing up with the cold and many pavements and roads are iced up. We cannot expect local authorities to clear all this for us especially when grit is short. On the continent of Europe citizens clear pavements and roads of snow outside their houses and this makes walking and driving safer. It also prevents snow and ice build-up. We need reminding of this responsibility by government so we can get the country moving again and make it safer for pedestrians and road users.

“Hi, British public! It’s me! Gordon! I’ve got an idea for you all – why don’t you stand out in the middle of the road shoveling snow? Yes, I said the middle of the road. No, I don’t see any… oh, right. Yeah. Spotted it now. Thanks.”

Introduce a reduced rate of the Road Fund Licence for permanent 4 wheel drive vehicles.

by Councillor Richard Dodd

In view of the recent adverse weather affecting the whole of the United Kingdom, permanent 4 wheel drive vehicles, such as Land Rovers, have proved invaluable to the community, in getting the elderly to hospital, taking rubbish collections to local refuse sites, rescuing ambulances on emergency calls and other motorists who have become stranded. It seems very unfair that these vehicles pay the highest in road fund licence when they are used to such a beneficial effect for the whole country. They have saved lives. In view of this, rather than being penalised, the owners of these vehicles should be rewarded for keeping the country going rather than being castigated as ‘Chelsea Tractors’, which vehicles such as Land Rovers are not, but essential tools, especially if you reside in rural areas.

This is, of course, ignoring the fact that the sort of tyres you need to be able to properly use a 4×4 in the UK are… banned from sale in the UK! So maybe you should write a petition about that first.

Yes, it’d do us no harm. Well, besides totally screwing up our economy, of course, because we wouldn’t be able to get the few goods we do manufacture to their destinations, nor would we be able to transport the goods we import.

Also, everything else that’s wrong with your idea.

Listen, people: If you’re going to write a petition to the Prime Minister that is in some way connected to the educational system, for the love of God, The Devil, and Bob could you at least get the spelling and grammar right in your ridiculous, overinflated-sense-of-self-entitlement requests? If not for me, then for yourselves?

insist that Edd Balls the minister for education should scrap the new science level scheme for year 8 pupils.

by Ollie hart

that the new science level scheme for year 8 pupils should be scraped as it is rubish complecated and stupid

Presumably Ollie also feel the same way about English classes.

Hmmm… how do you stop kids being kids? Well the only “instant solution” I can think of involves mass culling, but I don’t think the British public will get behind that as a solution.

Comic credit: Kris Straub

stop sexism in schools.

by Margaret King

This is in response, or reaction, to a petition against racism in schools; I signed that petition but I’m sure there is at least as much, if not more, sexism in schools: e.g. boys calling girls “slags” (if they do make themselves sexually available) or “tight” if they don’t etc. There is also what is known as the “hidden curriculum” in which girls internalise ideas about what is suitable for them, as girls who will become women, by observing the relative positions of male and female school staff. And, of course, there was the recent report of the Head of an independent girls’ school telling her pupils that, as girls, they couldn’t “have it all”; my view of this is that women could have more if men, as a matter of course, had less and the fact that they don’t seem prepared to is, almost certainly, due to the sexism experienced in schools.

Ho ho! The requested act is impossible!

Are you sure it’s from parents, carers and friends of children? Because I think it’s a petition from children who don’t like exams.

Yes, but many more people use this thing called the Internet. Really, there are probably far fewer people who want or need a phone book than you think.

Your appalling spelling aside (and I hope one of the classes you’re taking in College is English because, frankly, what the Hell), you do realise you contradict yourself in this petition, right? You say single people don’t qualify for any concessions and then, one run on sentence later, state that they get 25% off of their Council Tax. 25%? That’s almost a quarter!

Ah, the self-entitlement that comes with being a student coupled with the self-entitlement that comes with being British. What a potent combination.

What about the right to sit in your home with a cup of tea watching Countdown without having it interrupted by some git trying to sell you a set of steak knives, or a vacuum cleaner, or something? You’re not providing a service, you’re trying to sell something. If I need a set of all-purpose cleaning products I’ll bloody well pop down to Wilkinsons and buy some as and when the time arises, thankyouverymuch.

I don’t see you complaining about the Telephone Preference Service, or the Mailing Preference Service.

Congratulations for completely failing to understand how EMA works, what it’s for, and what you as a young person should be expecting from the government. I’m trying to work out whether you should spend more time in College or whether it’s simply a waste of time for you.

Right. And people who smoke and then get lung cancer shouldn’t get treatment either. And, hey, nobody has conclusively proven that mobile phones don’t cause brain tumours, so if you’ve ever used a mobile phone or if you live near a mobile phone mast you shouldn’t be able to get any form of treatment. Actually, people have been complaining about power lines and so on over the years as well, so let’s just prevent anyone who uses electricity from getting medical treatment for anything.

Wow! Look how much money we’ve saved for the NHS!

As pointed out by the single comical signature on this petition, children don’t have a choice.

A little research reveals that most NHS dental practices defected and became private because the financial return on working for the state was either ridiculously low or non-existent. Dental care is private because it’s the only way dentists are able to make a living wage and keep their practices open. I’d rather pay to have good teeth than have no teeth at all.

That last sentence right there? That’s you being a Homophobe. Just have a Time Machine, a coathanger, and the date and location of your conception.

Well you are a Homophobe, Mr Simcox. You’re assuming that teaching kids that it’s okay to be gay means teaching them about raunchy butt sex, which is a fairly harmful and, yep, Homophobic assumption to go ahead and make.

I’m running out of pithy wit this afternoon, so I shall instead just refer to Mr Ryce as a moron and leave it at that.

Everything about this petition is utterly hilarious.

Amazing. There are people out there who actually consider their TV to be a utility rather than a luxury.

I love that he says just to run elections, as though elections are largely trivial matters that have no impact on our day-to-day lives.

This is, of course, a perfectly rational idea. Sorry, no, not rational. The other one. Ridiculous. Yes, that’s it.

Ignoring the crushing financial blow of the Government giving away £20,000,000,000,000, let’s address each point individually:

1. Workforce shortage, plus a potential shortage of people who may be qualified to perform the tasks previously performed by the over-50s – British companies come grinding to a halt.
2. There aren’t 20 million cars currently in existence. They would have to be manufactured first. 20 million cars cannot be pulled out of thin air, especially when there are precious few car factories within the UK. In order to meet the quota, current factories have to divert all attention to the new cars. Sales of other cars are crippled because demand cannot meet supply. – Auto industry even more screwed.
3. Not everyone who owns a house is over 50 years old. – Housing Crisis only patched temporarily.
4. It is naive to think that just giving kids an education will “fix” the Crime Rate. I went to school with plenty of people who have become criminals of varying degrees. – Crime Rate remains unchanged.
5. People over 50 wind up becoming dependent on alcohol and tobacco, costing the NHS even more money when they inevitably die, become seriously ill, or try to overcome their addiction.

No Paul, it’s not daft at all. You just don’t have a keen grasp on how the Real World works. Case in point: How does not charging tax on people who are working result in a reduction of “benefit agency staff”? Unemployed people don’t earn minimum wage. They don’t earn anything.

I’m afraid I have some more bad news… it was suicide.

I’m afraid I have yet more bad news… he killed fifty innocent people in a bombing.

Oh, and one more thing…

You know what we need? More wars: ‘…Pass a Law stating that the Minister for Defence must have served at least four years in one of HM Armed Forces, and have had no serious disciplinary actions taken against them’ — Master Christopher Leavesley

It’s vitally important that nobody without a high salary become an MP:

You know, because the upper classes have been so good at it of late.

And now, for some light-hearted nonsense:

If this passes: ‘…Everyone who commits a crime/offence should have them same done to them. Life should also mean life.’ — James Fox then I think we can expect an increase in rape.

There are few legitimate reasons, but I’m pretty sure I can think of one. I love the idea, though, that people will continue not to hit each other with cricket bats if baseball bats are banned. It’s so charming. No, cricket’s far too polite for that. It’d be great, though, wouldn’t it? You’d see a chap get mugged on the street and say to your friend, ‘ooh, that’s not cricket’, and he’d say, ‘technically, it is!’ Oh, the hilarity.

Was anybody else hoping this: ‘…Provide a FREE pedometer to every school child in the UK.’ — Mr Charles Ambrose Walduck was to alert children to nearby paedos?

I heard once, the NHS treated this brown coloured chap, and didn’t even charge him. It’s a disgrace:

They really have to abolish the dirty-bomb allowance.

You know what else we should abolish? Stubbing your toe. Hurts, doesn’t it? ‘…Abolish the social class system’ — Conor And your idea makes about as much sense.

Calling attention to this one not because I think it’s particularly crap, but because of the single signature left by someone who… well, they’re a bit of a dick, aren’t they?

All I see is words here. Good luck to anyone who tries to read this petition.

Or you could call your local Police station. Most telephone line providers these days don’t even bother to charge for local calls.

This is a very sensible option. In Bizarro world.

Most European countries have their ridiculous weather with more regularity. The UK only gets stupid snow storms once every three or four years. Stop whining.

There’s no evidence for it, either. Evolution, on the other hand, has a fuckload of evidence to support it. Also: A Hypothesis is a scientific idea. A Theory is scientific fact.

I didn’t know they were planning to.

I want to agree with you, but you appear to be under the impression that marriage now is exactly the same as it was in the 30s. God, whether you believe He exists or not, has bugger-all to do with marriage today. You plumb.

A reminder: The global economy is down the shitter. Try to have a little perspective, will you?

Firstly, “less rules”? “burdon”? “agancy”? Where the ruddy Hell did you get your degree as a Social Scientist? Because if it’s the same place you learnt English, You may want to double-check their credentials.

Secondly, what rules? Last time I applied for a job, it was easy – I applied by sending a CV, went for an Interview, then hoped for the best. That’s more or less a three-step process, or a two-step process if you only count the ones that actually involve actual effort on your part.

Clearly the locals think differently, otherwise they’d have shopped there more.

Fuck right off, will you?

A noble suggestion, but short of giving every bully in the country a lobotomy there’s no way to actually stop bullying of any kind.

Or, basically, make England more like China.

The top signature aptly sums up my thoughts on this one. I also question the age of the petitioner, so this get classified under “Young, Dumb, And Online”.

Death!

Death!

Death!

Probably Death!

Nonsense!

Pointlessness!

Insanity!

End!

Gordon Brown should be all over this idea, especially considered that, depending on what tax band the “two” salaries fall under, they could theoretically be drawing twice as much tax out of the family.

This petition doesn’t seem to have anything to do with itself. Also: What about online ticket sellers such as TicketMaster who email a digital ticket that has to be printed out? You lemon.

“Hello, is that the Landlord of the small flat I’m renting but don’t currently live in because I own a house further up the road? Ah, hi there. Listen, the heating’s gone and I was wondering if–… No, not in the flat, no. The house. — Yes, the one up the road. — Well yes, I know you don’t have anything to do with that house but I was hoping you could send a plumber to… hello? Hello? He hung up!”

Call me young and naive, but I don’t understand the philosophy of “Old people deserve free things.” I mean, I get the point of free bus passes for OAPs and disabled people, but suddenly deciding that they deserve free energy, food, etc. seems somewhat silly to me. Maybe I’ll change my tune when I’m older (hint: I probably won’t), but right now it seems a little ridiculous to me.

Mr Hull (who I always thought had died a few years ago when he fell off his roof trying to adjust his TV aerial) does not seem to understand the current economic crisis that has befallen the entire bloody world.

In my experience, the immigrants coming over from mainland Europe are only doing the jobs that no other bugger seems to be prepared to do. If we tell these people that they can’t do these jobs anymore, then the jobs won’t be filled at anywhere near the rate that they have been, meaning that jobs in factories, on building sites, and so forth go unfilled and consequently the entire country suffers.

But, hey, never mind that, You just sit there in your Favourite Chair reading that article in the Daily Mail about how British Jobs are quite clearly being Stolen by Pablo the Polishman. Clearly.

Or, better yet, we could just mandate that parents keep their kids on those leash things until they turn 21.

“Behold! Kneel in reverence for I am Peter Foster, the Voice of Newark, and I wish for things to stay exactly as they are!”

“Dear Politicians, please stop lying forever. Love and kisses, Keith.”

Maybe it’s left to London’s Metropolitan Police Counter-Terrorism Command (assuming that’s what they’re called) because they’re a division of the Metropolitan Police specifically tasked with dealing with counter-terrorism?

Did you know that the first swearword was uttered in 1992? In fact since then, over 1.7 million swearwords have been coined in the UK alone, which is singularly responsible for the decline in the Standards of Decency in the UK. The Decency Standards Council recently issued a statement that they would look at remedying the issue, only they don’t actually give a fuck.

I love the notion that just because something is British-made it’s inherently better than its foreign counterparts.

Mr Hendry is probably just annoyed because he had a wet dream all over his Union Jack bedsheets last night.

When I worked at NTL, the cleaners there had a rather novel solution to this problem. It was called “Knocking on the door and asking very loudly, ‘Is there anyone in there?’ before opening the door.”

I honestly don’t know how people would react to seeing ads on the BBC, but I suspect that there’d be another petition shortly after the BBC aired their first ad calling for the ads to be removed. As for the BBC iPlayer… well, I’m in the States and I can’t access it.

This is actually a fairly sensible question. But it’s not a petition.

This whole problem can be put to rest by a minor change to the wedding ceremony – immediately after “Do you take this person to be your lawfully wedded wife/husband?”, the Priest (or other legally appointed representative) can then ask “Are you sure?”, then “Are you really, really sure?”, and then, finally, “No backsies?”

Or you could, y’know, keep an eye on your kids. I mean, they’re five years old. What are you doing letting them wander off on their own?

It’s rare to see something simultaneously oxymoronic and tautological, but if anyone can manage it it’s a petitioner.

Well we can ask, but I think I know what he’ll say…

I have literally no idea what this guy is suggesting, but I can see from here that it’s moronic. He seems to be suggesting that we give unprecedented amounts of money to the worst investors in the country.

Pitt is very slowly orbiting a reasonable point. Orbiting, and also drifting off into open space a bit.

Yeah! That’ll show ‘em! Because it’s not possible that even one of them is not personally to blame or deserved it at all.