Posted by Ben @ April 30th, 2009 4:09 pm. Filed under: This was Yesterday's News Ages Ago,What A Dick —
Almost two years after Madeleine McCann vanished, there has been no trace of her and no-one has yet been brought to justice, even though it is certain that at least one very serious criminal offence has been committed. We ask the Prime Minister to order a review into the role played by British police in this investigation, with a view to establishing the best way to bring this investigation to a successful conclusion.
There are plenty of unsolved cases. Sometimes there just aren’t enough leads, isn’t enough evidence, and that’s it. The case sits dormant because there’s nowhere else to take the investigation. And, unfortunate as it may seem, the Madeleine McCann case is an example of this. Accept it and move on – the rest of the country has already forgotten how to spell her first name.
We the people of Great Britain, ask the Prime Minister Gordon Brown, to pass an Act of Parliament which makes the playing of music, or of other audio, from the loudspeaker(s) of mobile phones, or other audio devices on Public Transport to be a criminal offence.
What, so even people listening to their MP3 players at a respectable voulume get in trouble? Wow, what a dick.
Posted by Ben @ April 28th, 2009 5:31 pm. Filed under: I Sure Hope There's No Way This Can Be Misinterpreted.,This Is What We're Outraged At This Week,We Don't Take Kindly To Your Type Rahnd These Pahts —
Response to the Swine Flu headlines has been interesting. Take this entirely realistic petition, for instance…
A permanent border force based at Ports and Airports should be created not just illegal to catch immigrants but also to monitor and catch any possible epidemics. Recent cases such as bird flu or swine flu show the neccessity of keeping a border force on watch for epidemics and testing suspected cases.
“‘Xcuse me, sir, but do you happen to be carrying any pandemics about your person today, sir?”
“Well, I have a couple in my luggage, yeah.”
“Could you follow me please, sir…”
Or this one, which I’m sure is another person jumping on yet another piece of recent news to keep dem im’gents out of the country.
We should do our best to reduce the impact of what could kill many people by closing our borders with immediate effect.
What, even block flights from countries that haven’t reported Swine Flu infection yet? Well that sounds perfectly reasonable…
Posted by Ben @ April 28th, 2009 5:26 pm. Filed under: Unintentional Irony,Unreasonable Demands,Unworkable Ideas,spelin an grammer —
school’s don’t take note of special need’s until a child is at least two year’s behind,in primary education,it’s not good enough changes have to be made,two in every ten children have sen moderate to severe,unfortunatly the moderate sufferers rarely get help.
Is she talking about one of her kids in this petition, or herself? It’s so hard to tell.
When was the last time you were given a vote on anything other than the elections? It just doesn’t happen any more, thus it is not true democracy. Is there any reason why we cannot be given more voting powers? We need more power to the people! We need to be told exactly what we are voting for. We need our power back. I call that for every law and decision that affects the people of the UK in a strong way (e.g. The Lisbon Treaty), there should be a referendum for the people on the electoral role to vote on.
We vote for politicians who we believe will make the right decisions on our behalf. That’s what electoral voting is for. If the petitions on the Government site have taught us anything, it’s that the British public should have absolutely no say in things that affect the British public.
Posted by Andrew @ April 25th, 2009 8:15 pm. Filed under: Genius!,Only joking!,Rejected Petitions,Stand Back! I'm Going To Try SCIENCE!,We Petition The PM To Climb This Wall Of Text — Tags: john jenkins, Mark Russell, Simon Jenkins —
Dear Prime Minister,
We the undersigned request that the late Jade Goody be made Patron of England and for her to be associated with St. Georges day on April 23rd (or whatever day it falls on in any particular year.
Jade Goody was quintessentially English and raised public awareness of cancer. Please let the British public pay respect to both her and St George’s day by making her the Patron of England!
There is no part of this that makes any sense at all. The only way I’ve found of making it seem sensible is to compare it to this one:
Money mediates trading of goods and services over time.
Trade pausing there for power of imperialist imperative currency is dubious and is against general public influence to decide.That currency fundamentally disenfranchises people against holding those whose actions impinging on conciseness to transparent account.
Say that in that paradigm good-faith trading is for goods not power. Let the seller beware to sell guns.
A new currency paradigm is required to account for ideas to take reality with individuals having competence to that fundamental economic power. Any qualifications need be based on knowledge drawn into pragmatic truth based predicate calculus rather than the access to force to destroy.
This may be called a metric currency based on two of the fundamentals of physics: time and energy. While there is quantum uncertainty between these primitives they may be macroscopically perceived. Thus mediate those formal ideas finding structure in space-time and momentum.
Such may be seen as a possible reference currency. Ignorance of benefit of ideas over force is a public nuisance, a common law crime.
The wonderful thing about the metric system is how much it simplifies everything.
In order to discourage young people from taking up smoking due to peer pressure, all smoking materials (which have to be purchased over the counter) should be renamed. People would be embarrassed to ask for 20 "I look a Twat" or 25 grams of "limp penis" and a packet of "no mates" papers.

Posted by Ben @ April 24th, 2009 1:08 pm. Filed under: Anything I Want Should Be Free —
The government has given car makers a lot of our money, instead of this, they should buy every tax payer a new car, thus giving the tax payer a sweetner and at the same time giving car manufacturers money and clearing some of their huge stockpiles.
Nice try Chris, but you’ll have to buy your own damned car.
Posted by Ben @ April 24th, 2009 1:06 pm. Filed under: I Deserve Free Money Because Of The Credit Crunch,Invading The Animal Kingdom,We Petition The PM To Climb This Wall Of Text,What A Load Of Bankers,Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Children?,You Know - We Haven't Banned Anything Lately. —
Smoking has become too much of a plague, it forces babies to die before they are born and causes lung cancer for innocent passers-by. It is time we did something about this. My dad always told me “If we banned smoking, there would be more crime” but hasn’t already happened with illegal (pardon my spelling) drugs? Stop the manufacture and when the supply runs dry, ban smoking, crime goes up a little, smoking related deaths go down a lot! Cigerettes are worse than cocaine, as they harm people around you as well as you.
It’s never going to happen. You’ve wasted your time writing this petition.
Throughout the UK, there are too many dogs owned by too many irresponsible people. By re-introducing an annual dog licence that costs an amount per dog that is enough to put these people off, dog problems (mess, barking, attacks etc) will be reduced.
When you say “irresponsible people” I’m sure you mean “poor people, who are all stupid.”
For example, if the predicted billions being given to banks to prop them up were diverted and given to private homes, and commercial/industrial premises as grants for insulation and micro generation (photovoltaic, solar water heating, ground source heat pump, air source heat pump, wind turbines, hydrogen generators, rain water collection, grey water recycling etc) as appropriate. This would make all properties carbon negative, producing more electricity and hydrogen gas than they need, and contributing to national grids for energy, and fuelling transport. With all these properties generating surplus power there would be no need for new nuclear PowerStation’s, freeing further billions of pounds for coastal protection against sea level rise, protecting millions of acres of housing, industry and agriculture. Defences like the Severn Barrage could also generate power. All this would create new industries making, installing and maintaining these systems, eliminating unemployment.
An interesting idea, if totally unrealistic and ungrounded in reality. Also, I find myself wondering if Andrew Hope is the main character in a bizarre geek-parody of “Crank”, in which he has to keep himself alive by constantly typing as much as possible. If he stops typing, he dies. Exciting stuff.
Make it protocol that all social workers working with children and families undergo a mental health assesement at regular intervals by independent psychiatrists – ones that are not used in cases against families.
Due to the growing pressures and demands of the job and problems faced, mistakes are made and families suffer due to authoritive incompetence. A mental health assesment of all social workers will ensure public confidence and avoid future mistakes by social workers mental health which to date is unquestioned.
The mental health screening and background checks including medical files of social workers should be made compulsory when working families and children.
Nurses also work with children. So do ice-cream van drivers. And Lollypop Ladies. And Early Learning Centre employees. And Nannies. And Build-A-Bear Workshop staff. And Punch & Judy Show performers. And people in costumes at theme parks. Would you like all of these people mentally assessed as well, just to be on the safe side?
Posted by Ben @ April 24th, 2009 12:48 pm. Filed under: Duplicate Petitions,Everyone Stop What You're Doing Because You're Mildly Inconveniencing Me,Lord Knows I Ask Not For Myself —
I am 63 years old, and I am concerned about alchol use,together with the availability of easy access to alcohol. Alcohol has become to easiley available. I sugest that all supermarkets seperate alcohol sales by having a section that would need customers to re enter the alchol sales section after buying their normal shopping. To have a alchol only department with a seperate check out till, with a responsible mature cashiere who would have the athority to question suspect purchases. I would also sugest that other shops selling alcohol have a mature cashier working on the till, to question persistant purchases of alcohol instead of just a rubber stamp attitude. In other words making alchol purchases very much more observed than at the moment.
Silly. Where do you put your trolley full of groceries while you pop into the Booze Emporium? Mm? Nowhere, that’s where.
Children under 5 should not be allowed to fly on long haul flights (6hrs 30mins+). Not only are they a nuisance to other passengers, but there could be health risks invovled for the child. More research needs to be done to ensure that there is no undue risk for children flying on long haul flights.
What you mean to say is, “I’m fed up of hearing some kid whinging and crying while I’m trying to play Tetris on the in-flight entertainment system.” Also, kids have been flying for years. Why now have we decided that we have to check everything for potential risk?
we would like to stop animal testing as it is cruel either done medically or with make up.
It IS STILL cruel.
please ban it.
I’m not going to comment on this petition, but rather call attention to the person who’s signed their name as “We are top of the food chain,so tough.”
Also, I’m almost positive that this petition is a duplicate.
Posted by Ben @ April 23rd, 2009 12:59 pm. Filed under: Anything I Want Should Be Free,I Am A Brain!,You Know - We Haven't Banned Anything Lately. —
The 30mph speed limit is often broken simply because many motorists are unsure of what the speed limit is. In all other speed limit areas repeater signs are present. The 30 mph speed limit is usually in force in built-up and residential areas which have a greater number of hazards. Therefore speed limit reminders should be clearly posted in these areas.
You don’t need signs all over the bloody place telling you the speed limit. It’s mentioned in the Highway Code. It’s covered in the theory and practical test. And, as if that wasn’t enough, you will find the occasional sign politely reminding you of the speed limit. The only people who are going to forget the speed limit are people who haven’t actually got a license.
Ban a country? From what? The Olympics? The Eurovision Song Contest? The Bi-annual Global Powers Tea Party And Square Dance?
At the end of the Ashes series in 2005, English cricket was at its zenith. Yet, four years on, there is no cricket whatsoever on terrestrial television. Cricket is far from a minority sport in this country, it is one of the main team sports along with football and rugby. So why, when England matches are ring-fenced and kept on terrestrial television in the cases of football and rugby is cricket shunned in this way? Imagine the outcry if no football was free-to-air?
No-one can deny that Sky Sports do a good job. But the fact remains that in order to receive the cricket, you have to pay twice over for the privilege (once to Sky, then extra for the Sports package). There is no reason why Sky cannot have the rights to other forms of cricket, One Day International and Twenty20 matches, and away test matches, not to mention domestic cricket. If the terrestrial stations cannot afford it, then the Government should provide financial support.
Cricket isn’t shunned at all. Sky have just twigged on to the fact that they can make a bit of money by showing Cricket matches on their sports channel, because there are people like you out there who take it incredibly seriously. Really, you just want to be able to watch the Cricket for free.
Posted by Ben @ April 22nd, 2009 1:12 pm. Filed under: Invading The Animal Kingdom,Lies Damn Lies And Nonsense Statistics,Not Government Business,Really Epic Duplicate Petitions,Stand Back! I'm Going To Try SCIENCE! — Tags: Kalvis M. Jansons —
How on Earth did this petition get approved?
There are many reasons why we might want Brown to resign, but rather than having lots of narrow petitions on this topic (most of which have been rejected), I wanted one for all of us.
There are quite probably hundreds of petitions, most of which have been rejected, all asking the Prime Minister to resign. How on Earth did this one get approved?
Oh well. Now that’s out of the way hopefully we can move on to some sensibly crazy petitions.
Or not.
Albert Einstein once said that if bees disappeared, man would have only four years of life
Honey bees are now really struggling to survive with many colonies dying out. Although the Government is giving some funding to the National Bee Unit, why on earth is VAT charged on beekeeping equipment?
If anything, a grant should be given to encourage more people to keep bees.
Yeah, no, I’ve always wanted to get into beekeeping, but the extortionate price of the equipment has always been a barrier for me.
According to the UK government and media, climate change is melting the north pole ice. The truth is it is actually growing so this appears to contradict the assertion that climate change is a reality.
We call upon Gordon Brown to explain why he insists climate change is a reality in the face of this evidence to the contrary.
I don’t see why the Prime Minister should be forced to end a debate that’s been raging on in the scientific community for decades. How is that his job?
Posted by Ben @ April 21st, 2009 12:01 pm. Filed under: We're British, Dammit!,What A Dick —
The nationalist movements in Wales, Scotland and Northeren Ireland are fundamentally opposed to the constitutional status of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northeren Ireland. Their drive towards independence represents a direct attack on the stability and sovereignty of the state and their actions should be considered as acts of sedition, and should be prosecuted under the Treason Act 1531.
Let’s use a half-a-millennium old piece of legislation to prevent the open discussion of something that, frankly, deserves to be discussed.
Posted by Ben @ April 20th, 2009 12:51 pm. Filed under: Gibberish,Maybe... but not for THAT reason,We're British, Dammit! —
I would like to pertition to thte Govenment that British police should carry guns. I beleive that as English people, our police should carry guns. Situations arise in times of war which require a big change. So I think our police force should carry guns. Them only.
Whether or not British Police officers should carry guns or not is a debate in and of itself, but Lee’s “reasoning” – which consists of “I’m English!” and “In case you hadn’t noticed, there’s a war on” – is quite remarkable.
Posted by Andrew @ April 19th, 2009 7:33 pm. Filed under: In Which We Mock The Petition Site Itself —
Here is an entirely sensible petition. In case you tend to read the petitions and skip the commentary, I will now repeat myself in larger letters:
THIS PETITION IS ENTIRELY SENSIBLE
Petition is not about Kettling.
Police officers were seen needlessly hitting a woman with a truncheon and violently pushing a man to the floor who 30 mins later died.
Those officers should be immediately sacked for gross misconduct and investigated for possible prosecution. The police officers have the opportunity to defend their actions under questioning.
This should be swiftly followed by an investigation as to why the police officers acted this way.
I reproduce it here because the government’s response to it was to reject it because
It was similar to and/or overlaps with an existing petition or petitions
The ‘additional information about this rejection’ includes a link to this petition:
(THIS PETITION IS ALSO PERFECTLY FINE)
The "Kettle" is best known for having been used in the May Day protests at Oxford Circus in 2001, after which it became the subject of a civil action, brought by one of those contained and only finally resolved by the law lords (in the police’s favour) in January this year.
This intimidatory and inflammatory tactic used by the police can leave those participating in legal protest to be effectively imprisoned on the street for hours on end. The results of this and the implications upon our freedom to protest are plain to see.
How can such heavy handed policing of law abiding citizens be right in a so called democracy?
For crying out loud! The Ian Tomlinson case is sufficiently sinister-looking already. Weeks after it becomes an offence to video the police, someone catches them on camera hitting and pushing over a man they claimed, based on a post mortem by a previously reprimanded pathologist, had died of a heart attack but turned out to have died of being hit with a stick and pushed over, and the IPCC are claiming they asked for said post-mortem but weren’t given it, and it generally reeks of a rather dodgy (and incompetent) cover-up, so it seems to me that it’s in Downing Street’s interests to read the relevant petitions carefully enough not to reject them for reasons which make no sense if you read even one sentence of their descriptions.