Archive for January, 2009

Brace yourselves. This is amazing:

by brian mawdsley (rejected)

The tradition of public houses in England dates back centuries. They play a vital role in social cohesion and the relaxation and de-stressing of the majority of people. Health studies show that a Type A personality, an inability to release stress, is a greater predictor of cancer than smoking. If the unintended consequence of the smoking ban is the loss of this vital safety valve the overall health of the nation may suffer.
It is a simple matter of legislation to achieve the benefits of non smoking and the benefits of the public house by offering a choice, a basic human right, to be staffed and frequented by those who choose to be there.
The Department of health’s figures on which the government supports its legislation are highly misleading. They focus on the benefits of compliance and disregard the psychological and social health benefits of the public house.

– 98% compliance only means we abide by the law.
– 76% of people in support (and even 55% of
smokers in support); This suggests 55% of smokers support the law while only 21% (76% – 55%) of non smokers do; a highly dubious finding.
– 87 % of businesses said …. only means the public abide by the law.

Oh, my God, you don’t understand anything. The attempt at mathematics is my favourite bit, but the criticism of the compliance statistic for not referring to support is a stroke of genius too. I feel like I have to invent about six new categories just for this one idiotic demand. Also, indulging your dangerous drug addiction in other people’s workplaces is not a ‘basic human right’, you utter dick.

by Keith Smitham of Tax payer (rejected)

In view of the government’s recent re direction of tax payers money
I would like part of my tax payers money to ensure that National team sport can be seen on terrestrial TV.
British sport should be viewable to all in Britain. Our children deserve it.
Viewing sport in this country should not be elitist

Bonus points to Fake Keith Jones for combining the usually separate categories of I Want To Watch The Football For Free and Lord Knows I Ask Not For Myself. But mostly, shared for his delightful butchered phrasing ‘my tax payers money’. He has his own tax-payer.

by Alex Heylin of People’s rights for liberty and justice (rejected)

We the undersigned demand the right to test each Taser on each individual police officer and the Home Secretary before each weapon is released to a FULLY TRAINED officer. We further demand that all officers to whom these weapons are released are fully trained to handle these firearms in order to avoid the abuses we have already seen both in this country and others where they are used. This is in order to reduce the demand for release of these weapons to under-trained and untrustworthy police officers by a Home Secretary who is never likely to be on the receiving end of one unlike perfectly law abiding members of the public who are constantly at threat from under-trained, lazy, or generally uncaring and incompetent police officers. This is not to defame all police officers, but power leads to abuse – it is a fact, and the public need protecting.

That would be ‘no’.

by Louis Ibell (rejected)

this is going to be epic fail :( .

It must be stopped!

Realistically, how likely was Brown to watch Dragonball Evolution anyway?

by Stephen Medley (rejected)

This version of the song is a disgrace to the word "music". The whole programme has proved itself to be a vehicle in the destruction of credible music. Music stores should be forced to replace the above named version with copies of more credible versions, to include, but not limited to those by Leonard Cohen, Jeff Buckley and John Cale.

This would go right against the separation of morons and state.

by Conor Cheyne (rejected)

We are, the celtic people, are tired of living under the Tyranny of the Queen and her goverment, we want to be free like we once were. We Want a Free Scotland, a Free Wales and a United Ireland, and wont stop until we have it!

Then don’t ask like a git. Have you seen the queen? She’d be a rubbish tyrant. Can’t even control her own family.

by Matthew crook (rejected)

Due to the spirit of christmas vanashing we might as well make a token gesture every leap year. With a ban on decorations any where before the 14th December , especially in retail. We can then return to once a year when the season of good will and not commerce is recognized . Let’s kick the mighty £ out of Christmas.

Anyone?

by Marcus James Moody (rejected)

It has come to our attention that the cessation of "the Game" shall only come into effect once the prime minister announces this on national television… As foretold by the prophecy handed down to us throughout the ages by the nameless ones.
Until then the disruption and frustration of near certain loss shall continue.

Not enough xkcd here.

by J Kinsley (rejected)

Sceintific discoveries are now uncovering a link between psyche and disease. As this link becomes more apparent the government policy of using cigarette packets to advertise and promote disease will be recognised as misguided.

You’d have to be pretty determined to nocebo your way into dying of cancer.

by Mark Andrews (rejected)

Clearly, with a vote so resoundingly against Manchester’s proposed congestion charge, those who supported the yes campaign and the millions of pounds of wasted public money on the referendum should be held accountable. They are evidently so out of touch with the people they purportedly represent to deserve being removed from office.

I live in Manchester and the last people I want running the place are the cretins who make up the general population.

by james (rejected)

this petition is to try and stop retailers opening on boxing day

Because..?

by James Green

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to do everything in his power to exercise justice for responsible pensioners who verifiably paid their statutory dues during the working life through income tax, national insurance contributions, SERPS or private pension, but who are currently denied access to council tax relief, rent allowance and cold weather payments.

This petition recognises that the government exercises a threshold for access to social security benefits but urges the Prime Minister to review the existing ceiling in respect of responsible pensioners in the light of the spiralling cost of living and the hardship it is inflicting on these marginalised senior citizens who, having made voluntary provision for retirement, are now increasingly obliged to resort to using meagre savings to meet their statutory obligations.

This petition further urges the Prime Minister to consider exempting marginalised pensioners in their seventies, eighties and beyond from paying council tax.

Fair enough, probably, but I’m posting your petition because you’ve defined ‘justice’ to mean ‘what I want just now’. I have a category for that and I’m determined to use it because it’s a Peep Show quote. If you want something, ask for that. Don’t just generally demand ‘justice’ and expect everyone to know what you’re talking about.

by Paul Smith

Allowing anyone to grow hemp for food would benefit the enviroment and health of the nation also growing hemp on unused land would reduce or slow down global warming

Not that I’m against the growing of hemp – it’d make a very good biofuel, or so I’m told – but I can see this sort-of being abused a bit. See if you can work out how.

by CARL DAVIS of DAVIS MOTOR CO

As a business man, having run my own business for 20 years. I know for certain if v.a.t was none existant the cost of living, would be reduced dramactically. This would then kick start the economy as average working class people would have more money in their pockets. Thus making the public more confident to borrow and spend. In my opinion if this is not done immediatley the country will be in the biggest recession since the 1920’s. please abolish v.a.t for up to 1 year and then bring it back in at around 5% to be increased up to around 10% in late 2010

Actually, cost of living would go up because they’d have to tax you some other way to make up for the lost revenue. You clod.

by Frank Newman-Thomas

to save Harmaondsworth cementery from the third runway and let our loved ones rest in peice. why do this to such a nice quite area why ruin a peice of History and why distroy peoples lives just leave it alone

Good idea, but you probably should have asked someone who can actually construct a coherent sentence to write this petition for you.

by Roy Marriott

When I wish to travel, e.g. to Scotland or to the Pyrenees, I find that it is much cheaper by plane than by rail. I understand that this is because there is no fuel duty or VAT on aviation fuel.

Please level the playing field so we can afford to travel by the most environmentally friendly means!

Can’t ever happen, won’t ever happen. Other countries such as the US don’t charge tax on fuel used for aviation purposes, so if the UK started airlines would just buy their fuel elsewhere.

by Stuart Cross of Earth

As the only option for law-abiding citizens who have no shame in wanting to pursue a certain path, alcohol does more harm than good. It costs families, individuals, their friends and lovers, the NHS so much.

The well respected adage that ‘everything in moderation’ is ok, is not possible when there is only one option. It is best to go one way or another, and not sit on the fence.

Certain people will never change. That’s life and it’s their chosen course, how they choose in their minds to live it to the full.

I believe that the problem will never conveniently disappear until we go one way or another, and that as we seem so intent on going one way then we should put our hearts where our words are and see what happens.

Let’s see how certain folk react when deprived of their drug of choice. Will they all get fat on bacon butties? Will they turn to shrooms or something even harder? Good people are suffering because they are only free to indulge in one thing, and the issue is never going to disappear as long as that thing remains freely available alongside the prohibition of all else.

Stuart Cross, DEFENDER OF THE EARTH, has apparently never studied the history of Prohibition. Or, at the very least, he’s never seen that episode of The Simpsons where the sale of alcohol is prohibited and Homer becomes the Beer Baron.

But, Sir… is now on Twitter. Mostly this is a convenient way of moving the blog update notifications off of my own personal Twitter feed, but we may also use it to call attention to petitions from time to time.

by Simon Smith (rejected)

As a gay man i think it would be nice to see cartoon makers creat gay / lesbian cartoon’s on children’s t.v as the goverment are wanting us all to be more politically correct. the makers of television progams ie emmerdale farm and coronation street have bought is gay actor’s


Anything else you were wanting?

by E. Couling (rejected)

Currently veterinary surgeries charge exhorbitant fees for drugs, in some cases more than twice the price these can be obtained through the internet. Vets have now begun to charge for prescriptions in line with this Government lifting the ban on charging, leaving consumers in a trapped position of having either to pay for massively over-priced drugs, or buying from the internet AND having to pay a vet extra costs

If you want to keep an animal in your house, you can damn well pay for it yourself. If nefarious vets are price fixing, complain about that — don’t capitulate and demand I foot the bill.

Oh, and…


I mean, this is just easy.

by Michael Dodds (rejected)

Pursuant to that law, provision must be made that every householder of old housing stock in GB & NI be given the sum of £1,500 towards the purchase and installation costs (owners of multiple houses will only be paid the gratuity once to keep them in line with single property households) of installing said windmills. Owners of apartment blocks must install windmills of sufficient power to run the entire block of apartments, they will be paid a proportion of their set-up cost. Local councils and housing associations will have to comply with this law, by installing windmills on all of their properties, they will receive government grants to cover their set-up costs also. Where a house holder is an elderly disabled person or couple, the full cost of installing a windmill on their property should be born by the DWP. 2020 should be the target for completion of this scheme.

There’s no way that could get annoying. Can we not use solar panels like sensible people?

I mean, did you even think about this?

by Vincent Turner (rejected)

The large scale expansion of many High Street Grocers has, and is still having, a devastating effect on many small independent businesses. Our High Street are on the verge of complete meltdown. An alternative approach would be to control or restrict what a particular retailer is allowed to sell. For example would there be wider benefits it supermarkets were not able to retail alcohol products and to buy such products you went to a specialist retailer that only sold alcohol. There are many examples of where control can deliver significant and wider benefits. We seriously need to address the preditory tactics laws to protect the wider business community.

Surely that’s just absurd? It’s illegal to sell tomatoes and vodka in the same shop? I have to make two trips to buy one cocktail? Isn’t that just massively inconvenient for no particular reason?

Seriously? Are you actually serious?

by A.P.Bonnington of home

Many people don’t work but get their rents and council tax paid plus receive other benefits. I want all unemployed people to get income support plus a housing allowance of fifty pounds per week if they don’t live in rented accomodation but have a mortgage. Rent money paid to the unemployed at the moment pays off the landlords mortgage and this should be capped at a fair level to encourage work. I live in a leasehold flat and get no help with service charges in times of unemployement – the housing allowance would help pay these charges and stop me from facing court action.

Yes, but the benefits paid the the unemployed also fund Tesco, and they’re rich. Why not complain about that? And why not complain that the unemployed get benefits while the workers are expected to manage without? I don’t understand how people can so fundamentally miss the point of benefits. To each according to his needs, I thought it was.

by Edward Campbell

Given the condition of the roads, not all the taxes collected for the purpose of road repairs, “Road Tax” is being used. Every driver knows when they almost wreck their suspension on a daily bases they are overpaying for the upkeep off the roads. It is shameful the UK Government are taxing motorist to such an extent while funding private company’s bad securities.

No, what you want is “Fix The Roads”. There is no actual connection with ‘road tax’ and ‘tax money which is spent on roads’, and nor should there be. Frankly, you should worry about any tax named after what it’s spent on rather than where it comes from. I agree that it’s not really on for the government to tax motorists so much when the roads are as rubbish as they are, but you can’t expect all tax revenue from cars to be spent on making it easier to drive around: that would fly in the face of the government’s stated ‘green’ policy and what they’d do with all that tax they collect from smokers I have no idea. A much better idea would be this petition which was posted about the same time.

by Louis McLean

Under the current system, a litre of petrol has levels of duty placed on it and then VAT is applied like any other good. This means that in effect people are paying tax on tax. This is unjust and unfair. Instead the duty should be applied after the VAT is applied to the undutied petrol. This should reduce the price of petrol by quite a lot.

No, this is massively irrelevant. Fuel duty is controlled by the need for taxation and the desire to deter people from using it without good reason. The price and total income are factors, not the actual percentage or pounds-per-litre value of the duty. If they stopped adding VAT to duty, they’d just increase the duty by 17.5% and you’d have to pay more for the rest of the year.

by Ashanti (rejected)

Action needs to be taken against Mr Stringer for his outrageous claim that dyslexia doesn’t exist.

Mr Stringer describes dyslexia as a "cruel fiction" that should be consigned to the "dustbin of history". He believes the reason many children cannot read and write properly is that the wrong teaching methods are used.

Unfortunately, if he researched dyslexia he would have found out that it is a lot more then just "not being able to read or write" You can be the most intelligent person in the world, but with dyslexia you just need a supporting hand to help you organise muddled thinking, something which is most definitely not due to “bad teaching”

How on earth can he state that dyslexia doesn’t exist when he is used to interpreting things one way, used to seeing things one way?

An open letter to the people of Blackley,

As you may know, at the last election you voted for Graham Stringer to be your representative in Parliament. Unfortunately, I must tell you that he recently wrote a column in which he made some factually inaccurate claims about dyslexia. I am therefore sorry to inform you that as of Monday he will be sacked from his role in government and you will have no voice. Please make a better choice next time.

Yours forever,
Gordon x

PS. There is no way this system could be abused so please don’t take this the wrong way.

by Dream Rose (rejected)

Tasha is awesome, she needs to be a moderator.

Gordon Brown is not the boss of the Internet.

GORDON BROWN IS NOT THE BOSS OF THE INTERNET!

by James Hobbs of Media UK (rejected)

Marketing folk seem determined to ruin classic confectionary / chocolates by renaming them to ostensibly make them more easy to understand. Or something. It defies logic. It’s stupid. Please stop this.

‘The noisette triangle’ is now ‘the green one’. Why isn’t the new Audi R8 called ‘the fast one’? Why isn’t an old English sheepdog called ‘the fluffy one’?

It’s stupid, that’s why. Bring back the old names.

And don’t even get me started on Cadbury removing crunchies from Heroes. That’s offensive.

I hate myself for agreeing with every word of that.

by Nicholas Kingsley (rejected)

Now that mop-head Jeremy Clarkson has been seen assulting Ian Hislop on Have I Got News For You, with a deadly weapon (namely a pen), isn’t it about time that these obviously dangerous writing implements were banned.

This was rejected because “It was intended to be humorous, or have no point about government policy”. I think I know which.

You should move to Zimbabwe. You can’t buy a bottle of coke for less than Z$1 billion there.

by lee setters

I petition the prime minister to ban the building of skyscrapers in London.
London is packed full of beautiful pieces of traditional grand British architecture and to ruin that with building a tall glass box I think is wrong and not supporting the traditional heritage of our great country.
When people want to see skyscrapers they go to New York or Chicago when people want to see grand pieces of traditional European architecture on the grandest scales they come to London or go to Paris.
I understand that they are needed for the financial sector but are they?
London still manages to be one of the biggest financial centres in the world with a relatively low skyline that provides us with a beautiful view of our ancient historic capital city.

Some kind of system of planning permission might be in order, then?

by sarah williams

The Union Jack has stood for 200 years, DON’T CHANGE IT NOW!

I didn’t know they were planning to.

by Catherine

Marriage is making a solemn vow by two people between man and God to live together till death. Therefore it should be for life. If a person knowingly marries another through deception, and it is found out that there was a hidden agenda and achieve British status however, long when it is discovered the status should be removed from the person and then deported.

I want to agree with you, but you appear to be under the impression that marriage now is exactly the same as it was in the 30s. God, whether you believe He exists or not, has bugger-all to do with marriage today. You plumb.

by Donna-Marie Fay

Ryde council tax UP 6%. Even though house prices have fallen?!

A reminder: The global economy is down the shitter. Try to have a little perspective, will you?

by Barbara Ross of Harmony Care Markets

We ask that there be less rules to get a job. The requirements take too many months to go through before a position can be filled. Such as Social Work. This causes too many vacancies. Too much unemployment for those waiting to get a job. Too much burdon on benefits. Too much danger for unhelped clients who can only get agancy assistance. Barbara Ross – Social Scientist – Harmony Care Markets

Firstly, “less rules”? “burdon”? “agancy”? Where the ruddy Hell did you get your degree as a Social Scientist? Because if it’s the same place you learnt English, You may want to double-check their credentials.

Secondly, what rules? Last time I applied for a job, it was easy – I applied by sending a CV, went for an Interview, then hoped for the best. That’s more or less a three-step process, or a two-step process if you only count the ones that actually involve actual effort on your part.

by susan gray

In its time this store has been the back bone of the musicians and music lovers alike, the staff have been instrumental in creating and cultivating exciting events and concerts and must be kept open.Don’t let local independant record shops be pushed out by bigger shops just because its more financially viable! It shuts in February, don’t let that happen!

Clearly the locals think differently, otherwise they’d have shopped there more.

by adrian bonnington of home

Many people are using the British freedom of demonstration to riot and loot. Many of these people have no loyalty to Britain and show this by flying foreign flags. To stop liberty’s being taken I suggest that anyone flying a foreign flag should face breach of the peace charges.

Fuck right off, will you?

by martin shakespeare

The amount of serious homophobic bullying and abuse going on in our schools is out of order,

As a support member of stonewall I have heard the cases of young teens wanting to end their lives at such a young age due to the torment they get from other teens at school and teachers are not doing anything about this. The United nations has demanded something to be done about this issue last year.

its time for your government to protect these children and bring in tough messures to try and prevent this abuse going on

not only does it mentally scar them in later life but the effects on their education and well being is being is a serious issue and a call for action,

A noble suggestion, but short of giving every bully in the country a lobotomy there’s no way to actually stop bullying of any kind.

Or, basically, make England more like China.

by Tom Ryan

In winter daylight is short and if a school finishes at 3:15 there is no time for the pupils to go out and relax with peers. In the summer it sometimes get really hot and pupils get restless and can’t consentrate from 3 o’clock onwards. Signing this petition will give school pupils a more comfertable day in school.

The top signature aptly sums up my thoughts on this one. I also question the age of the petitioner, so this get classified under “Young, Dumb, And Online”.

by Richard Gale

As a hard working graduate professional I should be able to afford to purchase a single bedroom flat. Instead the influx of rich and lazy landlords have bought up every suitable property and caused the ridiculous rise in housing prices. We can use the current slump as a new start and reignite the housing market while giving less wealthy people a chance on the housing ladder. Stepping stones aren’t enough!

This just strikes me as silly.

by Simon W

To protect UK manufacturing jobs and the recession hit motor industry from complete collapse the Government must reduce the level of VAT on the sale of all new motor vehicles manufactured in the UK to 1%. This reduction must be fairly offered across the board to all vehicles regardless of engine size.

To avoid potential deflation while buyers wait for the reduction in the VAT payable the reduction must be backdated to January 1st 2009.

The reduction in the VAT burden on consumers is cheaper than paying for tens of thousands of people out of work claiming benefits and the collapse of the remaining manufacturing sector in the UK.

This reduction will demonstrate the Government is serious about protecting jobs and industry.

Where do you think that VAT goes to? The moon? The Government take that, and if they don’t have it they have less money to do… things!

by Robert Crisp

Hospital parking fees are nothing more then a tax on the sick. Many hospitals are situated out of town centres and the only way to reach them is by car. The parking fees are unnecessary and extortionately high in this economic climate. We urge the government to either lower hospital parking fees or scrap them completely.

I’ll misquote myself from an earlier post about stopping hospitals from charging fees for things:

Yeah! How dare the NHS use the revenue generated by these [parking fees] to pay for things like improving facilities, covering basic operation costs, and caring for… our… er… oh.

Admit it, Karl…

by karl Wheeler (rejected)

Woolworth’s is one of the last remaining retail trading stores is part of our British Culture.
It’s what good old Britain stood for.
What is happening to the country forget the banks forget the stock market it’s only people in jobs that keep the economy alive.
No Jobs = no one buying cars or houses or high street spending, enough is enough act now and sign this petition. I DON’T THINK ANYONE UNDERSTANDS THE DETRIMENTAL EFFECT THIS WILL HAVE ON SMALL TOWNS LOSING A KEY RETAIL PLAYER.
The impact on towns such as Leominster, Herefordshire how attractive will some of these towns be when its gone!!!

…you’ve been watching too much Heroes, haven’t you?

by Karl Bilby of The 28 Hour a day Party (rejected)

We at the 28hr day party herby petition the Prime Minister to enforce a 28 hour day with an immediate effect. The people of this fair isle require more sleep and ‘ rest time ‘. Maybe 24hrs in a day was fine in the 1950’s when commerce wasn’t as fast moving and demands so great. However ‘ times change ‘. Making this radical move will also help you. So help others and at the same time help yourself and they will help everyone help each other through times of help.

We await your response

The 28hr a day Party

So, either some kind of giant rockets to slow the Earth, or we ignore what time it is everywhere else and opt for 51.429 second minutes.

by Tom Davies (rejected)

More details cannot be shown

Yes, because who needs an economy?

by Leon Roy of none (rejected)

We as European Playstation Network users believe that we are being treated unfairly and dismissively compared to the US and Asia, in terms of PSN content and more specifically in the on-line application Playstation Home.

SCEE should be providing a better service in terms of content and additions to Playstation Home instead of adding items now and again, and charging us heavily for them. The US and ASIA versions of Home have much more locations at their disposal. SCEE has provided a substantial amount of broken promises, and let us down many a time.

All we ask, is that we receive our fair share of PSN content in and outside of Home, to rival that of our friends in the US and ASIA.

You could buy something good in the first place. Or you could buy the first thing you see and pester the PM to fix it.

by Nicola May (rejected)

The head of the Childrens Oxford Dictionary has decided that words like:nun, christian ,vicar,pew,bishop,monk,aisle, carol are no longer required in the book.The reason was that people don’t go to church as much. This is not acceptable and believe that all children should have the right to learn. Learning should not be about whether people attend church or not. Please sign if you want these words back in. Thank you

I agree, and furthermore, just because children don’t go to particle physics laboratories much, why should the Children’s Oxford Dictionary exclude the words proton, lepton, neutrino or cyclotron? I think kids would like the word ‘cyclotron’. It’s awesome.

by Mathew Simkin (rejected)

We would like to see civil service brought back for all 18 year olds, as we belive this would teach the younger more respect, and make them more civilised in the community. It will also make them more disciplined and make them morally stronger within the community.
So we believe all teenagers, except those with disabilities, should be made to join the Raf, Army, or Navy when they leave school.

I’m not sharing this so much for the dumb idea, but for the confused terminology: nobody is an 18 year old “until they are 21″ and 20 year olds are not teenagers. (And personally, making me angry and training me to kill would probably not increase my usefulness to society.)

by James Riley (rejected)

The resolution of the current financial crisis and our future competitiveness as an economic power rely on society being more of a meritocracy, rewarding those who put the most in to our society.

Hang on, Gordon Brown is specifically failing single people? (There’s a David Blunkett joke in here somewhere.)

by John Kelly (rejected)

All elections to have an entry added that says “none of the above”. This would allow those of us disillusioned by our choices of representatives to vote clearly and explicitly.

When we do not want to vote for one party we do not need to vote for “the other party” to express the negative, instead we can vote for “none of the above” meaning that we don’t like any of the options better than none.

While proportional representation has some democratic merits it tends to favour stagnation over change. If we feel there is no need for change we can vote for “none of the above”.

The proposal is that those who vote but choose “none of the above” can be counted as well as those who choose not to vote and these figures can be shown along side the highest votes thereby showing just how popular or unpopular the elected person is.

This should mean that any would-be-politicians need to come up with suggestions, words and/or promises that are more believable than “none of the above”. This changes the emphasis from the voter being to blame for not voting to the politician needing more popular policies.

I’m not really against the idea of adding an abstention option to the ballot, but if you think there’s no need for change then vote for the incumbent!

by Chris Gaynor

It seems there is no courtesy these days when people apply for jobs and do not get a response back. It does not take five seconds to write a standard letter back to the person and tell them yes or no – without the applicant having to wait ages just to get a response.

Chris Gaynor just can’t handle rejection.

John Farrow doesn’t like doing maths.

by k parvez

I and others find as commuters we are regularly having to stand up and travel on trains due to insufficient seat availbility. The train companies do not seem to be doing anything about it. We would like the train companies not to be able to charge more than one third of the normal fare for standing passengers that are being ripped off from high fares and unable to travel in comfort on the trains.

K Parvez doesn’t understand how booking a ticket on a train works. Look, K, buying a ticket isn’t a promise that you’re going to get a seat. There’s usually no seat reservation, no reserved place for you to sit. You get on, and if you get to sit down you’re lucky. Stop moaning.

It’s my turn to have a look-see through the rejected petitions, and… wow.

by Mark Graham (rejected)

This is a serious petition and not intended to be humorous. Life should mean life for all murderers, rapists, paedophiles etc. I propose however that televised gladiatorial matches should be created for the prisoners to fight in. For every victory they earn 1 day off their sentence. The victim/victims family get to choose how the loser is punished. Proceeds from the matches go to victim support, hospitals, education and science only.

This seems, more or less, to be a combination of the plots from Gladiator and The Running Man.

by Hugh Morgan (rejected)

We feel that this country has gone OTT in its attitude to smoking. We have accepted the smoking ban in public places with very little problems – probably because as a group we have great consideration for others. But how much further is this persecution going to go – will it be soon any films showing people smoking will not be allowed to be screened on TV. Will non-smokers not be allowed to see great films such as the Guns of Navarone.

…What?

by Andrew Taylor (rejected)

To reveal the identity of The Stig (as seen on TV show Top Gear). The identity of idols should not be concealed.

I think it’d be a better idea to ask the Prime Minister to tell us what’s really happening on “Lost”. And, uh, this petition probably wasn’t posted by our own Andrew. Probably.

by Laura (rejected)

More details cannot be shown

Baby P? Are people still talking about that?

by Ben (rejected)

I believe it’s about time we had Wrestlemania in the UK or ATLEAST a PPV, over the last few years the popularity of WWE in the UK has soared recently announcing record attendance and profit for their UK tour. I think they could start giving us something more though. We need to start a petition to get their attention to show that we actually want it here. The last mania brought a record $50 million us dollars to their economy

Did it? How wonderful!

by J Keeney-Wilson

Government should have abolished this tax in 1997, nevertheless it makes excuses for not doing so now, such as the recent reduction in Oil prices. In fact they’ve also used the reduction of VAT as an excuse for increasing fuel duty by 2p (which they said in November they’d forego). Mindful of their failures to control spending however, rationing tax reductions is the least they can do. Since the DVLA holds all records of private cars then they could easily issue a ration book or ’smart card’ (by recorded delivery) so that individuals could get at least 1500 litres of fuel each year without paying this extra tax. It will also encourage people to replace ‘gas guzzlers’ with more economic vehicles, in order to make the fuel go further. This would be in keeping with the tax incentive for CO2 emmissions which also should have been in place for decades. The real problems with CO2 is that manufacturers have failed to use new technology to deliver Hydrogen cars sooner because they say Government didn’t incentivise this. They should have done it themselves as a moral duty under the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Maybe the reason we’re not using Hydrogen-powered cars yet is because the concept is a farce.

This is new to me: people using the petition site to spam:

by GERRY LAFFY of The Big As A Skyscraper Art Club (rejected)

ART THERAPY equals SELF ESTEEM.
Presently I am seeking funding to be able to offer my art classes to people with learning difficulties. I would like to be able to pay for a venue, support workers, user transport, and my time to be able to offer free classes to centres for people with special needs. I have a venue that I could use, but need some funding to set it up.Presently I am working at Centre 404 in Camden Road in Holloway with several groups; children, teens and adults with learning difficulties,I would like to able to expand my operation. I have worked previously at the Camden Society and the City Lit. The value of art and music therapy is of tremendous use to individuals in assisting them with communication skills, the expression of emotions and as a way of developing teamwork, motor skills, eye hand co-ordination and ultimately self-esteem. I have designed a series of fun, easy participation art classes. I am open to any suggestion that you may be able to offer to raise funding for this very worthwhile venture.Yours sincerely GERRY LAFFY 07986-376844
gtheartist84@hotmail.com

I mean, really I ought to obscure his email address so that spam crawler bots can’t find it. But instead of that I think I’m going to repeat it in the form of a link in case they don’t spot it. Fair, after all, is fair. To that end, I WOULD LOVE TO PURCHASE A GENUINE DIPLOMA AND SOME PILLS THAT WILL EXPAND MY PENIS. Oh, this makes me angry. It just makes me want to kill Greeks.

by Dave (rejected)

the greeks have been totally pining for a war with the UK- behaving arrogantly, being disruptive in the EU… the list goes on. I suggest that Gordon Brown declares war on Greece to show them the consequences of messing with the UK.

But wars are expensive. If we want to raise the capital to raze a capital, we’d better reject this petition:

by Bimal (rejected)

Government tax us too much, they take advantage of the fact they have all this money and so as a way of paying back all taxes to be reduce to 1% or less. We deserve to treated fairly.

So essentially, ‘ban public services’.

by Mrs Frances Crisp of University of Brighton (rejected)

Unwanted faxes offering goods and services that continually come through on fax machines waste time and paper when industry is trying to cut costs. Unnecessary wastage of paper and fax machine use in environmentally unfriendly, wasting resources and adding to glabal warming.

Maybe you shouldn’t own a machine that’s the same as email except that you can’t copy-paste it, it takes longer, it requires it’s own unit and phone line, and it prints automatically because it has no screen. Ban marketing faxes? Ban faxes outright would be more sensible.

I’m not against the idea here, but personally, I’d have picked a deadline in April some time.

by James (rejected)

We believe that no two murders are the same, and cannot be classed under one offence. We believe in degrees of murder reflecting the severity of the offence. We also believe that the death penalty must be reintroduced ASAP for first-degree murder, as it is a complete nonsense to keep people in jail for "life" for such heinous crimes.

This is pretty vague, but really I share it for the Epic URL Fail.

by POLLY SOUTH of NHS CHANGE (rejected)

This is the peoples petition, since people are the true directors of the NHS, and change can only come through them. By exposing our stories and concerns we can hope for true reformation of this system once and for all. Please sign this petition to let The Goverment know that the people want to run their own healthcare service, and care deeply for it.

Thank you.

Official Government Response (really):

Please rewrite your petition specifying in what way you would like the NHS to be changed.

Haha. There’s sometimes no response but patronising, is there?

by Neil Hyde (rejected)

To base national policy on politicised opinions from the IPCC is folly.
CO2 is an essential trace gas for human existence , not a pollutant.
As is being proved by the continual increase in CO2 levels, whilst temerature levels decrease, there is no relation between the two.
Couple this with the discredited "Hockey stick" in all its incarnations , the truth about the true aim of so called environmental policies is being exposed as taxation , nothing else.

Oh, fuck right off. Just because something is essential doesn’t mean it can’t also be a pollutant. You’d die if you ate no calories. Oxygen is toxic. It’s just a good job nobody does anything about these petitions.

by Thomas Rudge (rejected)

Thousands of e-petitons are signed on this database. Do you think the government takes notice of them? Probably not. Legitimate and successful e-petitions should be voted on prior to the budget and then brought in as a government action and made law.

Like I say, it’s a good job nobody does anything about these petitions.

by Brian Windsor

As the Olympics in London will produce a frenzy of loyalty to Great Britain, do you think it might be appropriate to have a major publicity campaign pointing out the correct way to fly the Union Jack?

The flag can often be seen being waved by hundreds of children at various televised events, many of which are up-side down which is an insult to the Crown!

As the majority of these flags are probably imported, perhaps we should also stop any imports at the border and send them back with a polite messgae pointing out the error!!

I am sure other countries in the world have more respect for their flags than we do and would probably scream if their’s were flown up-side down – we should educate our children to know the difference and have some respect for our Union Jack and our great country

See? It’s not just America that has insanely over-patriotic nutjobs.

by Venkat Ramana

Current UK Unemployment levels are 12 year high. There should be a limit or temporary hold on Tier 1 ( General ) Work permits approvals. The job market is struggling and lot of people are looking for work. Is there a point bringing an immigrant and offering them a job ? The Tier 1 Application approval time is currently 3 weeks which is forcing lot of people around the globe to come to UK and work. Why the Home office is not doing anything to control immgiration ? Do they really want the immigrants or the £ 750 fee they charge to the applicants. Hence we strongly believe there should be a Temporary hold on Tier 1 approvals.

In order to attain a “Highly Skilled” Work Visa, the company hiring you has to prove that they cannot find someone with equal or greater skill already living legally within the UK. What you’re really asking for here is “Give jobs to less qualified British people, because I’ll be damned if I’ll let an Furner come in here and tell me what to do.”

by Angela Druce
Many disabled people accrue a lot of money over the years they have spent living within residential care. Upon their death the money goes to the next of kin. This money should go back into the system where it came from initially as opposed to relatives who may never have even seen the person benefitting

There are a number of problems with this petition, ranging from “Doesn’t the disabled person living in residential care get a say in this?” to “What exactly is ‘the system’?”

by Alexandra Sutton

I am well aware that this country operates under a representative democracy, but believe it is hardly necessary to abolish all hereditary peers from the House of Lords and in doing so, destroy a tradition and a value that predates anyone who suggests it is worthless. Birth right is something that cannot be avoided, and are a quintessential part of this nation. Please do not so easily brush away those who have dedicated their lives to this country, just because they happened to be born into a ranking family. The executive and the Commons monopolize the power anyway, they do not need to create a duplicate House. Peerage is about duty, and it is well served.

I love that Alexandra Sutton’s first argument is essentially, “The idea of Hereditary Peers is older than the people who say it is stupid.” It’s like she’s playing Political Top Trumps.

by elaine glover

all parents make mistakes.i petition the prime minister for parents to be given another chance,and dont let the social services put a mark against your family for life.

Y’know what? I have a feeling this scheme would go down just swimmingly.

by Hannah Rich

We feel that the government should strongly consider following the example of the French government in passing legislation prohibiting websites which promote anorexia and/or bulimia as a lifestyle choice, and imposing fines or jail sentences on website owners. We believe it should be a criminal offence to encourage young people that their eating disorder is not an illness but an acceptable way of life. Although the media cannot be held fully responsible for most cases of eating disorders, we also believe that the treatment of these conditions in the press, television and other media forms should be censored so as not to promote them in anyway, and should be covered by legislation to that effect. The influence the fashion industry and related media with regards to eating disorders, has been well publicised. However, we feel strongly that the government of this country should seriously consider the impact that the media, websites in particular, can have on sufferers, or potential sufferers, of eating disorders.

What’s with the increase in people wanting the Government to Police the internet in this manner? When did people decide that control of the Internet was in the hands of one small damp little island?

by Rob Horsley

In secondary schools in the UK, all GCSE students are required to take mathematics, even though the majority of students find maths hard and do not pass in the subject.

People are bad at maths. The solution is to teach maths less. (I worked it out with maths.)

Challenge: name someone who doesn’t like fast movement:

by James May

There were a few cases where respectively overweight children suffered strokes and other fatal injuries after running the bleep test in their school. The bleep test should be banned in the U.K.! Stick to good ol’ fashioned aerobic exercises such as running, jogging but also Sports in schools. Basically all school children don’t enjoy the bleep test and if you are unfamiliar with the test, it is a test of fitness.

One has to run from Point A to Point B which is 20m away. An audio tape bleeps and when that occurs, you are supposed to be at the other Point. If you fail to be there 3 times, the test is over for you. There are different levels and how frequently it bleeps is increased.

This is a gruelling, unneeded, idiotic test which is used to torture all children. The idea off banning the bleep test has been though of in America and is banned in some schools over there. We Britons should ban it and save the children. We don’t want them to be put off by fitness!

I rest my case!

Anonymous

Did you get it?

by A. Fennelly

Most people, even non-smokers, do not like the smoking ban. I am a non-smoker and even I can see that it was a stupid idea in the first place.

Pubs are made for smoking and drinking &c. but now the smokers have to go outside into the cold, so of course the non-smokers have to follow them or have no conversation for a while, so everyone end up outside. It’s the same in hotels &c. They should at least have the right to choose to ban it or have a non-smoking room.

Even more stupid is that people can’t even smoke in their own cars or vans if they are considered a “workplace”.

That is why we the undersigned believe the smoking ban should be repealed entirely.

Also, if this petition gets enough signatures we the undersigned woud like a real answer, not just the usual piffle trying to defend this rediculous law.

So, you want barstaff to have to put up with your poisonous exhalations so that you can indulge your addiction to a toxic drug, yes? Fuck right off.

by Tabitha Spence

I think this is very important because of all the rather large children that you see today, I also think that it should be free because that would be even appealing to children and adults alike.
Its important to target kids because these lessons will stick in their heads for a life time and can be passed down to the next generation!

If it is compulsory, it is not an ‘after school activity’. It is ’school’. What you are suggesting is called PE lessons and it already exists. And it’s a waste of time. Requiring uninterested students to practice a sport they don’t enjoy for an hour a week is just going to piss them off. They won’t get exercise, which I assume the point of this is; they’ll just stand there and get cold. Then go for fish and chips.

Hey, look who’s back! It’s Teresa Wright, who has taken a break from proselytising to stop an even more odious threat: that of a New World Order government. I know what you’re thinking: “Is this scheme to establish a New World Order in fact a reality?” Well, she addresses that:

by Teresa Wright of Witness of Jesus Christ (rejected)

Is this scheme to establish a New World Order in fact a reality? Yes it is. If you do not believe this I encourage you to study the United Nations documents and also the treaties which, once ratified by individual nations, become INTERNATIONAL LAW. The United Nations created the Commission for Global Governance, if you don’t believe this, visit the United Nations website and look it up.

The Commission for Global Governance released a report: Our Global Neighbourhood, that predicates a world court, a global tax, and global police force. And the U.S. State Department Publication 7277 outlines a one world police force under the United Nations. So many prominent world leaders are calling for a one world government the intention is obvious. Yet most people are so occupied by life’s responsibilities, careers, sports and television, they have little time to study what’s going on in the corridors of power.

Yes, that’s coming across.

by Sundeep Kakar of Manchester Airport

With the ever-increasing terrorist threat to our country, direct action groups such as Plane Stupid endager the lives of the flying public and aviation workers by disrupting our airports and attempting to access restricted areas. As well as creating delays, it puts a strain on airport police patrols, thus leaving them unable to respond should a real terrorist attempt to strike at a UK airport. As a law forbids protest within one mile of Parliament, we who work at airports would like a similar law introduced to forbid anyone trying to disrupt the operations of a UK airport.

Alright, look. The disruption thing I’ll grant you (although equally, that is kind of the point). But the reason that peaceful environmental protests strain the police is that the police invariably respond in a preposterously overblown show of force. And the reason that these protests raise security concerns is because they show that terrorists could get into the airport, not that they enable them to. Raising the concerns can only help stop people breaking in. (Although what a terrorist would accomplish by breaking into a part of an airport which is basically a giant road I don’t really know.) Basically, what you want is added protections against having a bit of a rough day at work. Yes?

by steven glover of parents voice (rejected)

WE,AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ARE NOT BEING LISTENED TO BY THE SOCIAL SERVICES.WE ASK QUESTIONS AND ARE TOLD NOTHING.OUR VIEWS DO NOT COUNT WHEN MAKING DECISIONS BY THEM.ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS YOU CAN NOT GET A ANSWER OFF THEM.THIS IS WHY THERE IS MISSFEELINGS WITH SOCIAL SERVICES.THE PARENTS WANT A VOICE AS WELL.PARENTS FEEL LET DOWN BY THEM.I AM SETTING UP A ORGANIZATION CALLED PARENTS NEED ANSWERS.WHICH I EXPECT THOUSANDS TO JOIN TO BE HEARD

Is that how you talk to them? If so, that might be the problem.

by andy (rejected)

to ban all football players from spitting while playing sport on the field this is not only disgusting but makes our younger children think that if they see any spoprts players spit on the pitch they too can do it, we the general public would be fined if we was to be caught spitting so ban all sports players from spitting no matter what the sport

If the government’s job is to enforce citizens’ standards of decency, then I for one would like to ban your typing. Also this:

by robert doyle (rejected)

there are some mental pictures we just don’t want forcing on us.

Come on, someone must have a good idea.

by RAUL PHOENIX of SKYDIVERS SAFETY ASSOSSIATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF EUROPE (rejected)

I HAVE A SERIOUS THOUGHT, ABOUT SKYDIVING IF ONE WERE TO DO A STATIC SKYDIVE THEN THEIR LIFE WOULD BE IN THE HANDS OF THE SKYDIVING COORDINATORS, MY PARACHUTE PULLER WOULD BE ATTACHED TO THE PLANE AND I WOULD HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MY PARACHUTE SO IF SOMETHING WENT WRONG AT LEAST I COULD LAND ON SOMETHING SOFT IF THERE WERE MORE HAYSTACKS AND SOFT STUFF, THIS IS THE CASE WITH ANY SORT OF SKYDIVE AND ANY ONE ACCIDENTALY FALLING OFF A PLANE AND SUCH SO I PROPOSE YOU PUT MORE SOFT ITEMS SUCH AS HAYBALES, PILLOWS, LARGE SWIMMING POOLS, PUT AROUND THE COUNTRYSIDE.

Er, okay.

by Harry Chalet of Bryn (rejected)

petition for everyone to enjoy a nice kebab every wednesday

That’s a much better idea.

by Gary Wong

Bankrupt Britain trending toward hyperinflation!
We urge our Prime minister to ‘Stop and Think’ about his fiscal stimulus policy and consider limiting our national debt. Sterling has lost 33% of its value over the last few months. We urge Gordon Brown to consider the potential consequence of stagflation and hyperinflation in years to come.

I like to imagine that he did stop and think about it. Unless it means something else when it’s in inverted commas. I suppose your complaint is really either that he hasn’t fixed it overnight or that he hasn’t done precisely what you would have done.

by Barbara Ross of Harmony Care Markets (rejected)

We the undersigned seek more wages to live on. We don’t want benefits. We want real wages for real work. Not only the fat cats need money. They need to pay more wages.If we all have more wages then we will have more to spend and so improve the economy. Professional pay for professional work would also be very nice. A cleaner earns more than many qualified workers. KEYNESIAN ECONOMICS WORKED. IF PEOPLE HAD BETTER WAGES THEN THERE WOULD BE LESS NEED TO BORROW. Barbara Ross – Social Scientist – HARMONY

And, er, how is that going to be enforced, then? Are you aware that the private sector exists? Are you aware that the government runs at a loss?

It’s beginning to look like the public are, by and large, a pack of uninformed morons, who haven’t got the time or inclination to actually research the issues and don’t even know that there is a whole bunch of stuff that they should know if they want to make a meaningful decision about policy because they take their opinions from propaganda rags and each other. So they think that whenever the government don’t do what the raging tabloid mob want that they’re somehow not being represented.

by Phil Faber of SAFARI

A democracy is a political system in which the supreme power lies in a body of citizens who elect people to represent (not control) them. But the problem we have is that the citizens have little control over what the Government actually does once elected. We vote in a party instead of specific policies. We therefore call on the Government to make it easier for the people who vote them in, to have a say in the policies their Government should follow.

As far as SAFARI is concerned, we can then finally address the policies necessary to assist those falsely accused of committing crimes.

Of course, the Government doesn’t have to do as we ask in this ePetition (and thereby lies the problem within our system!) but we hope they will do so.

No, that would be Mob Rule. SAFARI is a good name for your made-up group.

Tags:

http://daftpetitions.blogspot.com/

How very dare they?

I want it on the record that we were here first. Honestly, someone should do something about this flagrant blog-idea theft! If only there was some kind of all-purpose ombudsman figure who could be asked to do anything I want.

by Kristian Penzer

Kidderminster hospital should stay open to benefit patients as they can listen to radio whilst they are in hospital for treatment.They can also help with work experience for people who are interested in becoming radio presenters

by P.Crowhurst (rejected)

Woolworths is a large part of our recent heritage. There is a Woolworths in practically every town and it is on the High Streets.
Without Woolworths our High Streets will be depleted even more.
The cost in unemployment including suppliers and transport will be immense.

by Ronnie Madden (rejected)

Miss V Madden
50, Moor End Lane
Birmingham

29th November 2008

Dear Mr Brown,

When my niece was a little girl attending nursery I had the pleasure of collecting her and her brother from school, cooking their tea, and looking after them until their parents returned home from work.

During these hours we would often receive ‘phone calls from Tony Blair or yourself, asking for advice on how to run the country, the correct amount of sugar for an apple pie, etc.

I read with amusement the stories in the papers of you calling members of the general public, and thought how wonderful it would be if you actually did ring Alex.

Being now a world weary seven year old, Father Christmas is on the brink of becoming a grown-up deception, only for the gullible. A call from the primeminister may be just the reassurance she needs.

The Dingley family are usually at home after five-thirty during the week, and at home all day on Sunday. If you would like I can give you their ‘phone number.

Yours faithfully,

Auntie Jane.

by luke goodman of Filling clerk (rejected)

Lets brig back the TV show Rboat wars

by Georgia Marcou (rejected)

More details cannot be shown

by carlo susio of pensioner

abolish residantial tax by adding cost to general regional consumer, public and private business (power,transport,cars,food,cloth,etc.)that will help deeply the comunity.the same system is used in many u.s states and it works.

And then everyone complains that stuff isn’t as cheap as it used to be and discussions moves to how the Government are taxing us to death instead of the Council.

by Ryan James Whelan of CWCS

Three Day Weekend for schools and universitys

Considering you can’t seem to spell “Universities” properly, I think the last thing you need is an extra day off school a week.

by Will Macdonald

In the U.K public fear mounts as reports escalate around Britain’s Gun and Knife Culture.

Often, where youths have been raised in deprived areas, often have never had any sense of authority instilled within them, often heralding from broken families, or families which have drug, or alcohol abuse. In such cases, these youths have never been shown what an adult can offer, but may rather than been shown a resentment of Britain’s Policing, or worse still, abuse in many forms from those who are supposed to protect them. Continual run-ins with the police escalate and prison may ensue, but this leads to a new generation who become desensitised to authority.

We the undersigned propose that a period of National Service would:

a) Provide the offenders with a sense or respect for authority. b) Relieve some strain on our prisons c) Instill in offenders a loyalty to each other and their country d) Develop men and women of purpose with skills rather than ‘ex-cons’

I do not want people with a known history of violent behaviour holding guns. Maybe that’s just me.

by Roger Hutchinson

We are calling on the Government to renew the debate on whether to adopt a system which would mean lighter evenings throughout the year.

Double Summer Time (DST), if introduced, would mean that the clocks would be set 1 hour ahead of Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) during the winter and 2 hours ahead in the summer – with the result of lighter evenings but darker mornings.

Possible benefits of DST for the country to be consider include:

* Reduction in road accidents, particularly concerning children coming home from school. * Increased revenue for tourism * Reduced energy consumption * Increased participation in outdoor activities * Improved wellbeing

Changing the system of timekeeping could bring substantial benefits and we believe that the Government should allow a proper debate in Parliament in order that the issues can be looked at in full detail with a view to a change taking place at the earliest opportunity.


 

by NIAZ HUSSAIN

When one tries to create a group on facebook, the first message made visible is: Note: groups that attack a specific person or group of people (e.g. racist, sexist or other hate groups) will not be tolerated. Creating such a group will result in the immediate termination of your Facebook account.

Yet there are hundreds of religious hate groups all over facebook and they are fully aware of all of them.

We have tried emailing abuse@facebook.com as well as privacy@facebook.com and NOTHING is done, not even a reply is given.

THOUSANDS of complaints have been made about these hate groups, yet they are still functioning, with NO response to members who complained. We demand that the UK prime minister ask Facebook to practice what it preaches, without discrimination – and terminate these groups and members who insult, offend, abuse and hurt innocent users.

Ugh. Just… just ugh.

by Ian Moseley

News reports indicate that a number of the former Woolworth Stores have no commercial purchasers.

The Government should arrange the purchase of those premises and provide them at low rents to community organisations such as Credit Unions, Housing Associations, and third sector businesses

On principle, this doesn’t sound like an awful idea. The problem is that you’re asking the Government to buy a bunch of empty stores and rent them out at a time when the Government can’t really afford to be buying a bunch of empty stores no one has so far had an interest in. There’s too much risk involved – if no one’s buying them, very few organisations will be interested in renting them. What’s more, isn’t this really something that local councils should be doing?

by Emma Wade of .

As women, we are all punished by having periods… why the hell should we have to spend £3-£4 a time to buy a supply of pads or tampons?? Men dont have this problem… therefore save themselves loads of money!

i feel we should get these prosducts free. we cant choose whether to have a period or not… why should we be charged!!

Yeah!! We men don’t have to buy sanitary pads or tampons at all! We save loads of money, which we can put towards the cost of condoms!! Also, why is Emma Wade double-punctuating her sentences??

by .k.Johns of private

To make it unlawful for any website, or other area of the internet to contain any offensive matter or subject, or to contain any pornographic material, or promoting or describing methods of, acts of suicide, internet bullying, or methods of humiliaion, or containing foul language, or any matter considered offensive by any individual, or content considered to be libelous.

I find this petition offensive. Let’s shut down the ePetitions website and ban .k.Johns from the web forever!

by Robin McKenzie

In order to curb prisoner numbers send all criminals who have committed minor crimes to the British Forces. This will offer criminals a chance to repay the nation, offer criminals new skills and discipline and most of all increase numbers for the British Forces.

I’ve seen at least one petition like this before. It’s a silly idea. Stop it.

There are exactly 100 petitions in the feed since the last update, so let’s pretend they’re representative and call them ‘percent’. First of all, 17% were rejected, including this one, which claims not to be a joke:

by Douglas Stokes of frag.co.uk (rejected)

We seriously believe that the public’s perception of bendy buses could be changed to a more positive one if the buses were to make accordian noises as they cornered. They would make cities a more cheerful place to live and work and attract tourists in their thousands.

This is not a humourous petition, we seriously think the government should consider this ideal policy during these bleak and depressing times to increase happiness and tourism.

Yeah, that’ll help.

1% of all petitions are presumably submitted by people who are tired of seeing dismembered corpses while masturbating:

by Elizabeth (rejected)

In the wake of a high profile murder trial and the admission of a murderer to a murder in England. Certain newspapers have choosen to report and display pictures of the victims next to or opposite photographs of models designed to be sexually provocative.

One tabloid newspaper even advertised on the same page as the model that the murderer had committed 106 sex crimes.

This could be seen as degrading to victims of crime. Whilst encouraging the report of the crime to be looked on in a sexually explicit way.

1% of all petitions are just attempts to have the government do market research:

by Craig (rejected)

I am on a mission to build an indoor bike park like rays indoor bike park. but in england!
it will be built in watford/croxley

i need your petitions so that it shows that the site will not be a awaste of time and people will enjoy it.

1% of all petitions want to have their cake and eat it:

by Francis phillips (rejected)

This money is urgently needed – Manchester’s transport is very poor, and saying you will only provide funding to improve the situation if a congestion charge is introduced amounts to blackmail. The best way to reduce congestion would be to improve public transport, and make it a viable alternative to the car, NOT a congestion charge!

1% of all petitions are threats which make no sense:

by DUDE of roots (rejected)

give back to the people a labour party that belongs to the people that made it labour means just that a party that looks after the working class not a second class tory middle blue collar vote salary orientated extortionists.who made you? not the pretenters but the workers who built this party by giving there lives go back to the roots,or you will loose

1% of all petitioners just love to be taxed. (An internet page, you say? Check and surely mate.)

1% of all petitioners believe that something being British is better than something being good, 1% of all petitioners Want To Watch The Football For Free, 1% of all petitions are unclear on what they want, and a further 1% hates them for their choice of terminology:

by Daniel Robbins

I say we should protect the British people from muslim extremism, we have a right to choose which faith we belong to, we need protection from certain individuals who wish to step over our rights, protect British heritage, protect our people and protect our freedoms.

by Michelle Moshelian (rejected)

How can the government expect to defeat terrorism when it is too scared to call terrorists ‘terrorists’ and instead favours terms such as ‘militants’, ‘extremists’, ‘insurgents’ or ‘radicals’?

The time has come to stop being afraid of offending certain people by using the term ‘terrorists’ when it is appropriate and instead show a strong firm stance to address the problem.

The need to be consistent is particularly important – stop being afraid to label Palestinian terrorists as such.

The war on terror is a noble cause. Please dont denigrate it by being politically correct – such a concession to terrorism does not help the fight.

And lastly, 3% of the petitions are asking for the same thing:

by Stewart henderson (rejected)

Royal Mail is a great British institution, and should be kept totally within the public service

by colin (rejected)

Royal mail is now making money, so dont sell it off to private for profit while losing 50,000 jobs in the process, keep royal mail ,keep the profits and keep the jobs, it just makes sense

by Fred Crook (rejected)

The Royal Mail is a uniquely British Institution, of which, we the citizens of the United Kingdom are proud. Neither all or part should be sold off to a Postal Organisation or Business in Europe or any other part of the World.

That makes 13% of all petitions that need mocking (unless I’ve missed some, which seems inevitable), plus 1% of petitions which are ironic because of the author’s name:

by s hussain

Since 2000 Israel has killed and wounded over 100,000 people and displaced many thousands by direct eviction (creating the Israeli Wall) or indirectly by sanctioning other Jewish elements (settlers) to take land forcefully. We are asking the British Government to live up to it’s promises on Human rights and stop the Israeli government by all it’s means (which so far have gone on deaf Ears) so Boycott is the only option left. Please all those with a moral conscience to protect human life sign this partition so that our government will do something.

You’re hardly one to talk.

Actually, that is pretty representative.

by Trina Tanner

I feel that the alcohol aisles in supermarkets should be hidden away. Non-drinkers and recovering alcoholics find these ailses are a real problem when we go shopping, in my local store there are 4 of them and in the summer the seasonal aisle also becomes full of it also. Alcohol is a awful drug and causes to many problems in our communities, costs the nhs a lot of money and ruins lives. Also if the goverment can force or pass a ruling to hide cigarrettes under the counter in shops and supermarkets why not alcohol.

We’ll just throw a blanket over the booze aisles. No one will find them then.

by Joanna Strickson

We ask the prime minister to change the way the law is written for household pets. Outdoor pets that are attacked by dogs do not have the same rights as livestock. Dog Owners can get away with having dangerous dogs attacking pets in people’s own back gardens because these animals under the current law means nothing. The Dog Owner would only face charges if the dog attacked a person. This is unfair and the dogs that attack these helpless creatures in their cages or in their runs get returned to their owners for their owners to allow them back out coursing devestation once again. These dogs should be destroyed once they have tasted blood then they are killers.

A rather neat idea until you remember that certain residential zones don’t allow you to keep livestock.

by Vaughn Burns

premier league matches should be shown live on BBC1, BBC2, ITV1, CH4 or Five so that less unfortunate football fans who cannot afford the disgusting prices to attend matches or pay to watch it on sky sports/setanta sports can watch it

Bugger off.

by F.E.Sharpe of Individual

Please vote to keep the conventional british 100-watt light bulb

Oh, come on. If you’re going to write an utterly stupid petition, at least have the decency to back up your ridiculous request with some kind of reasoning.

I’m not even going to bother with a commentary to this petition – the two “signees” have provided it for us.

by Maxwell field

currently the queen recives £36,7000,000 a year tax. this is not nearly enough to maintain all of her estates. A quote from an internet page says “Calling Queen Elizabeth II as the richest royal across the globe is a passé. The list is updated by Forbes. To your much astonishment, Queen is worth $600 million that clearly puts her on eleventh position in the list of top-15 monarchs identified.” yet she is the monarch of the most people! i would petition to raise the tax from 61 pence per person to £20 per person giving her a well overdue wage increase from £36,700,000 pounds a year to £1,219,500,000 (1.2bn a year)putting her back on track to true greatness. all the top ten richest monachs have more than 1bn pounds reserve so why shouldn’t our great queen?

you have allowed a petition on the same topic as this I just give figures why is this not approprate? isnt it the executives job too increase or decrease her majesty’s finance?

by Miss R MacLeod (rejected)

Woolworths has been a household name for 100 years, it is a part of us, our parents, Grand parents and great grand parents. Woolworths has been on our high street supplying the citizens of Britain for 100 years with everything they need for their household. It is where most start their working career as a saturday worker whilst at school and we feel that the government should help us keep it that way for the next generation. Please lets not add to the unemployment crisis by leaving thousands of Woolworths workers jobless, lets keep Woolies British!

by Paul Robinson (rejected)

Woolworths have today gone into administration, 30,000 people could and most likely will loose there jobs. Can the government not assist this company and its employees? 30,000 people unemployed overnight with no help from the government is unacceptable.

by sonya (rejected)

please fight to keep woolworths open

by Paul Yeomans

tell the government to intervene and save this british institution and help save it’s 820 stores and 30000 staff

My question is this: where were all these people when Woolworths were open and sales were flagging?

Things the government is not in charge of:

  1. The X Factor
  2. Xbox Live Arcade
  3. TV theme music
by Edward Stanley (rejected)

This year’s X Factor winner will release a cover version of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’.

This song is art, it’s history and it is special to a lot of people. We heard the best version in 1994 by Jeff Buckley who has since passed away.

Letting this year’s winner release another cover of this song would be deeply inappropriate, disrespectful, and I for one strongly doubt they can do the song any justice.

So, please sign this petition to prevent yet another cheap commercial song from being released!

by Peter Clifton of Schtoopl (rejected)

chu chu rocket was freakin don so we want another one innit, and this time we wanna pay 3.50 for it and play it on our hd tvs,
SORT IT OUT BROWN

by Neil Medlock (rejected)

When the BBC had the F1 coverage last they used "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac as the theme for the theme of their coverage of the F1 racing.

Bring it back, stick with tradition.

And here is an unrelated one that might stand to be rephrased: We the Undersigned, petition the Prime Minister to

by L B Lawry (rejected)

Incapacity tests make no allowances for heart problems. this was even said by tribunal panel who upheld decision to stop benefit to a 63 year man with heart failure

Er, sure, if you want.

Also worthy of note is this one, which I’m pretty sure is a joke.

We had something of a bumper crop lately. After a period of silence on the accepted petitions feed, about 200 appeared at once. Roughly 150 of them were as dumb as coleslaw, so here are 18 of the least practical.

Listen carefully:

by Thomas Whittaker

A substantial amount, estimated at 200,000 tons, of recyclable rubbish is destroyed rather than recycled.

Until this amount rises, which it is unlikely to do in a recession when prices paid for recycled goods are lowering, people should be given a general bin which they can dump a certain amount of their waste, dependent on how much rubbish the council burns rather than recycles.

This could also be tied to times when people are especially busy, such as allowing people to dump all their rubbish unrecycled for a week around the beginning of their work year.

Got that? Good.

by Mr Dobson

The government would like to decomission analogue FM radio within ten years, in favour of DAB radio. Notwithstanding that geographical coverage of DAB will have increased by this time, FM will still provide a necessary and perfectly adequate function.

If that’s your attitude, why not ban radio? After all, books still work.

This one should be read in as posh a voice as you can do, to maximise the righteous indignation of Pippa’s crusade to see that she can continue to watch her favourite sport (which is therefore everyone else’s favourite sport) for free:

by Pippa Cuckson

Ten years ago the BBC covered 79 days of horseracing; this year it’s 27; by 2010 it will be only 14 unless the BBC can be reminded of its obligations as a public service broadcaster and scraps plans for emasculating its reportage of a sport which appeals to the widest demographic of all. The consequences go well beyond the leisure preferences of the six million TV licence payers that annually visit racecourses. By cherry picking the dual purpose “social” events such as the Derby, Royal Ascot and the Grand National (which attracted viewing figures of 10 million this time) the BBC is reckless as to the future of the supporting tier. Any reduction in terrestrial exposure will hasten the contraction of the industry, jeopardising 20,000 full-time jobs and the racing industry tax contribution of £280 million a year.

Here is another innovative solution to the credit crunch:

by Riccardo gambino (rejected)

Open Letter to the Priminster Gordon Brown.
The national priorities we set amidst
We need a new framework for responsible lending to ensure
countries don’t fall back into the debt trap and the past mistakes are not
repeated.
I believe the best way to get back on our feet as a nation is to
implement a national jubilee and work with other nations towards an
international jubilee, as the Bible teaches. In Leviticus chapter 25 the
Bible outlines a celebration that should happen every 50 years. I really
believe God gave us the secret toward financial health as a nation in this
chapter. It would do your office well to apply this teaching so our nation
can regain its footing in God’s sight and in the sight of all nations. There
is no better example of how to do this than by implementing such a jubilee
nationally and internationally. It will lead others to follow a good example
on forgiveness of debt, mercy and compassion. It may even help us regain
some respect that has been lost due to our meddling in foreign affairs for
selfish cause. Thank you for your leadership.
Your Servant in Christ
Ricci

Chapter 25 of Leviticus has been rejected because it contains wording that is impossible to understand.

by Antony Eaves (rejected)

More details cannot be shown

This would be the plan which has already been executed, yes?

by Matthew Dyson (rejected)

I hereby propose to change the week as we know it from the standard Mon-Fri working week and Sat-Sun weekend to the following:

Working week – 4 days (now renamed):
– Monday
– Weekend Eve eve eve (previously Tuesday)
– Weekend Eve Eve (previously Wednesday)
– Weekend Eve (previously Thursday)

Weekend – 3 Days (now Renamed):
– Sleep in Day (previously Friday)
– Party Day (previously Saturday)
– Family Day (previously Sunday)

I believe this will have a positive impact on employee morale as well as providing a longer weekend, improving prospects for our flagging leisure industry in this time of economic crisis.

You are joking, yes?

by Stephen Dawson

Stockwell-incident easily preventable had screening, image & fingerprint capture been in-place. Conceding passengers queuing to be screened continue to be at risk, the threat to those using public-transport is dramatically-reduced.

Pickpockets & others of-interest are unlikely to clear booth [barred...] where they are known to the authorities.

Honestly? I’d rather take the one-in-a-billion chance of being randomly shot to death by the police.

by George Whitton

Simply having the legal limit at a certain age is not good enough. Just because somebody is eighteen years old, it does not mean that they are mature enough to drink responsibly. The correlation of age and maturity is apparent, but anomalies still exist. These anomalies are usually what cause the problem. The amount of crime linked to alcohol is horrific and must be reduced. I propose that we introduce a ‘controlled substance’ license system. This would incur a series of tests taken by anybody over the age of eighteen who wishes to buy or consume controlled substances. Upon passing their test, the candidate will be issued with a digital swipe card, a unique ID number and have their photograph taken. Upon buying controlled substances, the card must be swiped and the details downloaded from a server for verification. All licensed premises will be issued with swipe machines. I know this idea is still in its embryonic stages, but in the right hands it could become so much greater.

And then, your Tobacco Card and your Alcohol Card could be combined into some kind of multi-purpose “Inhalation/Drinking” or “ID” card. Hey, hang on a minute!

by Tony Wilks of New Ways Clinic

Bio-Reduction Therapy for addiction has been well proven over the last 4 years to stop smoking, stop drinking and stop drug dependency. We would like to see the treatment approved by NICE and available on the NHS.

Let me explain to you the thinking, if you can call it that, behind ‘bio-reduction therapy’:

  1. Quantum theory says everything is a wave.
  2. Waves interfere.
  3. Therefore, if we pulse the right wave into you, we can cancel out the bad substances.
  4. That, for some reason, means you’re not addicted to it any more.

Seriously, that’s what it is. Does that still sound like a good idea? (You may notice that that link is to New Ways Clinic, purveyors of this made-up ‘therapy’, and whom this petition is from.)

by Neil Rowan of British Army

this petition is meant to force the government and bbc to stop charging t.v licence fees for Any Member of HM Armed forces.

Because..?

by Rachel Kirkham

My takehome pay is £1000 a month. This is about average and very possibly less than average for the area I live in. There is no way I could afford to find £100 a month plus to pay a congestion charge to get to work, hence I voted No. This is the situation most of Greater Manchester residents found themselves in, hence the massive NO vote that local government are currently puzzling over. It was clear, before the referendum, that people would not vote for an extra chunk coming out of their wages. The planned charge would essentially represent a 12% wage cut for me. Therefore our tax money was spent on promoting an unwinnable scheme – a complete waste. This is totally unacceptable to low and average waged taxpayers like myself and I demand that all of this money is refunded to us and put into providing decent public transport in our area, and that a conestion charge scheme must NOT be forced upon us, now or in the future.

I agree with you in theory. The congestion charge is a practical and simple solution to a huge problem, and the net result would probably have been that companies would start staggering their working hours. The current culture of everyone working the same hours is moronic. It causes congestion, expense, wasted time, and makes it nigh-on impossible to do shopping or banking. The government had no backup plan and putting its only idea to a vote which it was doomed to lose regardless of its merits (as all the morons in Manchester would see the word ‘charge’ and vote against it having read no further) was a stupid idea. Spending money on the unwinnable ‘vote yes’ campaign was also a bad idea. The fact that the adverts were all shit didn’t help either.

But do you really think the government can refund you money which it has spent? This petition boils down to “the government made a mistake, therefore I should get money which would otherwise be spent on schools and hospitals”.

by John Blakey

The government are supposed to be our servants. Let us have a vote to be used at any time, as we feel like it. Its OUR vote after all. WE can change it to whosoever we please at any time. MPs would have their votes published every day like stock exchanges results. Unpopular MPs would be voted out. popular ones would replace them.
This would force the Government to attend to us, and do what WE want, rather than ignoring us till election time.
Give power back to the people.

This really does sound like a good idea until you think about what would actually happen if it was implemented.

…apart from those two elections we had.

by Paul Beckles-Bye (rejected)

It is clear to me that the government has set up this site to fool the British public into thinking you care what we think. I have randomly read through numerous closed and rejected petitions on this site and I could not find any that the government reply was "we agree". If the petition doesn’t fit with government policy it is fobbed off or rejected. If the government is not interested in the publics point of view then stop fooling us with this waste of space E-Petitions site.

This is true: many petitions do not fit with government policy. Or the physical laws of the universe. For example:

by Paul O’Toole

Given that the UK Government are currently considering a rescue plan for Jaguar Landrover they should incorporate this into a wider plan to revitalise the UK’s ailing automotive industry. Since the loss of MG Rover in 2005 there has been no UK owned mass car production, most importantly in the small/medium car sector. The government should buy back Jaguar Landrover and resurrect MG Rover forming these companies into a group large enough to sustain ongoing sales and development of new world leading models. A government led programme like this is just the jobs boost the UK needs. Let’s make Britain great again!

Hang on, “bring back MG Rover”? How do you think business works?

by Linda Lock

I ask the Prime Minister to consider those of us who either do not have children or whoes children are grown up; who do not have a mortgage or shares or any savings; who work full time paying taxes but whoes income is just above that of being entitled to anything, but who still fork out for essentials like home insurance; who are not of pensionable age and who reap hardly ever any financial benefits from your government and consider how you can help us live a decent life in todays Britain by giving us back something too. (thanks)

You want a special financial boost specifically for people who don’t need it?

by Mr D Churchman

The British Pound Note is probably one of the most recognised symbols of financial security – or at least it was. So many Britains have never even seen a pound note. There are no easy fixes to Britains current economic problems, but sometimes a symbol can evoke far more in a population than any speech or action ever will.
The old Green pound note, especially the 1970’s version with Britannia on the back, would serve well as a focus of our countries need to do what is required to come out of the economic downturn stronger than ever before.

The solution to the credit crunch is to introduce more easily destroyed forms of currency.

by Rachel Harold (rejected)

What could be nicer than waiting in a queue at the lights with a warm red heart shape looking back at you, instead of the usual boring circle of redness?

It only requires a bit of masking tape and a stencil, just for Valentines…spread a bit of loveliness – have a heart & sign my petition, :o )

That will help a lot.