If this group doesn’t get 10,000 members they’ll shut down Facebook!

Posted by Andrew @ November 30th, 2008 1:06 pm. Filed under: Not Government Business,Nothing Should Ever Change!,Oh Yeah? Let's See You Write A Better Petition!,Rejected Petitions,Young, Dumb, And Online

by James Birch (rejected)

It’s a petition to stop MSN closing down. People use this as a life line and need to communicate freely. I suggest to MSN that they report abuse of any kind and close the abusive accounts, and keep the nice accounts. People are outraged.

…There are just too many reasons this is dumb to list them all.

by David Ellis (rejected)

Currently, it is a common misnomer in many sources to allow the word ‘pie’ to describe a pastry cased (and topped) product regardless of whether the filling is sweet or savoury. It is felt by the proposer of this petition that only savoury filled products of this kind should be classified as a pie. Sweet filled products should only legally be describible as a ‘tart’.

You wait until you open it up and see what’s in the mince-”meat”.

Comments (4)

I love that he says ‘demolish’.

Posted by Andrew @ November 28th, 2008 10:07 pm. Filed under: Already The Case,It Says So In The Daily Mail,What Would Idiot-Jesus Do?

The response to this one is good if you read it in an impatient, sarcastic tone. I imagine that was how it was typed. The petition feed does that to a man.

by Sean Differ (rejected)

Catholics are not permitted to become Prime Minister, even though it is estimated there is more than four million in the UK. It is plain discrimination and should not be allowed in a country that boast freedom and equal rights.

The Government’s response?

No such law exists. You may be thinking of the Act of Settlement, which relates to the Monarchy, not the PM.

Haha.

Maybe the reason there’s never been a Catholic Prime Minister is just that nobody wants to vote for someone who genuinely believes that Cardinal Ratzinger is infallible. If you do that, “people do think you’re a nutter”.

Comments (0)

Sometimes I genuinely think I could run the country better myself.

Posted by Andrew @ November 28th, 2008 5:51 pm. Filed under: ...Or Else!,Gibberish,I Am A Brain!,In Which We Mock The Petition Site Itself,Not Government Business,Rejected Petitions,The Nasty Television Upset Me!

Is… is that a threat? And what the hell is an OTSBIPP?

by Kayla Cullen (rejected)

We do not want Kerrang! choosing the bands to play at Download, Since they started fewer and fewer people have been wishing to go to Download Festivals, myself included, what once a dream would now be a punishment, I and many others have said we want Kerrang! out and have the general public vote rather than someone who thinks because it has guitars or a pretty frontman it should be at this Festival. Many people won’t stand for this and I have many people dying to sign this petition.

Are these people not aware that there are loads of just general petition websites out there and that those don’t work either?

by CALEB JARVIS

To publicans and restraunteurs and all those concerned, who wish to encourage a strong economy and a strong tax economy by selling cigarettes to the general public under licence, of which this will be a national democratic success

I’ll get right on that! Just let me find my English-Moron Dictionary.

And lastly, an apology. I recently mocked someone called Paul Shakesby for petitioning the actual Prime Minister to get personally involved in a decision he disagreed with made by judges on the X-Factor. At the time I believed this to be well outside the government’s remit. I see now that I was mistaken. This from the Times:

The PM has been bombarding contestants on The X Factor with missives urging them to rebel against Simon Cowell’s strictures. …Mr Brown has become fascinated by its ITV rival which he sees as a model for “unlocking potential”. A weekly viewer with Sarah and their two children, Mr Brown has found the time to fire off no fewer than 12 letters during the current series.

Doesn’t that technically make him a crazy man?

Yesterday Spanish finalist Ruth Lorenzo revealed that Mr Brown wrote to her praising her for ignoring Cowell’s instructions to sing in her native language. …“He said, ‘Keep singing in English, girl. You’re doing a great job! Going against Simon’. It was great.”

Daniel Evans also received a motivational note that read: “Can I say that the next time Simon says that you are only supported by the over 60s, you can tell him that my wife Sarah and I disagree. Although you would be better off mentioning Sarah rather than me, as she is much farther away from 60 than I am!”

Gordon Brown is 57.

Sometimes I despair of this country, but then I remember that the alternative appears to be moving to America and I’m not convinced I can think of that as ‘better’.

Comments (0)

The Rules Sghould Apply Too Techers

Posted by Ben @ November 28th, 2008 1:42 am. Filed under: I AM TALKING!,Not Government Business,spelin an grammer

by Kerry Robinson of Benfield School

We a group of A-level students from Newcastle Upon-Tyne receive Ema ,well thats unless were a minute late then we dont recieve it . Us students need our Ema it pays for things like Clothes and other stuff . I think the rules sghould apply too techers, who decide not too bother too turn up too thier 5 person classes. I want Pay docking inforced too prevent a lack of teaching for A-level students.

I imagine Kerry Robinson has never actually received her EMA, probably because she’s never actually attended any of her English classes.

by Adam Cooke

Train fares are set to rise again in January up to 6%. Customers are still not getting value for money and we’re expected to pay more for services which are overcrouded and unacceptable?

STOP THIS NOW.

Imagine this petition description read aloud in the voice of Christopher Eccleston. Go on. It made me laugh.

by Mary Hardy

For wasting time and money by calling for the sacking of the strictly come dancing judges. I understood that a government minister was in the business of government not entertainment so to be this frivalous in these difficult times is foolish at best.

There’s a kind of wonderful Zen-like beauty to this petition.

Comments (0)

I bet John Ray is a nightmare in restaurants.

Posted by Andrew @ November 27th, 2008 3:25 pm. Filed under: Already The Case,Couldn't If He Wanted To,Don't Worry About What THEY Want,Duplicate Petitions,Not Government Business,Rejected Petitions,So I Just Type What I Want Here And The PM Has To Do It?,The Nasty Television Upset Me!,Thinking Things Through Is Just Not British,What Have Other People Ever Done For Me?

A couple more petitions that were rejected. At the moment the rejection feed is mostly full of petitions from people who are unaware

  1. that the Prime Minister has no control over BBC policy, and
  2. that Russell Brand no longer works for the BBC.

That said, here are a couple of more interesting ideas, where ‘interesting’ means ‘fucking stupid’:

by John Ray (rejected)

Allow Tax Payers To Opt Out Of Certain Taxes.
ie: No children, No tax for schools.
Full private health insurance, No tax for the NHS.
No tax to immigration.
No tax to Scotland.
etc etc.
Lets have a tick sheet for everyone.

Yeah! Not on fire, no tax for fire service. In full time work, no tax for benefits. Let those poor bastards pay their way like the rest of us! Seriously, what do you think tax is for?

by Mike Nugent (rejected)

A petition was rejected – We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to support the campaign to award a posthumous Military Cross to Walter Tull, the first Black Infantry Officer in the British Army, who was denied this medal because of his race.
The response of the government was This petition has been rejected because:

* It was outside the remit or powers of the Prime Minister and Government

Additional information about this rejection:
This is a matter for direct communication with the armed forces.

The government is in place to represent the people. If that means that the government has to approach the Armed Forces and tell them to do something then that is what they should do.
It is always in the remit of government to represent the wishes of the people.

Dear Gordon,

Please stop refusing to do things just because you can’t and it isn’t your job to do them. Your job is to represent the people. I, a person, would like a pizza. Please phone Lucky’s and compel them to bring me an 11″ deep-pan spicy-chicken with sweetcorn.

Don’t tell me it’s not your job. I voted for you, or at least for whichever white-haired chap the other lot were pushing at the time. That makes me your boss so I’ll decide what your job is. Now, yesterday someone at work told me my hair is bad. Please put them in prison using anti-terror laws. Also, I didn’t like how last week’s Simpsons ended. I demand that you change it somehow.

Yours,
Mike Nuggan

Comments (2)

My Petition Was Rejected, Just Because I Think The TV Times Counts As A Newspaper

Posted by Andrew @ November 26th, 2008 5:41 pm. Filed under: A Rose By Any Other Name Would Be Less Funny,In Which We Mock The Petition Site Itself,Not Government Business,Rejected Petitions,The Nasty Television Upset Me!,spelin an grammer

by GAVIN RHODES (rejected)

it is up setting to sse one man namely Jamie oliver use a subject like childrens welfare to get into the news to promote his flagging carreer.

Yeah! Let’s also ban Children in Need and Comic Relief! Those bastards Wogan and Henry, what have they ever done for me, a reasonably well-off adult in no particular hardship?

by matt walker (rejected)

Fabian Delph, the latest in a long line of Leeds United starlets has broken through to the first team.His performances leave members of the crowd speechless.

In order to ensure he does not go to a premier league club for a poultry sum, only to sit in the reserves and rob the viewing public of his talents, this petition is lodged. Please support us in this noble cause.

I’m almost certain there’s a clause in the Geneva Convention specifically to stop this. I’m pretty sure it mentions Leeds United by name. I remember, because that’s unusual in a human rights convention.

by Paul Shakesby (rejected)

A digusting decision by Louis Walsh and a decision made by the bizarre Cherly Cole means that the decision to vote Scott off the show was flawed. We demand the PM’s intervention to reinstate Scott.

Parliament already phoned up two million times to vote for JLS. Why do you think the economy is in so much trouble?

by Andre Andre (rejected)

I recently had a petition rejected by this website because I was told it contained; ‘Issues for which an e-petition is not the appropriate channel’. My e-petition submission asked; ‘We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to recommend to Her Majesty The Queen that my cousin – UK born international pop icon Peter Andre, be knighted and henceforth known as Sir Peter Andre for his services to the music industry’. This seemed very strange after stumbling upon a petition conceived by a Mr. Charles Lee who has already had his e-petition accepted by the Downing Street website with a petition that asked; ‘We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to recommend to Her Majesty the Queen that the comedian Ken Dodd be given a knighthood’. To me, this seems grossly unfair why the Prime Minister should recognise an old buck-toothed comedian and not an international pop icon. Therefore, I hope that people will realise the unfair nature of this action, sign this new petition which will hopefully overturn the original decision and allow me to get approval of my original petition to receive a knighthood for Peter. Thank you for reading – Andre Andre.

Is your name really ‘Andre Andre’? Your parents had a sick sense of humour. Although at least they never unleashed Peter on the world.

And this is funny mostly for the response:

by Ian McCombie of English (rejected)

This is England, English law stands, do not let sharia law get in by the back door.

Apparently, “This petition has been rejected because: It contained language which is offensive, intemperate, or provocative.” One can only assume the Prime Minister is a fan of tenuously inferred innuendo.

But then, look at the URL. I expect it was called FuckSharia or something.

Comments (1)

Won’t Someone Please Think Of The Children?

Posted by Andrew @ November 26th, 2008 4:07 pm. Filed under: Anything I Want Should Be Free,I Want To Watch Sports For Free,Really REALLY Bad Ideas,Unreasonable Demands,spelin an grammer

by Greg Dawe

It is ridiculous that there are three different bodies controlling aspects of football in England. The FA, the Premier League and the Football League should merge so that football in this country can move forward. Currently we have created a haven for failed politicians and businessmen whilst football people like SIR Trevor Brooking get sidelined.

Okay, seriously. You have to learn to distinguish England the state from England the football team. I don’t remember seeing a glut of ‘Prevent Iceland From Raising The Price Of Frozen Peas’ when Iceland the country went bankrupt, but I’ll admit that may be because I wasn’t subscribed to the Rejected Petition feed then.

by Stephanie Jane Scott

More funds should be pushed towards child protection in the United Kingdom. Specifically, we feel there should be measures such as:

•Regular FULL health check-ups on children up until an agreed age.

•If there’s any speculation of child abuse (an incident which seems not an accident) then the child should be put into temporary foster until there’s evidence for the future decision of the child’s welfare.

•More money should be invested into benefits for those willing to adopt/foster in order to encourage those who are unsure about the costs of adopting a family of siblings, single child or one with disabilities.

•Better communication between agencies. Social services, the council, the police etc… should have STRONG communication in every case.

•More training of social workers- they should be there for the CHILDREN over the parents so they should be more ruthless towards any suspect injuries or short-comings of the mother/father. They should get more on-site training before becoming a social worker.

•A new system to take place of the "At Risk" register- obviously there are some serious flaws in it and it needs to be more fit for purpose

Hello, is that the Government? Yes, good, hi. So, I heard this crazy rumour that Stephanie Jane Scott might have been abusing her kids. I mean it’s just a rumour, but… oh, really? What, just because I heard a rumour? Isn’t that a bit over the top? … Oh, well fair enough, I suppose. I mean, even if she hasn’t touched them, it’s probably in their best interests. See you later.

by Bill Collins

When the Parent With Care (PWC)is in receipt of Income Support, the amount they receive is reduced by the amount paid by the Non-Resident Parent (NRP) to the CSA. In effect it is considered to be income for the PWC rather than child maintenance. So the children never see it and the PWC, NRP and their children live in perpetual poverty. The child maintenance should be spent on the kids and not treated as income.

So you’re saying that you should get more free money because your wife left you than you would if she’d died or something? How is that fair?

by marie cresswell

all students from all schools go into there community once a week with teachers and police representatives to clean off graffitti pick up litter, paint, mend fences e.t.c this will encourage them to take a pride in and look after their own enviroment.

You want to reduce the amount of lessons in our already slightly-shit schools by 20% (even though your punctuation appears to be happening at random) and replace it with what is effectively the use of child labour to clean up city centres, and you think that will have some effect other than making children very, very angry and hate you? How will that work, exactly?

Comments (0)

And Now, A Very Special Edition Of “Let’s Destroy Society Together!”

Posted by Ben @ November 26th, 2008 2:26 pm. Filed under: Racism,Unintentional Irony,We're British, Dammit!,What A Load Of Bankers

by John Webster

The banks caused this recession by irresponsible flawed business models and greed. Therefore they should pay the associated costs rather than future generations and todays society.

Yes, hit all of the banks across the country with fat charges that they cannot possibly pay, forcing them to file for bankruptcy and shut up shop. Congratulations, you’ve just caused what’s left of the economy to collapse!

by Vaughn Burns

Immigrants should have to take an oral and written english language test within 3 months of being in the UK to resume working in the uk.

Why limit this to just immigrants? I reckon Vaughn here should be the first person to take the test, and if he fails we should deport him to set an example to all the other Petition Site users.

Comments (2)

Two Morons For The Price Of One

Posted by Ben @ November 26th, 2008 12:58 pm. Filed under: Don't Worry About What THEY Want,Duplicate Petitions,I Want To Watch Sports For Free,What Would Idiot-Jesus Do? — Tags:

by Teresa Wright of Independent

Stop Gay marriages in the church!!!!

God created a man and a woman. That is the end of the matter. Don’t bring same sex marriages in the church. It is not natural or normal. I am a christian and deeply offended by this sick act. That Will lead to the day of Judgement.

Presumably you also believe that God created a bunch of plants and animals too, so using your own logic it should be okay to marry them. You’d better go marry an otter then, before God gets all vengeful or something.

by Georgina Cadogan

As football is our national sport; and plays a significant role in English culture. I believe that it should be our right to watch our national games free of charge on Terrestrial Television. I think that it is ridiculous that some families are unable to watch our football idols of England play the famous sport just because it is not on Terrestrial Television. Doing this would benefit our whole nation by bringing it together through our heroes who are from all over England.

I hate these petitions. There’s a ton of them and they are all started and signed by people who feel that they are somehow entitled to watch people kick a ball around a field just because they happen to be on our side. It’s football, for Glod’s sake. At what point does it become vital that everyone get to watch it for free?

Comments (5)

0118 999 881 999 119 725 3

Posted by Ben @ November 26th, 2008 2:12 am. Filed under: Already The Case

by Dennis Fish

At present non-emergency numbers are often long and unmemorable and to make matters worse different numbers are used in different regions. A large percentage of calls made to 999 are not emergency calls. They are made because the caller needs to contact the police but does not know which number to call.

“Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen… Uh, he’s already got one, you see?”

Although, to be fair, I’m looking at the website and it looks like the number could do with being rolled out to more areas.

Comments (2)

Are You Having Fun Over There? Stop It Immediately!

Posted by Ben @ November 25th, 2008 12:54 pm. Filed under: Duplicate Petitions,Everyone Stop What You're Doing Because You're Mildly Inconveniencing Me,Invading The Animal Kingdom,Just Crazy Enough To Work

The petition Gods have been kind to us, offering up only 11 petitions this morning as opposed to the 60-80 a day we were getting last week. Here are a couple that fit our remit:

by Trevor Mcinsley

In response to this ridiculous petition here: http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/banthebang/ …which asks for fireworks to be banned, one site advertising this petition was doing so on the basis that it disturbs animals.

Fireworks perhaps disturb animals and people a few times a year at most, bonfire night, christmas, new years and the odd party.

Whereas I cannot even begin to count the number of times I have been disturbed by dogs barking and cats fighting, I’m sure I am not alone.

Another claimed reason for why fireworks should be banned is that they cause injuries to people and animals.

Fireworks only really cause injuries when people misuse them, the chances of an expired firework falling and hitting someone is rare. I have however been hit by one at a display some years back, on the head and I barely noticed it.

Whereas vicious dogs will attack without warning or provocation, and can cause far more harm, not to mention the damage inflicted by cats on the wildlife in the garden…

I love how people decide that increasing the tax on cat food or banning pets outright will simply make these animals evaporate into the ether should such a law come to pass. In reality we’d end up with tons of street-bound animals who, in a shocking twist of irony, would be more intrusive and disturbing.

And in the interests of fairness, here’s the petition our mate Trev is responding to. You may notice it’s already rather similar to another petition we’ve mentioned here.

by Tina Roy

As you know well fireworks are for sale in the uk at the moment. They aren’t just kids or teens there are adults too that use them. I dont think I just speak for myself when I say ban fireworks for sale in the uk and just have public firework shows hosted. Firstly, they are much safer and if they are more expensive im sure people would rather be safer than have a little more change in their pocket. Secondly, it isn’t just people that get hurt it’s animals as well. Over the last few years many animals and people have gone to hospital with various firework related injuries. Im sure you would rather have a safer Britain than money in your pocket. Furthermore I would like to go on and say that fireworks are too easy to acquire these days. Mainly anyone can get hold of them as you see children as little as 5 with fireworks on them. If you battle this problem they will eventually stop the sale of fireworks and have safer public displays. In conclusion lets ban fireworks for sale in the UK to make a happier, more safer community. I leave you with one last thought if u think the firework problem ain’t a serious one……..think again!

Let’s just ban everything that could potentially hurt people, eh? I propose we start with staircases and work our way up from there.

No, I have no idea what this is supposed to be for, either.

Comments (1)

Why don’t people read up on subjects before bothering the PM?

Posted by Andrew @ November 24th, 2008 6:24 pm. Filed under: Couldn't If He Wanted To,I Am A Brain!,It Says So In The Daily Mail,It's Just A Little Request...,Thinking Things Through Is Just Not British,Unworkable Ideas

by Nicholas Turner

6% of rape victims get justice. That means that 6 rape cases out of 100 actually go to court. These figures are apaulling. Rapists roam free in the streets of our country while the victims are left to pick up the pieces of their very own lives which get snatched away from them, by sick individuals. Focus needs to be brought onto this matter which is unforgivingly overlooked over and over again. Bring Justice to Rape Victims.

Those figures are appalling, yes, but they’re not true. 5.7% of rape trials end in conviction. That’s not the same as 5.7% of rape victims getting justice unless you assume that all rapes are reported, all reports lead to trials and all reports are accurate. None of those things are true. There’s a problem here, but you don’t actually know anything about it, do you, beyond that at some stage the number 6% is involved, and yet you think the government should listen to your opinions about it anyway, as if their intersection with reality is anything more than coincidence. And you wonder why they never get anything done? Maybe it’s because people keep wasting their time with their ill-researched hunches about what they reckon should be done. Maybe.

by Philip Morris AICB (Comp)

As individuals our bodies and their constituent organs belong to us . They do NOT belong to the state. The mooted proposal to make organ donation obligatory and enforced by law unless an individual specifically opts out (presumed consent) would, if made statutory, be an infringement of human rights. People need to give their consent before any medical procedure is carried out whilst they are alive and this should extend to after death as well. Presumed consent takes away this right. Furthermore, the fact that any government would even propose presumed consent suggests that human rights legislation and the law in general allows us to have the body (habeas corpus) but not to have the right to decide what to do with it.

“Obligatory”? Really? Seriously, you’re arguing against something that doesn’t exist. Even if your petition gets signatures and a response, what do you think it will say beyond ‘don’t worry, that’s not what we’re thinking of doing’?

Comments (2)

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