YIPPIE KAI YAY MOTHER HUBBARD

Posted by Ben @ February 10th, 2010 9:01 pm. Filed under: Clearly You've Thought This Through, Featuring A Special Celebrity Guest!, You and What Army?, spelin an grammer — Tags:

Hey guys! Guys! Look who it is!

by Bruce Wallace

Neutral countries have little need for a swollen defense budgets because their non-aggresion policies result in few enemies. All current security threats to this country are as a direct result of our aggressive foreign policies, or those of countries that we are allied to. By adopting a stance of neutrality we would greatly reduce the necessity for such a large defense budget.

Oh wait, no. Sorry. My mistake. It’s just some shithead with a poorly thought-out idea.

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And Now: People Complain About Nothing

Posted by Ben @ December 18th, 2009 8:06 am. Filed under: Abolish This!, Clearly You've Thought This Through, Featuring A Special Celebrity Guest!, Nanny Knows Best, This Is The Worst Kind Of Discrimination! The Kind Against Me!, Unintentional Irony, Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Children?, You Know - We Haven't Banned Anything Lately. — Tags: , , , ,

by robert woods

Onlline petitions are a sign of the lapse of interest and general lethargy inherent in the british public. If you want to complain about something, get off your arse and do it properly.

Define “properly”. Also: Irony!

by Ted Charlton

…and to help you keep track of how much you’re spending, you can use a Smart Meter.

by Alan Davies

Just because some people don’t look over 25 they cannot buy alcohol or cigarettes. The legal age for purchase of both these products is 18. Please legislate to stop this discrimination and nannying.

Age verification is not discrimination. But then, what do you know? You keep getting the Obvious Alarm on QI.

by Ben B

By abolishing daylight savings time in the following way. Next summer time (2010)clocks go forward by one hour, repeat for another two years and never move the clock back. This will eventually lead to long summer days rdeucing the cost of lighting which will be positive for the environment. This will also reduce traffic collisions

I like the part where you suggest we abolish Daylight Savings, but everything else is just bollocks.

by Keith Harris

In a time of breakdown of family life, the government needs to look at stopping Bank Holiday trading. This year, more and more retailers are open longer hours over Christmas, using the excuse that December 26th is on a Saturday and trading normal hours. They are also treating December 28th and New Years day as normal trading days rather than open reduced hours. All these days, and other Bank Holidays should become trading free to allow more family time,which has all but been eroded by greedy high street retailers.

Yes, because being able to pop down to Wilkinsons and buy yourself a Snuggie is causing the very fabric of society to tear at the seems.

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We The Very Talented Petition Peter Mandelson…

Posted by Ben @ November 26th, 2009 11:13 pm. Filed under: Featuring A Special Celebrity Guest!, Video, Wait a minute... this isn't a petition! — Tags:

This is exactly how you respond to the government doing something you disapprove of. I hope you’re taking notes, Keith Jones.

Source: Dave Gorman

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It’s a Dog-Gone Shame

Posted by Ben @ May 14th, 2009 7:12 am. Filed under: Anything I Want Should Be Mandatory, Featuring A Special Celebrity Guest!, In Soviet Russia Petition Signs You, Invading The Animal Kingdom — Tags: ,

by Bruce Denney

All persons looking after animals (both commercial and domestic) should be required to sit an exam to demonstrate they have sufficient knowledge of the animals in their charge to be able to look after them properly and to be responsible guardians.

The exams should be aimed at ensuring adequate care, not ensuring that particular groups can have particular pets e.g. 7 year old having small rodents. The exams should be relevant to the animal types concerned and the cost of the exam relative to the degree of knowledge required to be tested.

…and people who fail the exam will have to make do with having kids like everybody else.

by Catherine Bell

I propose that a national register of dogs is set up with mandatory registration for all dogs owned in the UK, and DNA records kept on all dogs. The purpose of this would be to prevent owners from allowing their dogs to foul in public places and not pick up the mess left behind by their pets. Environmental departments of the councils of the UK would have the power to take samples of dog mess left in public places for DNA testing and then issue fines to owners. Spot checks would also need to be carried out by vets and environmental wardens to ensure that dog owners had registered their dogs and had the appropriate paperwork in place.

Really? That’s what you want to spend tax payers’ money on? Doing DNA analysis of random bits of dog shit found in parks and on the pavement? Honestly, I expect better of a Saturn Award winning actress.

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The State We’re In

Posted by Ben @ March 23rd, 2009 4:52 pm. Filed under: Featuring A Special Celebrity Guest!, NOOOOOO!!!

by Philip Stott

Honour Jade Goody with a state funeral, so that her millions of admirers and well wishers may attend.

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Dare To Be Stupid

Posted by Ben @ December 15th, 2008 9:21 am. Filed under: Already The Case, Duplicate Petitions, Featuring A Special Celebrity Guest!, Maybe... but not for THAT reason, So I Just Type What I Want Here And The PM Has To Do It?, Young, Dumb, And Online

by Rebecca Townsend of Student

We all need to do our bit to help reduce Global Warming. Recycling is something we can all do to help, but is the government doing enough to help us, help? We are one of the worst countries for recycling, and i feel we should be setting a better example, as we are one of the most powerful countries in the world. I think, if recycling bins were introduced on our streets, it would be easy to sort out our rubbish, instead of just throwing it away in a normal rubbish bin. For example, separate bins for paper, glass, cans etc. but in the style of a normal public bin. I have been to other countries in europe, and they are doing loads to recycle, including the recycling bins in public areas. I have also seen this in a few places in the UK, but there is not enough of them. My name is Rebecca Townsend and I am a 16 year old student in year 11, living in South Gloucestershire. I think its important that we recycle and do as much as we can do help our planet, as it is my generations and the generation to come, that will suffer from Global Warming.

16 years old and not very observant – there are already recycling bins all over the ruddy place.

by Anwarullah Qazi

I would like to urge the Prime Minister to strongly advise and pressurize president Karzai to negotiate with the Taliban in Afghanistan. This will not be negotiations with terrorists but with those people who are disappointed from government and have been left with no choices but to join the terrorist organization. This will benefit the NATO troops, the Afghan Government and Afghan people. The negotiation would also ease the efforts to build the country and to bring peace, stability and democracy in Afghanistan. In addition, it will help to avoid Afghan soils to become a camp for terrorists, who could then change the way of our lives either in Afghanistan or abroad. Karzai`s government is failing to provide better protection to Afghans and trying to avoid to negotiate with the Taliban. We petition you to make these changes to bring peace, stability and democracy in Afghanistan.

I’ve fairly sure that “people who… have been left with no choices but to join the terrorist organization” are still classified as terrorists.

by George Galloway MP

…saving 30,000 jobs and the 700 high street stores that have been serving the public for 99 years. The rescued People’s Woolies will be a bulwark against the worst effects of the recession, employing local people, buying from local producers, easily reached by public transport, and providing the goods and services that people on low incomes need. We ask the government to do this as a matter of urgency, before Woolworths assets are stripped without any public benefit.

Ignoring the preexisting petition asking for exactly the same idiotic thing, our favourite Celebrity Big Brother contestant seemingly believes that all 700 stores popped up overnight nearly a century ago, and also seems to have forgotten that Woolworths mostly sells overpriced tat.

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