Our good friend Keith Jones took a three-month break from being mad, but he’s back.

be allowed to do extra learning at home with your child.

by keith jones

i have been told that the learning books which parents can get to do extra learning at home with they child are not good enough and that i have been stopped my the head teacher of my daughter school beacon hill primary first school. i want the public of the uk that every school should have in place where every parents can have access to what the kids are getting taught at school so we can work with the school with out getting banned for doing the extra learning

Good idea. You might want to start with the English textbooks.

Hm. I’m not convinced that he was the real Keith Jones – the one we all know and love. There wasn’t nearly enough self-righteous shouting going on in that petition. Where are you, Keith?

Oh, here you are:

make an urgent public statement to explain to the long suffering electorate of the UK why it is that the Swedish government can say ‘No’ to EU legislation (they have refused to implement the new law on Data Retention et al) when all that our government ever tells us is that ‘The EU have made the law so we – the british – are legally obliged to implement it’. Why is it legally enforceable in these islands while the same laws are not also legally enforceable in Sweden?.

by keith jones of taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliation

We need to put a stop to our government’s gold plating of EU regulations and laws. The blind and silent acceptance of these laws and regulations by our government is done only to put THEM in a good position for future employment in the EU monolith and ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the running of this now God forsaken country!

Ah, there we are. The indignance, the pomp, the emphasizing with capital letters – slap a request to introduce legislation to change the law on there and we’ve got ourselves a winner. And if I’m not mistaken he’s added a little extra to his moniker, too: he’s now a taxpaying pensioner without political nor religious affiliation!

I don’t know about you, but I simply can’t wait to see what Keith has for us this year.

Guarantee all English University applications preferance before any over sea’s.

by Andre Robertson

Lord Madelson has said “Students who miss out on a university place this autumn should take up an apprenticeship or college place”. If more people are applying to attend University then all English people qualifiying to attend a University in England should be given preferance above over sea’s applicants. The people of England voted in a Goverment to protect the welfare of this nation.

Vice-chancellor of the University of Worcester Professor Green said the government had strayed from its own policies of widening access to higher education.

He said: “One of the most important principles in higher education, for almost 50 years, has been the Robbins principle – that ‘courses of higher education should be available to all those who are qualified by ability and attainment to pursue them and who wish to do so’.”

I think they still have some openings left at Xenophobic Racist Shitcock University.

Offer tax relief to parents who pay for their children to be educated privately or through independent schools thereby reducing the burden on the state education system.

by Richard Wood

Many parents put their children through privately funded schools. Whilst this is an independent choice of those involved, by doing so they reduce the burden on the state education system. Therefore this petition aims to allow parents to gain tax relief for their choice by allowing them tax relief on payments made in relation to school fees. Under existing arrangements parents and guardians are currently taxed for services which they do not benefit from.

You don’t benefit from them because you’ve opted not to. And how does asking the government to give you some money back reduce the burden on the educational system? Where do you think your rebate would come from?

Pay students to go to school.

by Vasundhara Kodhai

All school pupils should be paid an educational allowance to buy educational resources i.e. uniform, pens, books, computer appliances and software etc.

No they shouldn’t. That’s what parents are for, and if they can’t afford to then there are already benefits and schemes set up to help parents in this position. What you want is an increase in pocket money, young Master Kodhai, and to that I say: Sod off. Get a paper route or something.

Abolish religious education for primary school children.

by Shawn Harding

I believe that teaching religion to children is child abuse as children are automatically programmed to learn whatever is done/taught by the parents no matter how wrong or right their ideology is.

Let them make up their own mind once they have reached the age of 10-12 when they can fully comprehend the religions for what they are and can interpret them as they see fit.

Actually, I disagree. I don’t believe teaching kids about religion is child abuse anymore than teaching children about ancient Egypt, or the Gods of ancient Greece. As long as it’s not taught in the place of Science, and as long as it’s made clear that the religious beliefs are just beliefs with no foundation of reality or fact behind them, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.

Full Disclosure: I’m an Atheist. There is no God. Wheeeeeee!

allow children to sleep in school.

by Mr David J Berry of dense

Schools should accommodate pupils who need to sleep in school. Schools are places of refuge and repose for many children – sometimes they are the only places out of harms way of troubled family life. Children should be fed, watered and taken care of in the school environment and that includes allowing for a provision of sleep if necessary. Learning will come by way of their nutrition in the basics. A child who has not slept prior to attending school is not likely to participate or engage effectively within the classroom environment. If a child falls asleep within a classroom the teacher should continue as normal, not drawing attention to the fact – it is plain that the child needs sleep rather than education. It is possible that at the end of the lesson the child can be given homework. What is certain is that the child will be able to learn in a better frame of mind having had some sleep.

A great idea that will prepare children for the real world by teaching them it’s okay to go to sleep whenever.

There’s the argument that school is becoming too dumbed down. There’s also the argument that school is becoming too complicated and hard. Invariably these arguments always seem to come from the same people.

Fortunately the esteemed Miss Hounsome is only making one of these arguments. Unfortunately, she’s a dunderheaded cheese goblin.

go back to basics within education. Only teach up to Primary school children English, Science and Maths.

by Lorraine Hounsome

Only teach Primary school children the basics. Forget about I.T, R.E, ART, HISTORY ETC. Teach them English, Maths and Science and only that. When they start to attend secondary school in the first couple of years they can then start to learn other subjects. Teachers are having to spread the school day very thin due to many other lessons.

Hell, why even bother teaching Maths or Science? Any sums they’ll ever need to do in their pathetically short, sheltered lives can be solved using a simple calculator, and they’ll never really need any of that scientific gobbledy-gook. I mean, almost everything I know about science I learnt from watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, and I learnt what mitosis is from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. And if Twitter and Facebook are any indication, kids today aren’t retaining anything they’re learning in English classes anyway so you may as well scrap those as well.

So, y’know. Let’s just rename schools to Nap Centres and let the kids sleep all day. That way they won’t have to worry their little heads about anything.

Bring more IT jobs to Manchester.

by paul woodburn

I have been trying to find a job in IT (Information technology) for over a year.

I cannot drive and I cannot afford to learn to drive because I don’t have a job.

There for I cannot travel outside Manchester to work.

IT needs to be big in Manchester. After all this is where Alan Turing made his famous computers.

Or you could get a job in a different field, save up your pennies, and then move to an area with more IT jobs when you can afford it. I mean, y’know, it’s not the government’s fault you live in bloody Manchester of all places.

To make the school teachers wear a school uniform.

by Mr Graeme Anderson

i think that schools are making the pupils wear school uniform and in the cold are complaining that the kids are wearing no school uniform items. were as the teachers can wear coats and scafs in school.

Unless school uniform rules have drastically changed in the almost-a-decade it’s been since I finished High School, kids are still allowed to wear coats and scarves.

Also, you’re a ridiculous entity.

Teach our Children Britain’s National Anthem Compulsory each week in schools.

by Julie wyatt

Stunned that my children had never heard the National Anthem before I begain thinking. This should be COMPULSORY in ALL schools at the end of each school week. To give future generations Pride in their homeland. Make it Complusory.

Fuck off.

Blimey, it’s cold! How cold is it? It’s so cold my family has been gathering around the freezer for warmth? Ba-dum-bum! I got a million of ‘em! Y’know what else I’ve got a million of? Petitions relating to the cold weather in some capacity. Won’t you read them with me? Because I’ll be damned if I’m going to read them on my own!

Policy for teachers to report to their nearest school in inclement weather.

by Mr Michael Roots

We, the undersigned, wish the Government to implement as policy for teachers to report to their nearest school when the weather is snowy if they are unable to reach their usual place of work. Thus enabling more schools to remain open and consequently having less detrimental effect on the education of children by having fewer school closures

Ever stop to think that maybe the reason the schools are closed is not because the teachers can’t get to work, but because it’d be unsafe for the pupils to venture out into the weather to get there? No? Thought not.

stop using weather stations to control cwp triggers and use actual city temperatures as every city under a weather station has different temperatures and people are being penolised for coming under a certain weather station if by that station it is not as cold.

by miss kelly johnson

a lot of people are being penolised this winter for coming under weather stations that have not had a trigger of cold weather when in fact people that live miles away and come under it have seen temperatures fall below freezing surely this needs to be looked after or even give us all another one off payment like last jan to ensure we can put our heating on its not just elderley that suffer in winter it is sick and young children too and they dont recieve any extra winter fuel payments

And what exactly constitutes as “actual city temperatures”? Because I don’t think “my Nan’s thermometer says it’s below freezing” really counts.

Stop rationing salt stocks to local councils during this extreme period of bad weather and to help local councils to maintain their own areas without rationing essential salt stocks.

by Malcolm Saggers

Due to the lack of salt stocks in most areas central government seems to feel that they should now dictate who gets further stocks and has asked local councils to start rationing to maintain their stocks, do you think it right that central government should be telling local councils how to deal with icy roads/pavements in their local area? Surely central governments job is to ensure all local councils have what they need to deal with the current conditions without jumping in to ration salt stocks to areas who are obviously in need of essential gritting materials and equipment. Rationing does not solve the problems most councils are experiencing but could make it worse.

It sounds like you’re instead in favour of the Government keeping the supplies, and then when the cold weather snaps into place they simply transport the salt stocks to… uh… oh, I’ve spotted a potential hole in your plan.

State that the everyone capable has a personal responsibility to clear snow on pavements and roads outside their houses, so we can get Britain moving again.

by William Carver

Britain is seizing up with the cold and many pavements and roads are iced up. We cannot expect local authorities to clear all this for us especially when grit is short. On the continent of Europe citizens clear pavements and roads of snow outside their houses and this makes walking and driving safer. It also prevents snow and ice build-up. We need reminding of this responsibility by government so we can get the country moving again and make it safer for pedestrians and road users.

“Hi, British public! It’s me! Gordon! I’ve got an idea for you all – why don’t you stand out in the middle of the road shoveling snow? Yes, I said the middle of the road. No, I don’t see any… oh, right. Yeah. Spotted it now. Thanks.”

Introduce a reduced rate of the Road Fund Licence for permanent 4 wheel drive vehicles.

by Councillor Richard Dodd

In view of the recent adverse weather affecting the whole of the United Kingdom, permanent 4 wheel drive vehicles, such as Land Rovers, have proved invaluable to the community, in getting the elderly to hospital, taking rubbish collections to local refuse sites, rescuing ambulances on emergency calls and other motorists who have become stranded. It seems very unfair that these vehicles pay the highest in road fund licence when they are used to such a beneficial effect for the whole country. They have saved lives. In view of this, rather than being penalised, the owners of these vehicles should be rewarded for keeping the country going rather than being castigated as ‘Chelsea Tractors’, which vehicles such as Land Rovers are not, but essential tools, especially if you reside in rural areas.

This is, of course, ignoring the fact that the sort of tyres you need to be able to properly use a 4×4 in the UK are… banned from sale in the UK! So maybe you should write a petition about that first.

Banish car’s and planes Bring back the Horse and Cart !.

by eva kanaris

Band planes, cars and anything which is causes global warming. Auto mobiles should only be used for Emergency services only. This would stop pollution, and stop fatel car and plane accidents. Why dont we face up to it, that as a modern race we will not do anything to prevent global warming unless it is against the law. Prime minister’s of the world should take charge, and stop relying on the hope that we will take Tv documentary’s seriously unless we are faced with real forceful dramatic action. A tough challenge for us to except and adapt to, either way this is the only positive solution which would do us no harm.

Yes, it’d do us no harm. Well, besides totally screwing up our economy, of course, because we wouldn’t be able to get the few goods we do manufacture to their destinations, nor would we be able to transport the goods we import.

Also, everything else that’s wrong with your idea.

let every child have the right to have EMA even if there income is over £30,000 a year.

by Gabriella Alberti

to be honest i dont think it is fair for people that have families that earn over £30,000 cant recieve ema for there children, if people are paid for going to college i still think everyone should by the goverment

Listen, people: If you’re going to write a petition to the Prime Minister that is in some way connected to the educational system, for the love of God, The Devil, and Bob could you at least get the spelling and grammar right in your ridiculous, overinflated-sense-of-self-entitlement requests? If not for me, then for yourselves?

Welcome to S-cool (School + cool) Speak with me, your host, Blawesome (Bloody + awesome) Ben. Our first letter comes from little Ollie Hart, aged 11. (Well, presumably. He’s in Year 8 so he could be 12.)

insist that Edd Balls the minister for education should scrap the new science level scheme for year 8 pupils.

by Ollie hart

that the new science level scheme for year 8 pupils should be scraped as it is rubish complecated and stupid

Presumably Ollie also feel the same way about English classes.

Stop endemic bullying in british schools once and for all.

by julian kinsley

Bullying has been endemic in British schools since their inception. It is one of the biggest causes of social disharmony and under achievement. It is time the government did its job and put a stop to it. No more ineffectual ‘we are doing this’, ‘we are doing that’. We wish for a complete and instant solution without delay. If the government is not up to protecting its own nations children now, it genuinely is not fit for purpose by any definition. We demand an end to this intollerable situation without delay. This is one of the most important issues affecting this nations future. We beseech the government to put all necessary resources into finding a solution right away.

Hmmm… how do you stop kids being kids? Well the only “instant solution” I can think of involves mass culling, but I don’t think the British public will get behind that as a solution.

We want to stop homework being given out.

by Miss Julie Gaydon

Sign this petition to ban homework in school. Homework should be banned because work is for at school and after school they should be spending time on doing other things. Teachers don’t like taking it home to mark either.

Comic credit: Kris Straub

Ho ho! The title of this post is ironic!

stop sexism in schools.

by Margaret King

This is in response, or reaction, to a petition against racism in schools; I signed that petition but I’m sure there is at least as much, if not more, sexism in schools: e.g. boys calling girls “slags” (if they do make themselves sexually available) or “tight” if they don’t etc. There is also what is known as the “hidden curriculum” in which girls internalise ideas about what is suitable for them, as girls who will become women, by observing the relative positions of male and female school staff. And, of course, there was the recent report of the Head of an independent girls’ school telling her pupils that, as girls, they couldn’t “have it all”; my view of this is that women could have more if men, as a matter of course, had less and the fact that they don’t seem prepared to is, almost certainly, due to the sexism experienced in schools.

Ho ho! The requested act is impossible!

Abolish SATS tests for primary school children.

by Michelle Amos

This petition is from parents/carers/friends of children who would like to see an end to SATS testing on primary school children.

Are you sure it’s from parents, carers and friends of children? Because I think it’s a petition from children who don’t like exams.

reject the plans to make all opt in for the free delivery of phone books.

by J Tomlinsobn

those who want to opt out of the yearly phone book delivery should be allowed to, but many people rely on the phone book as that costs nothing to find a number unlike 118118 and 192

Yes, but many more people use this thing called the Internet. Really, there are probably far fewer people who want or need a phone book than you think.

take into consideration the single people who work full time on minimum wage and still cant live because they dont qualify for anything including to help.

by MISS AMANDA WATERSON

the goverment want young people to go to work when leaving school the people who cant afford to go to uni or other extra education who want to do the right thing an support themselves get no help as we dont qualify for anything if you are single work full time for minimum wage what can you do you dont qualify for any benefits or council properties to rent unless you wait between 10 and 20 years . the only thing you qualify for is 25%off your council tax its hard to look for further education because if you work full time you are restricted to times and if you finish work at 6 you cant get to collage by 6.30 on public transport so most courses are unavailiable and you have to pay to do them anyway ,so if your struggleing to live on minimum wage how do you pay there needs to be support for people who want to work and help themselves otherwise if they dont know what to do they take the easy way and get others to pay.

Your appalling spelling aside (and I hope one of the classes you’re taking in College is English because, frankly, what the Hell), you do realise you contradict yourself in this petition, right? You say single people don’t qualify for any concessions and then, one run on sentence later, state that they get 25% off of their Council Tax. 25%? That’s almost a quarter!

Everyone That Has Gone Into Voluntary Education Should Recieve £15-£20 EMA.

by Evangeline Bircham

I have gone into further educaion but do not recieve EMA as my parents earn above the limit to recieve it. Many students that go to the 6th form that i am studying at, also do not recieve EMA, we all think that people who choose to study in further education believe that we should recieve some money as EMA (£15 – £20) This would help most of the students as it is very hard to find jobs with the current recession that is taking place.

Ah, the self-entitlement that comes with being a student coupled with the self-entitlement that comes with being British. What a potent combination.

Cancel all current and stop anymore “no cold calling zones” being established.

by David Varney of Lincs Prime Fresh

These zones are an infringement of the rights of honest people to earn a living by contacting consumers in their homes. These zones are an over reaction to the minute, but tragic, incidence of “doorstep” crime. The agencies involved, Trading Standards, Local Authority, Police, should spend their time catching the perpetrators of this crime not stopping honest people from providing a service to local communities. Once again this is an example of this governments inability to cure the disease and taking the lazy option of treating the symptons to the detriment of innocent people.

What about the right to sit in your home with a cup of tea watching Countdown without having it interrupted by some git trying to sell you a set of steak knives, or a vacuum cleaner, or something? You’re not providing a service, you’re trying to sell something. If I need a set of all-purpose cleaning products I’ll bloody well pop down to Wilkinsons and buy some as and when the time arises, thankyouverymuch.

I don’t see you complaining about the Telephone Preference Service, or the Mailing Preference Service.

ensure that people on EMA get the same amount of money as those on jobseekers allowance.

by Miss Jade Wilcox

I feel everyone should get EMA, as we are all in education and trying to make something of our lives and we need money to supply things such as travel fayres and coursebooks. I do not think it’s fair also that those on jobseekers allowance that are not getting out there and actually searching for jobs are earning around £100 every two weeks which is what i earn in 5 (I am on £20 a week EMA). I feel EMA should be increased to the same amount as job seekers over the two weeks and everyone in full time education should receive this and not at subsidised amounts depending on what parents earn. It’s not parents that go to college is it? It’s us young people who need to buy our own equipment and travel fayres. I just feel that people when they actually get jobseekers allowance spend it on alcohol and not things which they actually need anyway and taxpayers such as my parents are benefitting their drinking fund with money that could go on my education. I do hope you take note of this petition as young people never really get a say and the chance to show how they feel.

Congratulations for completely failing to understand how EMA works, what it’s for, and what you as a young person should be expecting from the government. I’m trying to work out whether you should spend more time in College or whether it’s simply a waste of time for you.

And now, the latest edition of “Keith Jones Presents: Thoughts From A Taxpaying Pensioner Without Political Affiliation”.

Right. And people who smoke and then get lung cancer shouldn’t get treatment either. And, hey, nobody has conclusively proven that mobile phones don’t cause brain tumours, so if you’ve ever used a mobile phone or if you live near a mobile phone mast you shouldn’t be able to get any form of treatment. Actually, people have been complaining about power lines and so on over the years as well, so let’s just prevent anyone who uses electricity from getting medical treatment for anything.

Wow! Look how much money we’ve saved for the NHS!